


Mutual

by nothlits



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Abusive Parents, Background Akechi/Akira, Bisexuality, Coming Out, Healthy Relationships, M/M, Mutual Pining, POLYTHIEVES - Freeform, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, The tags look bad but I promise it's cute and sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2020-02-16 05:10:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 61,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18684796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothlits/pseuds/nothlits
Summary: He started frantically typing into Google.How do you know you're bisexualHow do you know if you have a gay crush on your friendHow do you stop having a gay crush on your friendHow do you get with your friend if he already has a boyfriend and you already blew it by rejecting him when he kissed youLet your pining go unchecked for too long, and you lose your chance. Unless of course, it was mutual to begin with.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> Welcome to the Pegoryushima Love Zone. This fic is polyamory-focused and also deals with coming to terms with and accepting your own bisexuality. 
> 
> Expect twice weekly updates -- T/Th
> 
> (Also, when I wrote this fic, for some reason I kind of forgot Morgana existed. Sorry, Mona.)

Ren made a lot of bonds the year he spent in Tokyo, but he had immediately been drawn to Ryuji like there was a magnet forcing them to each other. 

Being the first person to share the secrets of the Metaverse with him had been a solid bonding experience. Going together into that looming castle and seeing the horrors that lay within it had stuck them together for better or worse, and even with the addition of other team members, that first look was something none of the others would ever understand for themselves. 

Ren's Persona had awoken at the sight of Ryuji in danger. That had to mean something, he had decided. He didn't know what, exactly, but he could just feel it. Ryuji just felt right to him. Like they fit perfectly together, two pieces of a puzzle. Just being with him made him feel safer, braver, in the tumultuous state their lives were in that first year together.

It took him months to realize that maybe this wasn't just an unbreakable bond of friendship. 

He found himself craving the small touches they shared-- Ryuji slapping a hand on his shoulder, touching his arm, ruffling his hair, play-fighting him over the last of their fries. He wanted more and more excuses to touch him and be close to him. When Ryuji smiled or laughed, which was often, he'd catch himself staring and taking in all the little details. 

They talked about their feelings a lot. Ren was grateful that they could. He knew so many friendships never delved into that sort of deep probing. They stayed surface-level and fun. When you had been through what the Phantom Thieves had, that felt impossible. They knew each other's pain too well. 

Feelings-talk was how Ryuji clocked himself in as another of Ren's firsts.

Originally, Ryuji had just come over that night to play video games and hang out. It was a Saturday in between missions, so they didn't have school or business to worry about the next day. They could just relax and have fun. 

But the fun had come to a slow stop as Ryuji became too distracted by the pain in his bad leg to focus on a game. Ren had won three times in a row and he was noting the way Ryuji was clenching his jaw and kept shifting his position. He set his controller down and just watched him.

Ryuji was quick to notice and gave his best attempt at a grin. “What's up?”

“Don't _what's up_ me. You good?” Ren turned slightly to face him. They had pulled up two chairs from downstairs and they were seated close to each other.

“You must be feelin’ pretty good, kickin’ my ass like that.” His grin grew wider and he stretched his arms above his head with a few sickening cracks. It made Ren groan in disgust and that made Ryuji laugh. “You like that?”

“You need a doctor.” 

“Yeah, yeah--” Ryuji was cut off by a shudder, squeezing his eyes shut tight. “ _Shit_.” He straightened out his right leg and winced again, eyes barely open.

“Your leg bothering you again?” Ren reached out and switched off the console to give Ryuji all of his attention.

“Yeah, shit. Sorry. Just. I think I just need to stretch it out.” He tried to stretch again but it was awkward to hold his leg out while seated in the chair. 

Ren stood and pushed his own chair aside to make an easier path to the couch.

“C'mere.” He offered his shoulder and half-dragged Ryuji over. Ryuji groaned as he hit the cushion. 

Ren took a seat next to him and pulled one of the chairs close. He patted it to motion for Ryuji to rest his feet on it. With some effort, Ryuji managed to swing both legs up and into the chair, keeping them straight and elevated.

They sat silently for a few minutes.

“I hate this shit, man.” Ryuji dragged a hand down his face then rested his elbow on the back of the couch and propped his cheek in his hand, head turned to look at Ren. “I _hate_ that that bastard did this to me. I can't get away from it. Every time this happens, it's like a reminder that he got his hands on me and-- and _broke_ me.” 

“He didn't _break_ you--” Ren tried to interject.

“He _broke_ my effin’ leg, dude! And every time I can't climb a flight of stairs or even walk home from the train without cryin’ I gotta relive it in my brain all over again.” His voice got quieter. “It makes me sick.” 

Ryuji dropped his hands and his gaze to his lap. 

Ren never knew what to say. He would never fully understand how Ryuji or Ann had felt about Kamoshida. Even if the man was locked away for life, he knew it wouldn't undo all of the suffering he had caused. Ryuji and Shiho hadn't made it out without lasting physical reminders.

“Do you want me to get you anything?” He spoke quietly. He hoped his concern carried over in his tone.

“No, it's…” Ryuji sighed. “It's fine. Thanks. It's starting to feel a little better. I'm just. Sad. Mad.”

“Smad.” Ren added, hoping to make him smile.

“Yeah, I'm real smad right now.” It worked and he grinned down at his hands. “You're incredible, you know that?” 

“Sangry.”

“Stop.” Ryuji shoved at him, but couldn't wipe the smile off his face. “Anybody else cracked a joke like that while I'm this upset, I'd probably kick their ass.” 

“Oh, you want to throw down with me, Skull? Meet me in Mementos tomorrow and we'll fight. One on one, no weapons, just fists.” He held up his fists to demonstrate and threw a fake punch at him.

Ryuji caught his hand with a yelp and a laugh and went to pull away, but Ren held onto him. He paused and then locked their fingers together and dropped both of their hands down between them onto the couch. 

Ryuji looked puzzled and tilted his head in that way that always made Ren's heart flutter. 

“Hey, um,” The longer Ren held onto his hand, the more confused Ryuji looked. His cheeks and the tips of his ears were going pink. “What are you…?” 

“Holding your hand. Cuz I got too bold and now I'm scared to let go and get punched for real.” Ren laughed nervously and used his free hand to adjust his glasses. 

“I'm not gonna _punch_ you. C'mon. Let go.” Ren released his hand and Ryuji pulled it back to himself. The room felt heavy now. Awkward. 

“S-sorry.” Ren mumbled and looked away. “I uh, I just thought, I don't know. Sorry. I haven't done that before.” 

“Huh?” Ryuji barely looked at him.

“Uh, held... hands with someone. Except like, you know in elementary school when they'd make you hold hands and line up. That kinda thing.” 

“Wait, for real? You've never held hands with a girl? _You_?” At least Ryuji was smiling now, even if it was at Ren's expense.

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?” 

“You know! You're just like, really cool. I figured you had a couple girlfriends before you moved here. I thought you were puttin’ the moves on Ann! You haven't held _her_ hand?” 

Ren made a few flustered noises, which made Ryuji laugh.

“I'm not putting _moves_ on Ann! What are you talking about?” He'd let the cool comment slide for now.

“You're like always hanging out with her, and she's totally hot. I thought for sure you'd have your eyes on her by now! There are so many guys who would kill to be that close to her, and you're not even interested?” Ryuji's grin quickly faded as a new idea dawned on him. “Wait. Wait, wait. Are you gay?” 

Ren's expression fell. Ryuji's tone was not a good sign. It felt way too harsh, almost disgusted with shock. He didn't think he meant it, but it still wasn't warm. It wasn't the reaction he had hoped for when this conversation inevitably came up.

“Bi,” he mumbled.

“What?”

“I'm bisexual. Not gay. I like girls too. Just… Ann's my friend.” His voice was quiet and nervous and he found himself unable to look at Ryuji again. He was too scared.

“Oh.” Ryuji stayed quiet. He wasn't really sure what to say. “So, uh, what about Yusuke?” 

“What about him?” 

“He's gay, right? Why don't you two hook up?” 

“I don't like him that way. It's not like that.” He ran a hand through his hair and it flopped back into his face just as messy as before. “Can we just drop it?” 

“Yeah. Sure. Sorry.” 

They were mostly quiet for the rest of the evening until Ryuji felt like he could put enough weight on his leg to make it to the train station and back home. Ren could tell he was trying very hard to act normal and that Ren's little reveal was bothering him. 

It felt horrible. 

He had been so secure in his identity for years, comfortably experiencing it in his own head, but he hadn't ever really told anyone. He hadn't ever needed to. Until this Phantom Thief business started, he hadn't really had friends, let alone a reason to express himself that way. He hadn't ever felt bad for being this way. But Ryuji's tone and expression weighed heavily on him now.

Things felt weird between them for a while. Ryuji was awkward about avoiding touching Ren, and though it was subtle, Ren noticed. Their dynamic had shifted and he thought he might know what heartbreak felt like now.

Ann pulled him aside after a week or so of this and forced him to sit down and talk to her, with the promise of her paying for dessert for the both of them. They shared a slightly too extravagant and definitely too large bowl of ice cream in a quiet corner at Ann's favorite place. 

“Okay,” Ann pointed her spoon at Ren. “Tell me what's going on. You've been super mopey lately and Ryuji won't even look at you. You're acting like you're awkward exes or something.” 

Ren dug his spoon into the ice cream and stabbed it slowly, leaning his cheek on his hand. 

“Yeah. It feels like that. I guess.” He kept swirling his spoon around in the bowl until Ann smacked his wrist lightly with her spoon. “Ow. Sorry.” He stopped playing with his food and took a bite.

“Did you have a fight? You guys have always been so close… it's just sad to watch. It's bumming me out.” She took a big spoonful of ice cream and ate it all at once. Ann was not a girl who feared brain freeze.

“Not really. I, uh, I told him I'm bi and he just… I don't know.” He couldn't make himself look up at Ann. Another bad reaction was the last thing he needed right now. 

“He didn't take it well? That's so _shitty_ of him. I know you guys are close but he can be such a jerk about some stuff.” She took another bite. “'msorryren.” she swallowed so she could speak properly. “I guess I'm not telling him myself anytime soon then.” 

Ren blinked a few times, making sure he heard her correctly. He didn't want to do the same thing Ryuji had done to him and act awkward about it. He was just surprised. Pleasantly so.

“I mean, he wasn't mean about it, he just got really weird and ever since then he's not acting the same. He used to just, touch me a lot, like casually, and now he won't even look at me.” He glanced up at Ann and saw that she was giving him her full attention. He looked back down at the bowl. “It hurts.” 

“I know it sucks, but maybe you should just talk to him. He really, really cares about you. He's just also kind of stupid. I'm sure if he knew he was making you feel so bad, he'd apologize.” 

“I know you're right, I'm just… scared. To make it worse.” 

“Yeah, I understand. I'm here for you though and if Ryuji says anything mean to you I'll kick his ass for you, okay?” Ann spoke with such a huge smile that it made Ren smile too. He mumbled his thanks. 

He parted ways with Ann feeling better and worse about the situation. He felt sure that Ryuji would apologize and at least try to make things better if he brought it up, but bringing it up meant braving the awkwardness itself, and that felt impossible. It would take some time, at least.

It took another week of no-touching-no-looking-no-hanging-out for Ren to invite Ryuji over after school and corner him up in the attic. 

“Sit.” Ren gestured at the couch and Ryuji looked back over his shoulder at it then back to Ren, confused. 

“Why're you talkin’ to me like I'm a dog?” 

“Can you just… Sit down. Please.” Ren's hands were trembling, he realized, and he clasped them together. “I just want to talk.” 

Ryuji backed up and sat on the couch like he was told. Ren stood still for a moment and then joined him, with more distance between them than usual. 

“Am I in trouble or somethin’...?” He sounded actually scared. Ren hadn't anticipated that, so he didn't answer. “Renren?” 

“Ugh, stop.” Ren covered his face with his hands. Hearing him say his name like that was like a jab to the heart. He dropped his hands and sat up straighter. “No, you're not in trouble. I'm just. You've been treating me differently, and it sucks!”

“What? No I'm not!” 

“You keep avoiding me after school. You used to touch my arm all the time and put your arm around my shoulder and lean on me and shit and now every time I try to get near you you make up some excuse. You won't even look at me.” Right then, Ryuji was looking down at the couch, at his own lap, at the floor, anywhere but Ren. “ _Ryuji_! Look at me. Please.” He realized how desperate he sounded. 

Ryuji's eyes flicked up to Ren's face, saw how hurt he looked, and then moved away again. He pursed his lips. He looked like he'd been kicked.

“I can't when you look so…” he looked up again quickly then back down again. “Hey. I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry.” He didn't sound defensive or angry anymore, just sad. 

“Why are you treating me like this? You're my _best friend_.” Ren's voice cracked and that made Ryuji really look at him, horrified. “You're treating me like a stranger. Just because I told you I like guys? Because I tried to hold your hand? _Why_?!” He sniffled and rubbed an eye under his glasses. 

He hated himself for getting so worked up, but he'd spent weeks worrying Ryuji hated him, that they'd never get their friendship back, that he'd devastated their relationship in one move. And he hated how shocked Ryuji looked, like he had no idea Ren had been hurting at all. 

“Renren… c'mere. Hey.” Ryuji scooted closer to him and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him against him so their heads were on each other's shoulders. Ren tensed but then returned the embrace and gripped the back of Ryuji's shirt tightly. He took a shaky breath and buried his face against Ryuji's shoulder. 

They sat like that for a long time, neither one moving or talking. Ryuji hesitantly moved a hand up to Ren's head and stroked his hair. He had never done this before, but it had always calmed him down when his mother had done it to him as a child. It seemed to work and Ren stifled a quiet sigh against him and loosened his grip.

“Ren…” Ryuji leaned his head against his. “I'm so sorry. I'm just an idiot. I didn't even know I was doin’ that shit, I just… I dunno. I don't care that you're bi, I mean I was kinda weirded out when you held my hand, but it was just cuz I didn't know what was goin’ on.” He paused and Ren nuzzled his head against him slightly. “It was nice though. I think. You have soft hands.” 

Ren barely laughed by his ear. He finally lifted his head up and their faces were closer than he expected. If he wanted to, he could just lean in and…

Ryuji pulled back and leaned against the back of the couch, still turned to look at him.

“You okay? Are we good?” 

Ren nodded slowly and sniffled. His eyes hurt and he was sure he looked terrible. It wasn't the first time Ryuji had seen him cry, but it was still embarrassing. He managed to smile anyway and Ryuji reached out and straightened his glasses for him.

Things went back to normal after that for a while. They resumed their usual level of physical contact and time spent together. They would get beef bowls together weekly and spend weekends hanging out watching movies or reading manga. 

That initial roadblock had stalled Ren's slowly-building crush, but it hadn't stopped it. The way Ryuji had reacted to him coming out meant he definitely didn't like guys himself. If he did, he wouldn't have gotten so weird about it. Right? He was almost positive. Almost. 

He would be absolutely certain, and then their hands would brush and Ryuji would bump against his playfully or grab his hand briefly and squeeze, and the butterflies in Ren's stomach would erupt all over again. Ryuji would walk with his arm around Ren's waist, and steal sips of his drinks, and fix his uniform for him. Instead of not touching at all, he now had a new problem. Every touch sent a jolt through him and he just wanted more. 

He kept telling himself to just be happy he had Ryuji in his life. To be happy he had a best friend who was so sweet, funny, passionate, fun, cute, handsome… _Shit_. It always backfired and left him feeling flustered instead.

Ren started seeing what he could get away with. If Ryuji was okay with being this physical, it was fine for him to use it to his advantage, right? He started with leaning his head on his shoulder when they would read together. Ryuji didn't react much. He just asked him if he was sleepy. When Ren denied it, he just smiled and they kept reading. After they had sat like that for a while, Ryuji surprised him by switching the book to his other hand and slipping his now free arm around Ren's waist to hold his side. 

Ren thought he might die. There was no way he could focus on the words he was reading like this, but he didn't want to ask Ryuji to take a break and risk losing this position. 

They got through the volume and Ryuji closed the book but otherwise didn't move. Ren glanced up at him without moving his head from his shoulder and noticed he looked a little flushed. Was he blushing? Ryuji looked down and their eyes met. He smiled.

“Cozy?” 

“Very. You're warm.” Ren tested his luck and pressed his face in closer to his neck. 

“Like your own personal space heater, huh? I'll be real handy in the winter. You’re always cold though. I bet you a beef bowl your hands are freezing right now.” 

Ren seized the opportunity to be a menace and shoved a hand behind them and up the back of Ryuji's shirt onto his bare skin. Ryuji made a choked noise and shoved him off. Ren cackled but got cut off by Ryuji forcefully grabbing both of his hands and holding them between his. His boastful laugh dissolved into nervous giggling. 

“Warm.” He pulled his hands apart to hold both of Ryuji's properly. Ryuji was leaning in close to him and they were both all smiles and laughs. 

He really couldn't be blamed for what happened next. 

He leaned in and closed the gap between them until their lips were pressed together. He expected Ryuji to pull away quickly, but after a pause, he realized he was kissing him back. He sighed against his lips and pulled away. Ryuji's eyes were barely open and their hands stayed clasped between them. 

“I, um,” Ryuji loosened his grip on Ren's hands and Ren feared for the worst. “Was that your first kiss?” 

“Yeah, why? Was it bad?” He frowned and looked down at their hands. He felt like his were shaking, but at least they felt much warmer. 

“Nah, s'okay. I just, uh, Ren, I don't…” He finally pulled his hands away and ran one through his own hair a few times. “Look, I don't want it to be weird between us again 'n I'm not sayin’ this because I'm homophobic or whatever, I just… I don't like guys. I don't feel that way about you. You're my best friend, man, I love you. It's just… not like that. I'm sorry. That you wasted your first kiss on someone like me. Cuz you deserve better.” 

Ren felt sick. He felt dizzy and nauseous and like the room was spinning. How could he have miscalculated so badly? All the signs were there right in front of him, and he still messed this up. He just knew it would be over between them now. There was no recovering from this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's okay Ren, there's like 50k words left for you to recover from this.


	2. Chapter 2

A few months passed after Ren's monumental slip-up, and after some initial weirdness and Ryuji overcompensating to make sure he was being extra nice, things smoothed out for the most part. They never talked about it again. 

Ren started spending a lot more time with Yuuki Mishima. They had always spent a decent amount of time together, but it had mostly been Phansite stuff. Now it was like they were really friends. And Ren started to notice that what others saw as weird or annoying in Mishima was actually really cute. 

He was so eager and earnest. He happily shared the things he loved with Ren and wanted to be around him. They had a few bumps in their relationship, but after a lot of self-examination on Mishima's part, they were closer than ever. 

They hung out at Mishima's place a lot. His parents weren't home much and it was a nice change of pace from Leblanc's attic for Ren. Mishima's bedroom was small and crowded, but his bed was comfortable and they could easily share the space while they watched TV or just looked at their phones in comfortable silence.

That was one thing he really liked about Mishima: there wasn't ever a need to fill a silence. They could just sit together and occasionally show each other something funny on their phones and laugh about it. It was a special kind of connection Ren hadn't felt before. 

He found himself just watching Mishima while he frantically typed something. He took in the way his brow furrowed and he stuck out just the tip of his tongue when he was really focused. How soft his hair looked. He was definitely staring. Mishima had stopped typing and shifted his eyes over to Ren, laying next to him with a goofy smile on his face. 

“Uh, h-hey. What are you looking at?” Mishima smiled nervously and lowered his phone to rest his hand on his chest. 

“You.” He said it without thinking and regretted it. The way Mishima's face lit up red almost made up for it. 

“ _Me_?” His voice pitched up adorably. “It's kind of rude to stare, Amamiya-kun…” He looked away as if to make an example of himself.

“Oh.” Ren propped himself up on an elbow. “Sorry. Are you uh… upset?” 

“N-no, um… just no one's ever... said something like that to me.” 

“Shame. You're really cute.” If Ren was going to make a fool of himself, he might as well go all the way. 

Mishima practically squeaked and covered his face with his arms, but not before Ren saw it go even redder. 

“ _Amamiya-kun_!” He was muffled by his own hands. Ren could not stop grinning now. He was way, way too cute.

“Just Ren is fine, you know. You're a friend.” 

Mishima barely uncovered his face and turned his head. 

“Really…?” 

“What? Yeah, really. You think we're not friends?” Ren's expression fell. 

“Uh, I… dunno. I just kinda thought you felt bad or something… I sort of dragged you around and made you keep me out of trouble for a while, so… I just try to be useful to you. With the Phansite and stuff.” He lowered his hands and turned onto his side to face Ren, though he wouldn't look at his face.

“No… no way. We're friends. I like you. I hang out with you so much because I want to. If you deleted the Phansite tomorrow, I'd still be right here.” He reached out and ruffled Mishima's hair, which was somehow even softer than he imagined. “And then I'd take you to a doctor because I'd be worried there was something wrong with you.” 

Mishima shut his eyes and smiled sweetly at the contact. Ren kept his hand there, really taking in that expression, and then trailed his hand down to cup Mishima's cheek with his palm. 

“A-amam-- Ren--” his face was heating up again. Every time it started to cool down, Ren did something that made the blood come rushing back. 

Ren pulled his hand back and looked surprised at himself. He hadn't really meant to do that. Was it weird to touch your friend's face like that?

“Sorry. I uh, don't know what came over me.” He kept his hand on the bed between them, closer to his own chest. Mishima kept looking at it. 

“No, it's okay! You're okay!” He put on that sweet smile again and Ren felt at ease instantly. “I'm glad we're friends. I don't think… anyone's ever called me their friend before without it being a cruel joke. But I know you're not like that. You're nice…” He finally took the plunge and hesitantly placed his hand on top of Ren's. Ren turned his palm over and held his hand. Mishima's eyes went wide.

“You're nice too. And people should be nice to you back.” He rubbed his thumb over Mishima's hand slowly. He could really get used to this holding hands thing.

“I… thank you….” Mishima's voice was small and quiet. 

Ren started to lean in closer to him, but they both jolted apart at the sound of the front door slamming shut and Mishima's mother announcing her arrival. 

They had done this dance before, and with some careful maneuvering, Mishima was able to distract her in the kitchen while Ren snuck out the door silently. 

Mishima texted him an apology and a much more wordy thanks for his kindness. He was always better at written communication than verbal. It was just another thing Ren found endearing.

The next time they met up, Ren bumped his hand against Mishima's as they walked to their usual hangout spot at the diner. Mishima didn't pull his hand away so Ren slipped their palms together and held it loose enough that Mishima could pull out of it if he wanted. But he just held on tighter instead.

Their conversation didn't even pause. It felt so natural. 

It felt just as natural every time. Again and again, they would hold hands. While walking or while sitting together quietly in Mishima or Ren's room. Ren was surprised by how often Mishima initiated. He was always so nervous and flustered, but he seemed to really want this. And if there was anything Ren knew about Mishima, it was that if he really wanted something, he would take it. 

“Ren?” Mishima turned his head to look at him where he had almost dozed off next to him on the bed. He touched his hair and gently brushed it out of his eyes. Ren smiled and grabbed his hand to hold it against his cheek. “Oh…” 

“Hm?” Ren shut his eyes again and let Mishima take his hand back. 

“Are we… um… do you… like… me…?” He managed to choke the words out with way too much effort. 

Ren's eyes opened and he saw that Mishima looked genuinely terrified. Like he might cry. He sat up next to him and took his hand again.

“Do you like _me_?” He tried to hold eye contact but Mishima kept looking away.

“I-I-- um-- well!” His voice shifted up like it always did when he was nervous. 

Ren couldn't help but laugh. 

“Hey. Look at me.” Ren leaned in closer to him to catch his gaze. Mishima looked like he was going to combust. 

He pressed a kiss to his cheek. Just a quick, soft kiss. Mishima immediately made one of those adorable noises of his and doubled over, holding his face in his hands. Ren laughed again.

“Yuuki~” he cooed. 

“Oh God, stop!” Mishima was laughing too, but wouldn't sit up or uncover his face. 

“You're so cute.” Ren sighed and sat back, waiting for his maybe-boyfriend to recover. Mishima made another noise at the compliment but slowly sat up and regained his composure. He looked so, so happy. 

“I guess that was supposed to answer my question.” He leaned in a little closer to Ren, wanting some sort of contact. Ren closed the distance and leaned their heads together, nuzzling him a bit. “And, um. I do. I like you too. I have for a while, I just um… I didn't know if you liked guys, and then I thought maybe you and Sakamoto were dating… but I guess not?”

Ren lifted his head at the mention of Ryuji and frowned, looking away. It was still a sore subject for him, but he tried not to show it. Mishima must have thought he did something wrong because he immediately started up again when Ren's expression changed.

“Oh! And I mean, I… I know we've talked about this before already, but I… I like you. My friend. Not… the Phantom Thief. At first it was about that, but you're so… you're a good friend. And, uh, m-maybe, um, a… good boyfriend? If-- if you want to uh, be that? To me? Oh God.” He looked away and covered his face again, but just with one hand this time.

“Yuuki,” Ren waited for him to look back up at him. “Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?” His heart skipped a beat just saying that out loud. He had never been anyone's boyfriend before. It was exciting.

“Yes! If-- if you want to! I'd really like to be yours… So, um, please be my boyfriend!” Mishima was looking at him with such steadfast determination. He’d seen what he wanted and now he was going to have it. 

Ren just nodded a few times and leaned in again to put his head on his shoulder. Mishima hesitated but wrapped an arm around him and held him close, head resting against his. 

Things were so good with Mishima that Ren felt like nothing could go wrong. He made him happy. They were always smiling together, and he felt like they were just really good for each other. Mishima needed someone who understood his hang-ups and insecurities and Ren needed someone who didn’t expect him to be a fearless, brave leader all the time. He loved his friends, but their expectations were a lot to bear sometimes. Mishima had been like that at first too, but he had seen Ren when he was vulnerable, and listened to him talk about how much pressure he was under. He understood he was just human.

When he broke the news to the rest of the group that they had decided to be together, they were all fully supportive. Even Ryuji clapped a hand on his shoulder and congratulated him. He looked genuinely proud of him. But Ren realized he still felt weird about it. Did he still have feelings for Ryuji? He couldn’t. There was no point in feeling those feelings. He decided to just ignore it and hope the weirdness would pass.

* * *

Ryuji should have been happy for Ren. He should have been happy that his best friend in the world found someone who loved him the way he deserved to be loved. But he felt some sort of twisted burning in his gut when Ren broke the news to him. He couldn't parse exactly what the feeling was or what it meant, but it dug into him for days. 

He asked himself if it was because Ren was with another guy. Would he feel this way if Ren had gotten himself a girlfriend instead? He didn't know. He didn't _think_ he had anything against this kind of relationship, but then what was the issue? 

Mishima was a nice guy. Sure, he was kind of weird and super awkward, and there had been that incident with his Shadow, but Ryuji had known him since middle school and he had always been quiet and kind, if a bit of a doormat. He was always nice to Ren. He seemed like he would make a good boyfriend. There shouldn't have been anything to worry about. But that feeling kept gnawing at him.

Ren started bringing Mishima along sometimes when they would all hang out. They weren't super touchy, but every time Ryuji saw them lean against each other or share a look, his stomach twisted and he had to look away. 

He saw them briefly kiss each other goodbye before parting ways one evening after hanging out with himself and Ann, and he felt his blood run cold. He just didn't understand why. Was he jealous? Was he just mad because he was single and wanted a girlfriend? Because Ren had landed someone before he could? That was all he could think of. 

He tried to let go of that anger and feel happy for Ren. If anyone deserved love, it was him. They were all under so much pressure these days, and Ren had to hold them all together. He needed someone to make him feel like he mattered. 

Ryuji realized he had been avoiding Ren again. Not that Ren ever really sought him out anymore these days anyway. He was always with Mishima or Ann, and even Yusuke now. He knew he was partly to blame. He caught himself acting weird again shortly after Ren had started dating Mishima, and he knew how much that had hurt Ren before. He didn't understand why he did it. He _wanted_ to be around Ren. He missed the days when they would just sit around together and talk about whatever was on their minds. Part of him wished he could talk to Ren about his own confusing feelings now. But that would just be weird. _I get really upset when I see you with your boyfriend_. That wouldn't go over well.

Now they only really saw each other if the whole gang went into Mementos to train, or they ran into each other on their way out after school. But Ren was usually with Mishima then. They didn't see each other alone. 

Ryuji was lonely.

He hadn't really had friends before Ren showed up in his life. He'd had the track team, but that had quickly turned sour and he had never really bounced back from it socially. After his run-in with Kamoshida, everyone had labelled him a troublemaking punk and he had run (ha-ha, very funny, broken leg and all) with it. Anyone who had been casually friendly with him before abruptly stopped associating with him and he found himself very, very alone.

He had thought more than once that Ren had saved his life. He had given him purpose. He had given him friends who understood what he had gone through. He had given him a closer friendship than he had ever had before, and now he deeply missed that closeness. He had the others, but without Ren around, he always felt like sort of an outcast, even among his teammates. He wasn't even sure that any of them really liked him as a person. 

But Ren did. Ren had shown him that again and again. Ren had comforted him every time he had broken down crying about the track team or Kamoshida. Ren had told him bad jokes to make him laugh and had laughed at his own in return. Ren had helped him walk when he needed it instead of shaming him and looking down on him for putting himself in the position that had gotten him injured. Ren had held his hand. Ren had kissed him. 

He had almost forgotten that, but it came back to him now with striking clarity. The way Ren had kissed him soft and slow, the way he had found himself kissing back before he realized it. It had been… pleasant. He had never really thought about kissing another guy before but it wasn't that much different than kissing a girl. Ren was pretty like a girl, he had those long thick eyelashes and fluffy hair, soft hands, soft lips… 

He jerked himself back to reality and tried to force his brain off that track. Had he enjoyed kissing Ren? Maybe. Maybe it had just been nice to kiss someone at all, to feel wanted like that. He felt lonelier than ever now.

He tried to be strong and started initiating contact with Ren more. He'd text him just to talk or come sit with him and Ann during lunch and just hang out, but Mishima was always there for that. And Mishima was always nice to him, so it shouldn't have been an issue, but he just kind of wanted Ren to himself again. He felt bad realizing that. It was really starting to feel like jealousy. 

He caught Ren on the way out of school, mysteriously alone for once, and easily convinced him to go get dinner together. 

It felt like old times again. Everything felt normal. They were just two best friends arguing over which manga villain would win in an unarmed brawl. 

They walked back to the train station together and fell quiet. Ryuji had his hands shoved in his pockets and kept kicking a small stone around as they walked. 

“Hey,” He spoke up quietly and kicked the rock off to the side into the street. “I, uh, I've missed you.” 

“What do you mean? We see each other all the time.” 

“Yeah, but…” he sighed. “It's like, different. You know? You're always with Mishima, and that's fine, I mean he's your boyfriend, and I'm just…” 

“Just what?” 

“Just… your friend.” Ryuji shrugged.

“My _best_ friend.” Ren moved in closer to him and looped their arms together. “Not _just_ anything. If you're not getting enough attention, you can tell me. I will always make time for you.” He leaned his head on Ryuji's shoulder for a moment, like a weird walking form of a hug.

Ryuji felt his face heat up and looked away, smiling. 

“Yeah. Thanks, man.” He untangled their arms and put his around Ren's waist instead, squeezing him into a proper side-hug. Ren put his arm around Ryuji as well, and they walked like that for a while. 

This was the most content Ryuji had felt in a long while. He hadn't really realized how much all their little touches meant to him until he had been deprived. Was this how Ren had felt all those months ago? No wonder he had blown up on him about it.

Maybe he really had just been lonely and grumpy about it. One normal evening with Ren had turned his mood around and now he felt like nothing had ever been wrong. He had his best friend at his side. What else could he possibly want? 

But then he saw him holding hands with Mishima and giving him those sickly sweet eyes again, and the sick feeling returned twofold. What the hell was wrong with him? He _had_ to get this jealousy issue under control. He had never felt this way when Ren hung out with Ann or Yusuke or Makoto without him. He knew Ren was allowed to have other friends. Why was Mishima any different? Just because they were dating? He never had anything against Mishima at all, but now he found himself hating him and wanting him out of the picture.

Ren kept trying to arrange times for the three of them to spend time together. Mishima said he wanted to be closer to Ryuji because he was Ren's best friend. Ryuji acted flattered by the idea, but every second he spent with the two of them made him want to bolt for the door and never come back. Mishima seemed to pick up on his discomfort faster than Ren did, and he excused himself to go home early the third time they hung out, leaving Ren and Ryuji finally alone. Ren seemed confused, but then once Mishima was gone he just flopped over next to Ryuji on the couch and laid his head on his shoulder with a sleepy sigh. 

“You okay? Gonna survive without your boytoy attached to your hip?” Ryuji posed it like a friendly jab, but he wasn't sure how much of it was really a joke. He ruffled Ren's hair for good measure.

“Yeah, yeah.” He yawned and batted at Ryuji's hand weakly. “Ugh. I should be used to it by now, but all this Metaverse stuff on top of school is wearing me the hell out. I need a break. Let's all just run away to the beach for a few days. Go back to Hawaii.” He shut his eyes and nuzzled Ryuji's shoulder. 

“Sounds good to me. Screw the future of our country, right?” He leaned his head against Ren's. “The Phantom Thieves are hereby disbanded in favor of a tropical vacation. Steal your own damn hearts.” 

Ren laughed and the sound was music to Ryuji's ears. He took a deep breath, taking in how nice Ren's hair always smelled and how soft it felt against his cheek. They sat in silence for a while and he thought maybe Ren had fallen asleep on him.

“Renren?” He got a quiet hum in response. “Hey, is uh, is Mishima okay with you… bein’ this… I don't wanna say clingy cuz it's not like it's a bad thing, and I like it… but uh, you leanin’ on me like this and stuff?” 

Ren lifted his head up but didn't really move away.

“We've always done this. Why wouldn't he be okay with it?” 

“Oh. I dunno, it's just kind of… yeah, you're right. Sorry for bringin’ it up.” He realized he was looking at Ren's face way too closely. His thoughts wandered to how soft his lips had been when they had kissed, and he quickly looked away. Where had that come from?

“Are you worried he's going to get jealous or something? He knows we're close.” Ren dropped his head back down to Ryuji's shoulder and that was that. Ryuji didn't bring it up again.

* * *

“I don't think Sakamoto likes me.” Mishima tilted his head up from where he was laying on Ren's chest. Ren's hand stilled where it had been petting his hair. 

“What? Why?” Ren put his phone down and shifted his position to better focus on Mishima.

“I dunno, I could just be imagining things, probably, but every time we hang out together he just gives me these… looks. Like he's mad at me or something.” 

Ren resumed petting his very soft hair and Mishima shut his eyes and rested his cheek against him again.

“I didn't notice. You want me to talk to him? Sometimes he's just really dumb but he means well.” 

“Oh, n-no, not really… I don't wanna make it more awkward… I'm probably just imagining it anyway. It's okay. I just. Was worried I was doing something wrong.” His tone sank at the end and Ren moved slightly to pull him in closer. 

“You're not. You're perfect. Ryuji is just weird sometimes. He'll get over it.” 

Mishima lifted his head up again and scooted closer to Ren's face. Ren leaned in and kissed the tip of his nose and Mishima immediately broke out into a huge smile. 

“I um, Ren?” Mishima touched Ren's cheek and he leaned against his palm with a smile. “I love you.” 

Ren's expression faltered into one of surprise and Mishima pulled his hand away, certain he had done something wrong. He had never told anyone that before besides his parents, and maybe it was too soon, and maybe Ren didn't want things to be that serious, and-- 

Ren caught him by surprise and kissed him. It was a slow kiss that lasted longer than their kisses usually did. 

Ren pulled back first and smiled up at Mishima. 

“You look so freaked out right now.” He wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close to his side again. “It's okay.” He pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I love you too.”

* * *

Ryuji didn't know what to do. He found himself thinking about kissing Ren with way more frequency than he was comfortable with, which was to say _at all_. Every time they were together, his eyes managed to wander to his lips, to hone in on his smile and the way his eyes squinted when he was happy. This was freaking him out bad. 

He felt desperate. Like he had sunk so low that now he was willing to go for a _guy_ just to not be lonely anymore. He didn't even like guys. He had never had feelings for anyone but girls before, and God did he love girls, but he realized suddenly that he was _pining_ after Ren. If only he'd realized this when Ren had kissed him. At least then maybe they could have fooled around. That was normal, right? It didn't make you gay. Even if the guy you were kissing _was_ gay. Right? 

He tried looking at other guys at school to see if his preferences had suddenly swung and he was just like this now. Nobody caught his eye. There were some who he could admit were good-looking, but they didn't set off his radar like some of the girls did. He wouldn't call them cute or hot or sexy the way he would describe his female classmates. But none of them were Ren. He hated that he even had that thought.

He needed to talk to somebody. But the person he would normally talk to was Ren, and he couldn't stomach that. Not yet. And it couldn't be Ann. She would probably be _too_ understanding and tell him to go to Ren about it, and then he'd be back at square one. 

Yusuke. He was almost completely certain that Yusuke was gay. He had never asked him, but his ignorance towards Ann's appeal in favor of what he had called _aesthetic perfection_ had been a big tip-off. And he'd never heard him talk about the girls at Kosei. Yusuke was strange though, and it could just be that artists were just _like that_. Still, Yusuke wasn't the gossiping type and it didn't hurt to try. 

He invited him out to dinner under the pretense of just hanging out, just the two of them. They met Ryuji's usual ramen place and grabbed a seat. It was already awkward. 

“Hey, uh, you're gay, right?” 

Yusuke squinted at him with a mouth full of noodles. 

“Yes. Why do you ask?” His even tone didn't match the wary look he was giving him.

Ryuji did a little celebratory dance in his head for calling it. It translated outwardly to some vague wiggling in his seat he could pass off as just adjusting his posture. 

“How do you, like, _know_?” He tried to sound casual and like he wasn't digging for information.

“How do I know that I am gay?” Yusuke only sounded confused now. He was stirring his ramen with his chopsticks and watching the resulting whirlpool rather than looking at Ryuji.

“I mean, yeah, not you specifically, but like how does somebody _know_ they're gay? You don't like girls at all? You don't think they're cute? Ever?”

“Did you invite me here just to interrogate my identity?” 

“What? I'm not interrogatin’ you, man. I'm just askin’. You don't gotta get all defensive.” 

“Very well.” Yusuke set down his chopsticks and folded his hands on the table. “My apologies then. People can be rather hostile about this subject and it was my first instinct to assume that you had ulterior motives. I should trust in you more as my friend.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I'm not tryin’ to be… hostile or whatever.” Ryuji propped his chin up on his hand and watched Yusuke fiddle with a straw wrapper. He had long fingers, he noticed. His hands probably weren't as soft as Ren's. He worked with his more and paint probably wasn't great for your skin. His gaze wandered up to his face. Yusuke had attractive features. He could admit that. He had a long, thin face and always looked like he was deep in thought about something. His eyelashes weren't as full as Ren's, but they were long and pretty and framed his blue eyes well. His hair looked like it would be soft too, but it didn’t have the volume and curls that Ren’s had. Was Yusuke good-looking? Yes, Ryuji could see that plainly. Was he attracted to him? No. He didn't feel anything of the sort. 

He tore his gaze away once he realized where his thoughts had wandered off to. He was no closer to understanding his own feelings. Luckily, Yusuke wasn't the most observant person and hadn't noticed his staring. 

Finally, Yusuke spoke up again.

“To answer your questions, yes, I have found many girls to be quite cute, and even beautiful. But I simply cannot envision myself being… intimate with a woman. The idea of kissing a girl is ultimately uninteresting to me, and I have no desire for a girlfriend. When I consider the possibility of being close in that way with a man, it is… much more appealing.” He smiled down at his food. “I hope that is a sufficient answer for you.” 

Ryuji stared at his own food. It sort of was. But now he had even more questions. If you _did_ think about being with a guy, did it mean you _were_ gay? What if you still wanted a girlfriend? What if the thought of having a boyfriend didn't totally repulse you? What if you caught yourself fantasizing about kissing your best friend and it made all your past crushes on girls pale in comparison? He didn't like where this was going. 

“Yeah. It is, thanks. 'Preciate it.” 

They finished their meals over casual small talk and Ryuji went home feeling more conflicted than ever. 

It kept him awake way too late.

Maybe he had a crush. 

He had a crush on a guy.

He had a crush on Ren.

He pulled a pillow over his face and screamed into it. His mom was asleep and he didn't want to wake her, but he had to get _something_ out of his system. He threw the pillow aside and grabbed for his phone. 

He started frantically typing into Google. 

_How do you know you're bisexual_

_How do you know if you have a gay crush on your friend_

_How do you stop having a gay crush on your friend_

_How do you get with your friend if he already has a boyfriend and you already blew it by rejecting him when he kissed you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter Ryuji pining helplessly for several chapters.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains the entirety of the "background Akechi/Ren" in the tags, as it's not a prominent part of the story.

Ren thought it was a coincidence that he met Goro Akechi. They ran into each other at the station sporadically, but he was sort of a celebrity, and having someone like that stop in at Leblanc was interesting to say the least. He was almost immediately taken with him. He was oddly funny and not-so-oddly charming. The charm part came across well on TV, but Ren hadn’t been prepared for how… cute he was in person. 

He came in once a week to just have a coffee and make some small talk. Ren started making sure he was helping out in the shop in the evenings on the days Akechi usually stopped in, so he could be around to see him. He couldn’t tell if Akechi was this pleasant and kind to everyone or if he was flirting, but it still set off a swarm of butterflies in his stomach every time they shared a smile or Akechi laughed at something he said. 

He felt guilty when he realized how he was reacting. Like he had betrayed Mishima’s trust somehow, even though he hadn’t actually done anything. Talking to someone wasn’t a crime. Getting warm mushy feelings every time you saw an admittedly very cute boy and making sure to make time in your schedule to conveniently be at home every time he stopped by might be though. He thought about how upset Mishima would be if he knew how Ren felt. He could just see the look on his face. It nearly killed him. 

But he still couldn’t get Akechi out of his head, and he couldn’t make himself stop meeting with him. He had to do something about this. He had to figure out his own feelings. He just didn’t really even know where to start.

He decided to talk to Ann. He knew she wouldn’t be too hard on him and she wouldn’t treat him like dirt for having these feelings while seeing someone else. He hoped, anyway. They met up for lunch on a Sunday and she could immediately tell something was off with him. 

He just shrugged at first, but after some gentle nagging, he opened up more.

“Don’t-- don’t get onto me for this. I know it’s bad.” He took a deep breath. “I have… a crush on someone.” 

Ann just looked at him, waiting for more. “And?” She shoved some fries into her mouth and motioned for him to continue. 

“And it’s not my boyfriend. And I feel horrible and guilty and like I’m cheating on him or something?”

“Did you do anything though? It’s not cheating to have a crush.” 

“No, not really. We just… talk. And he’s really cute and sweet and--”

“Oh God, it’s Goro Akechi isn’t it?” Ren didn’t say anything. “ _Ren_! He _hates_ us! He’s going on TV talking about how we’re criminals!” She tried to keep her voice hushed but Ren still felt like he was getting yelled at.

“I know, okay? I already said I feel horrible.” He grabbed some of her fries to make up for her railing into him. She didn’t even protest. “But he’s really nice. He hasn’t tried anything, he just thinks we’re friends. I mean, we are friends, but.” 

“Probably because he doesn’t know who you _are_.” 

“You… think he wouldn’t like me anymore?” He dropped his eyes to the table. He didn’t know why the thought bothered him so much. It wasn’t like it mattered. He already had a boyfriend. 

“That’s not what I meant. Just like… He could really do some damage and I don’t know what he’s like besides what we see on TV so I don’t know if he’d do that to you if he knew, or… Just be careful.” She paused to eat some of her food, then looked back up at him. “And it’s _okay_ for you to have crushes on people.”

“I don’t know if it is.” He had that image of Mishima’s betrayal in his head again.

“It is. Really. Sometimes people don’t stop having feelings about that kind of stuff even if they’re in a relationship already. Sometimes people even manage multiple relationships at once.” She shrugged.

“What? I’m not going to _cheat on Yuuki_.” He actually felt offended that she would even imply that. That was the very last thing on his mind. He hadn’t even considered it a possibility. 

“No, of course not. Not like that. I mean like everyone knows what’s going on. Like polyamory, or whatever. You know.” 

He didn’t. It wasn’t the first time he had heard that word, but he didn’t ever really look into it. When he thought about stuff like that, he just imagined people getting caught cheating and trying to make something work for themselves to avoid trouble. He couldn’t imagine someone being happy like that. But… What if it actually did work?

He thought about Ryuji. If he could have had Ryuji as his boyfriend, would he have still wanted to pursue a relationship with Mishima? He couldn’t know. It didn’t matter anyway now. Ryuji had rejected him outright and he had to live with that. The romantic attention he got from Mishima had almost pushed his feelings for Ryuji into the back of his mind, but sometimes they still bubbled up. Sometimes he caught himself wanting to kiss him again, or wanting to just cuddle up to his chest like he did with Mishima. He just thought he was a bad person for it. Maybe there was a real explanation. 

That one word set off a flurry of late-night research. He found story after story of people being happy and loved by their multiple partners, of complex webs of relationships where everyone felt nurtured and cared for. He kept thinking about Mishima, about Ryuji, about Akechi. He didn’t think he could ever make all of that work out. But at least maybe he didn’t need to vilify his own feelings so harshly. 

He knew he needed to talk to Mishima. He just really wasn’t sure how. He wanted to be open and honest with him, but this felt like such a dangerous topic and he couldn’t stand the thought of hurting him. He had been hurt so much and Ren never wanted to be the reason for him to experience that kind of pain ever again. 

But he couldn’t handle feeling this conflicted and anxious. 

They were hanging out in Mishima’s room like they usually did. He was laying on his stomach while Mishima laid beside him on his phone, focused. He was trying to find the right moment to bring it up, and his chest kept tightening with anxiety. He pressed his face down into a pillow and whined. That got Mishima’s attention at least. 

“What’s wrong?” He didn’t put his phone down, but he did turn his head to look over. 

Ren didn’t respond and just kept his face hidden. He could barely breathe like this, but it wasn’t like he was doing that well anyway with how constricted his lungs felt. 

Mishima put his phone down and turned onto his side, bringing a hand over to touch Ren’s back.

“Honey? What’s wrong?” He was so quick to sound so concerned. He was just a worrier, and Ren knew that. A lifetime of anxiety would do that to someone. 

Ren turned his head to look at him, glasses crooked from being mashed into the bed. He had to squint to see him properly. 

“Can we… talk? It’s not bad. I think. Don’t worry. Please.” He tacked on the last few words as an afterthought, realizing how much more anxiety he was going to cause both of them by being vague. This already sucked and he hadn’t even started. 

“Yeah, o-of course. Just let me finish this real quick, okay?” He rubbed Ren’s back reassuringly and then got back to what he was doing on his phone. Probably Phansite work. He never seemed to take a break. He had told Ren before that he felt like he couldn’t. Ren really didn’t blame him. 

It took a few minutes, but he put his phone down on the bed and focused on Ren, giving him his full attention. Normally, Ren felt honored to take precedence over the Phansite, but right now he just felt even more nervous. He lifted himself up a little and took his glasses off. He really didn’t want to see Mishima’s face during this conversation and he could make it look like they were just getting in the way of his comfort. 

“I, um… I love you. So much. First of all.” Even though it was blurry, he could still see Mishima smile. “And I… God.” He covered his face with both hands. “I understand if you’re mad, okay? It’s fine. And I deserve it. But I… I might be, uh, I think I’d be comfortable and, uh, happy in an… open relationship. Not--! Not because I don’t love you, and not because I’m _unhappy_ now, I just… Have been thinking about it. And I felt bad not talking to you about it, cuz you… mean a lot to me. And I want you to know how I feel.” 

Mishima didn’t respond and Ren finally uncovered his face to look at him against his better judgement. He couldn’t make out the finer details, but he wasn’t smiling anymore at least. 

“O-okay.” He finally spoke, though he was quiet and Ren could detect a hint of hurt in his voice that pierced right into his own heart. “Thanks… for telling me.”

“Yuuki…” He grabbed one of his hands and held it, bringing it close to his own chest. Mishima didn’t pull away. “It doesn’t have to happen. I just wanted to tell you. It’s okay.” He used the most gentle tone he could manage, the one he used when Mishima was having his worse days, when he couldn’t get Kamoshida’s voice out of his head and needed a grounding reminder that he was safe. He just hoped it worked now.

Mishima nodded and sniffled. Ren leaned in close to kiss him, but he put up an arm to keep distance between them and turned his head away. Ren mumbled an apology and let go of his hand. 

They just stayed together quietly until Mishima sat up and said his parents would probably be home soon. Ren knew how to take a hint and he gathered himself and got ready to leave. Usually they would kiss goodbye. He had already been rejected from one kiss and he really didn’t want to go for two. Instead, he just hovered close to Mishima by the front door, unsure of what was okay to do. 

He was surprised when Mishima put his arms around him and pressed his face into his neck. He put his arms around his waist and held him close, pressing a kiss to his head. Mishima squeezed him and he felt him exhale shakily against his skin. 

“Love you…” It was quiet and sad and Ren could feel his heart breaking. He just pressed another few kisses to his head and squeezed him tighter, swaying both of them slightly on their feet. 

“I love you more.” That made Mishima lift his head up, and he was smiling a little. Ren kissed his forehead and it made him smile even bigger. His eyes still looked sad, but he didn’t look like a kicked puppy anymore. 

“I doubt it.” He looked away but then leaned up and kissed him quickly. Ren leaned back down as he pulled away and kissed him again, longer this time. Mishima hummed contentedly against him. 

Maybe things hadn’t gone _super_ well, but they hadn’t gone terribly either. Ren could understand why Mishima was upset. He had spent his whole life being treated like he didn’t matter, and now Ren was implying he wasn’t enough. He had ripped the security of their relationship right out from under his feet. All he could do was keep trying to tell and show him that he really was enough. Cliche as it was, it was a him problem, not a Mishima problem. 

He’d just have to figure it out. 

Then the Okumura incident happened. Things weren’t going well. That was for sure. 

His life suddenly became even more chaotic than it had been and things just kept getting worse. Even amongst all the seemingly much more pressing issues, he was still struggling with his relationship with Akechi. He had managed to fix things with Mishima, and he had gotten the word that Mishima _might_ be okay with that kind of set-up in the future, but he needed to think about it right now. That was a start. But the glimmer of hope had only made his crush on Akechi worse.

Akechi told him he felt something special between them and he nearly dropped a mug. 

Sojiro started letting Akechi stay past close since he figured he was one of Ren’s friends by now.

A week later, Akechi leaned across the bar to kiss him and he really did break a mug that time. He was almost glad he did. He wasn’t sure if he would have pulled away if Akechi had done what he intended to do. He had scrambled around the bar to help Ren pick up the pieces of glass, apologizing profusely and promising to pay for the cost of the mug.

“No, no, it’s fine, it’s okay. I’m the one who dropped it.” 

“Yes, but I startled you.” Akechi nudged Ren’s hands out of the way and used his own gloved ones to pick up the pieces. “You shouldn’t be touching broken glass with your bare hands. I wouldn’t want you to injure yourself because of my foolishness.” 

“Is that what you call that?” Ren stood and came back with a trash bag. He held it open for Akechi to dump the pieces in. 

“Flirtatiousness. Foolishness.” He placed the pieces in the bag and then stood up, inspecting his gloves for any splinters of glass. “Pick your poison.” 

“So you have been flirting with me. I thought that was just your TV shtick and you talked to all the boys like that.” 

Akechi gave an unexpectedly ugly half-laugh-half-snort in response and immediately covered his mouth, embarrassed. 

Ren was enamored.

“Pardon me! You just caught me so off-guard, I… No, I don’t talk to _every_ boy like that. But you fascinate me. You’re special.” 

Ren made a few embarrassing noises of his own and shuffled away to throw out the broken glass. Akechi moved back around to the customer side of the bar and Ren joined him. 

“You’ve said that twice now.” Ren leaned against the counter and crossed his arms.

“Have I? How embarrassing.” He shifted closer to Ren and touched his arm. Ren looked at his hand but didn’t pull away. “I suppose I just want to make sure that I’m heard. My words reach so many people, but it’s not often that I’m actually listened to.” 

These small glimpses of very human sadness that Akechi let slip through the cracks in his public image were what kept drawing Ren in. On TV, he was so proper, so perfect. Ren wouldn’t have guessed that he was hurting. But when they were alone together, or even when it was just them and Sojiro in the room, he seemed so… broken. Like he was just playing a part and hoping someone would see through it and pull him out. Ren wanted to be the one to do that. If Akechi was hurting, he wanted to be the one to help him. He knew he had to be careful, he knew his own livelihood was at stake, especially after what had happened with Okumura, but…

Akechi withdrew his hand and put some distance between the two of them.

“It’s gotten quite late. I should really be going.” He picked up his briefcase from the floor. “I’ll see you, Amamiya-kun.” 

“Yeah. See you. Don’t work too hard.” 

Akechi laughed and walked out the door. Ren locked it behind him and leaned against it, heart pounding. 

He had narrowly avoided really messing up. If he hadn't dropped that mug, he would be in trouble. He could never face Mishima if things had progressed that far. Just knowing Akechi really had been flirting with him, really was interested in him in that way, was making him feel vastly opposing emotions. His guilt was winning out over his elation, but only barely.

He ended up telling Mishima about it. He just didn't feel right keeping it from him, even if nothing had really happened. 

He looked hurt. Of course he did. 

Ren did his best to explain. They hadn't kissed. They hadn't done anything. But Akechi had admitted to flirting and Ren had been receptive, and he wanted to be open about it. He held Mishima's hand the whole time they talked, rubbing his thumb back and forth. He reassured him that he loved him and he wouldn't do anything that Mishima didn't want him to. 

That seemed to cheer him up a little. He leaned against Ren and held his hand tighter. And then something unexpected happened.

“If… if it would make you happy… if you can promise me that you still love me… that they don't cancel each other out, that you're not… bored of me and just… trying to find something better, I… I think… it might be okay. But!” He sat up and looked Ren right in the eyes, suddenly much more intense. “ _Not_ Akechi! Are you _crazy_? He's _so_ dangerous! He's trying to get you thrown in jail! If he finds out about you, he's going to get you killed! With this Okumura thing going on, with everyone rallied against you, are you _seriously_ flirting with _him_?” 

Mishima was mad. And not even for the reasons Ren expected. He laughed nervously. 

“ _Ren_.” Mishima squeezed his hand so hard it hurt, glaring at him.

“I hear you. I know you're right, I just… he's so… I can tell there's more to him. I think he needs help. I'm being very careful. I promise.” 

Mishima pouted and pulled his hand away abruptly. 

“The Phansite is in shambles. There's a warrant out for your arrest. And you want to kiss the detective on your case.” His tone was flat.

“Uh… yeah…? Basically. When you put it that way, it sounds stupid.”

“It _is_ stupid! Stop doing it!” 

“Are you… you're really mad.” 

“Yeah! A little! I've worked _so_ hard to make a name for you and make sure you could _help_ people and everything's just going to shit and all you're thinking about is _Akechi_.” He was really yelling now. He stood up from the couch and paced, arms crossed. 

“Baby. I know you're mad, but keep your voice down, there's customers--” 

“Don't _baby_ me right now,” he snapped, but lowered his voice. “I'm going home. Have fun with Akechi.” 

“ _Yuuki_.” Ren jumped up and tried to keep him from leaving the room. He went to grab his arm but got shoved off.

“Don't touch me.” His voice was much lower now, but managed to be even scarier that way. He slammed the door behind him and Ren heard the stairs creaking as he left.

He messed up. He really, really messed up. And it took him over a week to even begin picking up the pieces. He ended up a crying mess on Ann's couch before it was all over with and that only made him feel more pathetic. 

He apologized to Mishima through texts, and got ignored. Mishima avoided him at school and ran out as soon as class was dismissed every day so Ren couldn’t corner him to talk. He didn’t know what else to do besides give him time and space, but that sucked.

Meanwhile, the Phantom Thieves had a plan in the works. It had been Makoto’s idea to get Akechi involved with the school festival. Ren hadn’t even really had to lift a finger to make it happen. Ann kept throwing him a look while Makoto told them about how they needed a police connection, and gave him an even more incredulous look when Yusuke said it would be smart to gain Akechi as an ally. Ren had nothing to do with it, but he was still pleased. 

The school festival came and he found himself forced into a closer relationship with Akechi than he had meant to. And not in the way he had ever imagined. He hadn’t ever stopped to think that Akechi was one of them, that he could use the same powers they could. He hadn’t expected to be blackmailed into a new target. He hadn’t expected to be blackmailed at all.

He also hadn’t expected Ryuji to invite him to the after-festival party with the addition that Mishima was already there with him. He thought things would be awkward, but after some initial standoffishness, things were pretty normal. At least, as normal as things could be right then. Most of the evening was spent with Ren and Ryuji both trying to embarrass each other as much as they could, and Mishima got a few good laughs out of it. 

Ren jokingly threatened to announce his love for Ryuji on stage in front of a reasonable chunk of the student body and that really did it. As soon as they were out of the auditorium, Mishima couldn’t stop laughing. Ren hadn’t seen him this happy in ages. He pushed his luck and put an arm around his waist to pull him in close to his side and kissed his head when he was sure Ryuji wasn’t looking. Mishima didn’t pull away or fight him, he just made a happy sound and kept trying to stifle his laughter. Ren released him just in time for Ryuji to turn back to the two of them.

“Okay, dude, cut it out.” He shot Mishima a warning look, but it didn’t stop Mishima from laughing behind his hand. “S’not _that_ funny, okay?” He just looked defeated now.

“I just never knew you could be so nervous! You’re always so _bold_. I kind of admire it.” Mishima rubbed the tears out of his eyes and leaned on Ren’s shoulder, grinning. 

“Yeah, yeah. I got feelins too, y’know…” That set Mishima off laughing again. “If you don’t shut it, I’m really gonna kill you, man.”

“I miss that shy Ryuji.” Ren cooed, teasing him. Mishima muffled another shriek against Ren’s shoulder. 

“Dude, c’mon! Drop it already!” There was an edge to his voice, but Ren could still tell he wasn’t too mad. “But, uh, if you hadn’t said somethin’ back there, I probably woulda said somethin’ dumb, so… Thanks.” He stepped closer to Ren, forcing Mishima to back off to a reasonable distance, and put a hand on his shoulder. He leaned in close to him and lowered his voice. “We’re up to our eyes in shit with Akechi, and this guy just gets to laugh his ass off, huh? I’m kinda jealous.” He stepped back and waved a hand at Mishima. “I’m goin’ home. You two lovebirds stay outta trouble. See ya.” 

Ryuji left the two of them standing on the rooftop together, silently. Ren was the first one to speak.

“Hey, Yuuki, I--”

“I’m sorry.” Mishima cut him off. “I blew up on you cuz I was stressed out about the whole, uh, situation with… y’know, and… I should’ve been nicer, I just got so freaked out about the Phansite and the polls and the news and I didn’t even think about what you must’ve been feeling, and I… I’m sorry. I just want things to be normal between us again. I missed you. I… I love you.” 

“I… Thanks. Normal sounds good right now.” Ren was suddenly overwhelmed by just how much stress he had just been thrown under in the past few hours, and he knew he couldn’t say anything to Mishima about it just yet. He just wanted some semblance of normalcy or comfort and getting his boyfriend to talk to him again was a good start. 

They left the school together, hand in hand, and Mishima came home with him for a while. It was good to just sit together, being held and loved on, like nothing was wrong. Like he wasn’t about to have to face a whole new monster.

Suddenly, Akechi was one of the Phantom Thieves rather than their most prolific critic. He was hanging around them more, and they were expected to work together. Ryuji kept glaring daggers at both him and Ren during their meetings and didn’t seem to be able to keep himself from yelling nearly every word he spoke. Ren tried to stand near him during meetings and put a hand on his back to steady him, but he could practically feel the anger coming off of him in waves.

He really didn’t blame him. They were all a little angry. 

In addition to their Phantom Thieves meetings, Akechi hadn’t stopped his weekly visits to Leblanc, claiming the coffee and company were something he enjoyed regardless of any time spent together as a group. He wanted to see Ren alone. 

Ren started sitting on a barstool next to him rather than staying behind the counter. This close up, he could see the finer details of Akechi’s face. The ones they covered up with makeup and Photoshop when he was on TV. There was a light dusting of freckles across his nose and cheeks. He had bags under his eyes. There was a small scar right under his lower lip, and a few other blemishes Ren could make out even under the light makeup Akechi wore in his day-to-day life. Ren hadn’t realized he did that, but it made sense that he would want to look perfect. He wondered what he would look like without it. He felt lucky to be able to see all of him like this. There were people out there who would pay good money to be this close to him, he was sure. 

Akechi had been staring into his mostly-empty coffee mug for some time now, long enough to not have noticed Ren slowly leaning closer to get a better look at him.

“Are you… okay?” 

Akechi barely jumped at his voice, startled. He fidgeted with the edge of a glove and Ren just barely made out some pink lines standing out against his skin underneath.

“Oh! Yes! My apologies, I simply have a lot on my mind, and I… That was incredibly rude of me, to get so lost in thought like that while in your company.” He smiled politely at Ren and turned a bit to face him more, hands in his lap now. 

“It’s fine. I was just worried. Your coffee’s gonna get cold. Want me to make you a new one?” He went to grab the mug and Akechi held his wrist on the bar. 

“That won’t be necessary. I’ve taken up enough of your time tonight.” He slid his hand down from Ren’s wrist and onto his hand. “I do appreciate the offer.” 

Ren didn’t know what to say or do. He couldn’t bring himself to pull his hand back. He just sat, shocked, staring at Akechi’s face. 

“I-I, um… Y-yeah. Any… any time.” He swallowed hard.

Akechi laughed.

“You’re so flustered. Is this too much?” He pulled his hand back to himself but leaned in closer to Ren, smiling that handsome smile of his. “My apologies again, then.” 

“N-no, it’s not, I just--” 

Akechi kissed him. And he didn’t even have a mug to drop this time. He just gripped the bar and felt Akechi touch his other arm while their lips moved against each other’s. He pulled back first once he got some sense back and he couldn’t make himself look at him. He felt like he probably looked as confused and upset as he felt.

“What’s wrong?” Akechi kept that hand on his arm. It was a gentle touch. His hands were warm even through the gloves.

“I, um. I have… I have, uh, a boyfriend. I’m sorry.” 

“Oh.” Akechi pulled back from him completely and seemed just as flustered as Ren now. “My deductive skills have failed me, then. Is it Sakamoto-kun?” 

“N-no! No. It’s not. Someone else. You don’t know him.” He realized he sounded like he was making up a lie. “He’s not one of us. He’s just… a schoolmate. He’s not involved.” 

“I see. I hope this doesn’t throw a wrench into your relationship. I couldn’t bear to be the cause of such distress for either of you.” Akechi stood and gathered his things. “I’ll be going then. Again, I apologize.” He hurried out of the shop and shut the door a little too hard behind him. 

Ren was left reeling at the bar. He didn’t know how to even begin processing this. 

Akechi was more distant with him after that, keeping some space between them. They kept working together in the Metaverse, but there were no more lingering gazes or casual touches. He seemed more formal than usual. He didn't come to Leblanc anymore. 

It was probably just as well.

Futaba had been brilliant as always and put a wire on Akechi's phone, and that got them to the conclusion that he was working with Masayoshi Shido, the man responsible for Ren's current situation with the law. It stung. He tried to reason with himself, to convince himself there had to be a reason for Akechi to be doing something like that. He was on their side, right? The others weren't convinced. 

They had a plan, but Ren felt out of the loop. His brain was way too frazzled to focus and he just let everyone do what they wanted. A simple “sounds good” from their fearless leader was enough to keep them going. It didn't really feel like it mattered anymore what happened. He couldn't stop anything. 

Except their plan apparently involved him risking his life. They didn't say it like that, but he knew what they meant. Being a Phantom Thief was dangerous, after all. 

The night before they infiltrated Sae Niijima's palace for the final time, he had Mishima stay over. He needed him there to stabilize himself, and he was terrified he wouldn't see him again. He knew he couldn't tell him what was going on. It wasn't worth the risk. Ever since Akechi had caught onto them, they'd been more on lockdown than usual about any information leaking out, and that included keeping their so-called PR manager in the dark a bit more.

But Mishima could tell something was wrong. He wasn't stupid. Ren just clung to him, face to his chest, legs tangled, laying on Ren's bed, both of them silent. Mishima had a hand in his hair and was stroking it lovingly, reassuringly. Every now and then he'd sigh or kiss Ren's head. 

Ren couldn't stop thinking about how much he'd miss him if this went wrong. 

He fell asleep against his chest and had no dreams. In the morning, he kissed him like he was never going to kiss him again, and it left Mishima flustered and confused. He couldn't explain, just said he loved him and wanted to make sure he knew it. 

And then his very bad day started.

His memories of it were hazy. They had stolen Sae's treasure, but on the way out they had been stopped. Ren got pulled into police custody without the others. 

He remembered getting pushed around, getting kicked and having something jabbed into his arm. Mostly, he just remembered being scared for his life. He couldn't remember what was supposed to happen. He just knew he had to give Sae his phone and make sure she showed it to Akechi. That was all he could keep straight in his mind through the drug-induced haze. He knew he got interrogated, but what he had actually said was beyond him. 

And then it was over.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a lot going on emotionally. I promise that, aside from this chapter, everyone is EXTREMELY nice to Mishima for the remainder of this fic. This one is an anomaly.
> 
> Content warning in this chapter for talk about Ren's (fake) suicide and some guilt tripping/manipulation.

Ryuji was doing his best to cope with the situation. Between being weirdly jealous over Mishima and having some truly bizarre emotions about his best friend, he didn't have enough mental energy left to be dealing with Goro Akechi. Ren kept giving him those same longing glances he gave Mishima, and it was making Ryuji _insane_. 

Every time he thought about the guy, his blood boiled. He was a smarmy, pompous know-it-all, and Ren couldn't seem to keep his eyes or hands off of him. Everyone _knew_ Akechi was up to something. Even Mishima had instantly admitted to Ryuji that something weird was going on when he'd managed to ask him about it. But Ren seemed blinded by Akechi's stupid pretty-boy made-for-TV excuse for a personality. 

He was angry a lot these days. He realized that, and he knew why, but it was like he couldn't do anything to stop himself. He tried working out more to burn off the energy, but one wrong step and his bad leg would force him into submission. He couldn't risk shit like that when they had a palace to be infiltrating. He felt like enough of a burden as it was. He couldn't make them carry him around the casino, especially with all those hanging platforms.

When they decided what Ren would be doing at the end of Sae's palace, he got a very bad feeling in his gut. He knew he wasn't the only one. None of them wanted to have to resort to this, but it was the only way they could think of to deal with Akechi and make sure he wouldn't come back. They were in too much danger. 

Before they went in that last time, he pulled Ren aside and put a hand on his shoulder. 

“You got this.” He did his best to smile even though he felt like he was about to burst into tears. Ren's awkward half-smile in return only twisted his guts more. He couldn't help himself and threw his arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. “Love you, man.” 

Ren patted his back and squeezed him in return. They stayed like that until Futaba yelled at them to break it up and get ready to go. 

And that was that. 

They infiltrated the palace, took down Sae's shadow, and tried to make a break for it with the treasure. And then, just like they had predicted, something went terribly wrong. 

The cops showed up. Ren got dragged away. They knew something like this was coming, but Ryuji was still scared shitless having to leave him like that. If something happened to Ren, he… 

He couldn't think about it. But returning home alone was terrifying. He could barely get breaths in. The girls had all gone off together somewhere, not wanting to be alone with their feelings, but Ryuji and Yusuke had gone separate ways. Ryuji briefly considered texting Yusuke and asking if they could hang out, but he knew it would just be sad and awkward. He didn't want Yusuke to see him cry and he didn't think he'd be able to handle Yusuke crying either. 

So he just cried by himself in his room and hoped he could pull himself together before his mom came home and saw what a wreck he was. He couldn't lie to her and he couldn't stand to see how hurt she looked when he shut her out either. He hopped in the bath right before she was supposed to be back and excused himself off to bed after greeting her and telling her goodnight. It was better to just avoid her for now.

When he woke up the next day, the Phantom Thieves logo was plastered all over the news along with a headline stating that their leader had been taken into police custody and had committed suicide. Ryuji felt his heart constrict. He knew it wasn't true. He knew it was part of the plan. Ren was okay, he was fine, he was alive and breathing, he had to be. But there was a nagging voice in his head saying _but what if he isn't_? 

What if they had messed up somehow? What if Futaba's idea with the Metanav hadn't worked? What if Sae hadn't been able to get Akechi to look at the phone? There were too many variables. 

He skipped out of school after lunch, but not before Mishima cornered him in the hallway and dragged him into the bathroom by his sleeve.

“What the hell, man--” Ryuji jerked his arm out of Mishima's grip and went to open the door to leave. 

“Where's Ren?” Mishima looked like he had been crying. His eyes were red and he looked like he might start up again any second. But his voice was steady and tense. Ryuji opened the door and tried to step out but Mishima grabbed him and pulled him back in. “Sakamoto! Where _is_ he?!” 

“I don't effin know, dude. Leave me the hell alone.” Ryuji shoved him off again, scowling. He had never been a spiteful person, but with everything going on, getting to rile Mishima up for once was a small pleasure he would gladly take. He knew it was mean, evil even, to not let him at least know Ren was alive, but he didn't care. 

“Just tell me he's okay. _Please_.” Mishima's voice wasn't steady anymore and the waterworks were starting back up. Ryuji had to look away so he wouldn't be swayed by emotion and ethics. “It's all over the news and he's not here today and _I need to know he's okay_.” 

“I told you to leave me the hell alone. You spent the night with him the other night. You should've noticed if something was wrong. You tell _me_ where he is.” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. He cut himself off before he said anything else. 

Mishima physically recoiled and then crouched down on the floor, doubled over and sobbing into his hands. Ryuji couldn't stand to look at him, so he turned around and left before he started crying too. 

When his head cleared later, he felt like the world's biggest asshole. He considered texting Mishima to apologize and explain, but he just didn't have the energy to do it. 

He took a nap instead.

Makoto sent out a group text after school making sure everyone was okay and letting them know that, as far as Sae was aware, the plan had gone off without a hitch. Ren would come home that evening. 

He felt all the tension in his body release and he could finally get in a deep breath for the first time that day.

* * *

Ren wasn't sure what was going on. He was taken home by Sae and dumped off with Sojiro without much explanation. Even if she had explained, his head was swimming way too much for him to have comprehended any of it. He could barely stay standing and Sojiro had to help him up the stairs. He knew his friends showed up. He got hugged a lot, and at some point fell asleep. 

When he woke up, it was dark and Ryuji was sitting on the floor by his bed, arm propped up on the mattress and cheek resting there, asleep. Ren reached out a shaky hand and stroked his hair. The movement was too much and he just let his hand rest there. 

Ryuji barely opened his eyes.

“Hey… how ya feelin’?” He lifted his head, nudging Ren's hand out of the way. 

“Mm…” was all Ren managed, shutting his eyes again. 

“Not great, huh? They gave you the good stuff.” He grinned for a second, then frowned again. “I was worried about you, man… They said on TV you uh… you killed yourself, and… I got worried maybe we effed up.” 

Ren tried to reach for him again, but just managed to move his hand a few inches. But Ryuji got the idea and took Ren's hand in his, squeezing softly. 

He felt like shit. Every inch of his body throbbed in pain. He was certain at least a few of his ribs were cracked and he got a stabbing pain in his side every time he inhaled too deeply. His face was swollen with bruises and his lip had been busted open. He didn't know if he made it home with his glasses, but they weren't on his face. 

“Sae-san said the drugs they gave you would take a while to completely wear off. Wish they could've given you some pain meds though. You look like shit.” Ren tried to smile at that, but he wasn't sure what he was actually doing with his face. “Still handsome though.” Ryuji stroked his hair out of his face, careful not to bump any sore spots. 

He fell back asleep without realizing it. For the rest of the night, he was in and out of consciousness and unsure of which state was which. At one point, he could feel someone laying next to him and hear breathing. Instinctively, he moved closer to the warmth and put his head on his chest. A hand came up and held his head there. He could feel Morgana near his head as well. A sense of safety washed over him before losing consciousness again. 

He didn't feel a whole lot better in the morning. Ryuji was gone when he woke up, but soon returned with a plate of food for him and some water. 

“Mornin’, sleepyhead. Thought you were gonna sleep forever.” Ryuji set the plate down next to the bed and sat next to him. “Feel like eating somethin’?” 

Ren realized underneath all the pain and exhaustion, he really was hungry. He nodded and tried to sit up but couldn't get the strength. Ryuji moved to help him, and the motion of getting upright made him gasp in pain. He clung to Ryuji's shirt and grit his teeth. 

“S’okay. I got you. You're okay.” Ryuji helped him prop himself up and set the plate in his lap. He had a coffee for himself and he took a sip of it once he was sure Ren was settled. 

Ren ate agonizingly slowly. Every motion he made felt like dragging his limbs through molasses and he didn't quite feel like he was fully occupying his own body. Everything was sort of shifted a few feet off-center. And everything was blurry. Oh right, his glasses.

“R’ooji,” his voice came out slurred and Ryuji laughed. He swallowed and tried to speak more clearly. “Can I have… glasses?” 

“Oh, yeah. I took em off you last night cuz you kept passing out.” Ryuji started to hand the glasses to him but then just put them on his face for him instead. “There you go.”

Everything… Sort of came into focus. He realized the problem was that one of his eyes was busted up so bad he couldn’t see well out of it. He didn’t even want to think about looking in a mirror. He just tried to smile at Ryuji and went back to eating. 

He gave up about halfway through his meal because he was too tired, but getting even a little food in his system had cleared his head considerably. 

He realized he hadn’t seen Mishima since before he got taken in and he suddenly sat up straighter, which felt like getting stabbed in the ribs. 

“Hey, man, take it easy. What’s wrong?” Ryuji tried to ease him back but he struggled as much as he could. “Ren! Stop, you’re gonna hurt yourself.” He let himself be forced back into the same position. He knew he couldn’t get up right now, no matter how badly he wanted to. 

“I need to talk to Yuuki. He needs to know I’m okay.” Speaking was easier now that he could think clearly. He was still slurring a little, but at least he could get the syllables out. 

“He knows. It’s okay.” Ryuji picked at a spot on the sheets. “I talked to him. Just rest.” 

“I miss him.” 

“I know. You can see him when you’re feelin’ a little better. No offense, but you don’t look great right now. You might scare him off.” 

Ren used what little strength he had to barely shove at Ryuji’s arm. 

He spent the whole day in bed, napping and letting Ryuji take care of him. By the evening, Ryuji had to go home. His mom hadn’t known he had skipped school and he had to make it back before she came home. By then, Ren was feeling much better mentally. The physical pain lingered, but he hadn’t expected it to just vanish any time soon. 

Futaba came up to see him and dropped off his phone ceremoniously, telling him it had saved his life (with her help, of course). They talked for a while and then she left to give him some more time alone to rest. He was finally able to look at his phone. Sae had turned it off, probably to preserve the battery. When he switched it on, he was bombarded with notifications. 

He had 27 texts and twice as many missed calls. All from Mishima. 

The texts started out worried and ended up completely heartbreaking. 

**Mishima:** Are you okay?  
**Mishima:** Ren?  
**Mishima:** I just saw the news please call me please be ok  
**Mishima:** Ren this isn’t funny  
**Mishima:** Please please be ok  
**Mishima:** I love you so much Ren please call me please tell me you’re not dead I can’t handle this  
**Mishima:** I’m so scared please be ok

The most recent message was from that afternoon. Ryuji said he had talked to him. It didn’t add up. If Mishima knew he was okay, he shouldn’t have still been frantically texting him like that. 

He went for the most direct route and called instead of texting. Mishima picked up after half a ring and nearly deafened Ren in the process.

“ _Ren_?! Oh my God. Ren?” He had definitely been crying and it showed in his voice.

“Hey, yeah-- I’m okay.” He could hear Mishima sobbing. “Breathe, baby. It’s okay.” 

He waited for Mishima to be able to speak again and kept making soft comforting noises at him. 

“Why didn’t you answer y-your _phone_? Why-- What happened? Where did you _go_?” Mishima barely got the words out from how hard he was crying.

“Can you come over? I don’t really… wanna talk about it over the phone. But I’m okay, I promise. Everything’s okay.” 

“Y-yeah.” He sniffled. “I’ll leave as soon as I can, I… Ren…” There was some shuffling and shaky breathing. “I love you…” 

“I love you too. I’ll see you soon. Oh-- I just-- I don’t want you to freak out when you get here, okay? I, uh… I haven’t looked in a mirror, but… I definitely don’t look good.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“I’m a little beat up. Hope you still like me when I’m ugly.”

That actually got a small laugh out of him. 

Mishima showed up about an hour later and Ren heard him practically fly up the steps before he threw the door open and launched himself at Ren on the bed, squeezing him into a hug. Ren whimpered loudly in pain and instinctively tried to shove him off. 

“Oh God, I’m so sorry-- Ren--” He was already starting to cry again, but winced when he actually got a look at Ren’s face. He gently touched his jaw and tilted his head to the side to get a better look. Ren shut his eyes, partially from pain and partially from not wanting to see how upset Mishima looked. “Who did this?”

“Cops.” Ren choked the word out. His head was still spinning from the sudden onset of pain in his entire rib cage. 

“So they did get you…” Mishima settled in next to him and carefully pulled him close against him, burying his face in his hair. “You knew something was going to happen. You were acting so _weird_ the other day… Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I couldn’t. I’m sorry.” Ren sighed and settled in against him, face in the crook of his neck. “It was too dangerous. It’s over now, though. I’m a dead man as far as the law is concerned.” 

“I… thought you were a dead man for real…” 

Ren lifted his head up with some effort. 

“Didn’t Ryuji talk to you?”

“No, he-- I tried to ask him and he just… Told me he didn’t know and to leave him alone. So I just… thought it was true…” Mishima’s voice got quieter as he went on. “He said I should've noticed something was wrong with you, so I…”

Ren was absolutely going to _kill_ Ryuji.

Mishima didn’t want to part with Ren, but he did have school the next day, so they had to say their goodbyes after a few hours. Sojiro had withdrawn Ren from school under the guise of “family matters” back home, so he was free to skip for the time being. He thought he should be thrilled at the opportunity to just stay home all day while his friends were stuck sitting in classrooms, but it quickly dawned on him that he would be having a whole lot of time to himself during the days.

Morgana was good company, but he had his own issues going on, and he couldn’t provide the type of physical companionship that his friends or his boyfriend could. Cuddling with a cat was one thing, cuddling with a person was another.

By the next morning, he felt okay enough to get up and move around. He made it downstairs on his own, slower than he would have liked, but he was just glad to be able to get out of his room. There was no one in Leblanc. Sojiro had closed up for a few days to give him some time to recover in peace, and Ren was grateful for that. He didn’t think customers would enjoy seeing him walking around in the state he was in. 

He made himself a quick breakfast and some coffee and got Morgana fed. They ate together at a booth and chatted. Morgana was avoiding the subject of his interrogation, and he knew it. That was fine with him. He didn’t want to think about it. 

He did the dishes and resigned himself to going back upstairs. There wasn’t anything to do in the shop and Sojiro had expressly forbid him from going outside, at least until he looked better and the news had died down. 

He messed around on his phone for a while. Anything for a distraction. Ryuji texted a few times, and for the first time in the duration of their friendship, he ignored him. 

Yusuke texted too, asking after him and wanting to see him if he had time. Well, he had plenty of that. They arranged to meet up when Yusuke’s school let out for the day. Until then, Ren was left to wallow. 

Memories were slowly rising up from the fog in his brain and he kept trying to beat them back. He didn’t _want_ to think about what Akechi had done to the cognitive version of himself. He didn’t _want_ to think about Sae telling him he had been sold out. And he definitely didn’t want to think about how everyone had tried to warn him that it was coming. He had been blinded by Akechi’s charm and he knew it, but he still couldn’t let go of the idea that it wasn’t _really_ him. The Akechi he had caught glimpses of underneath that carefully put together facade had to be the real thing. Something else was going on that no one else was talking about. 

Akechi had been vulnerable with him. He had been flustered and open in his own way and he had sought Ren out for company and comfort. He had kissed him and seemed genuinely hurt when Ren had rejected him. That wasn’t the Detective Prince, but it wasn’t a murderer either. He was just a person. And Ren had trusted him. 

Just another stupid mistake. It seemed like all he was capable of anymore. When he wasn’t playing his role as Joker, he was just an idiot. 

He realized he was crying. Morgana realized it too and reached out a paw to place on his hand. The gesture made him smile through his tears and he used his other hand to pet his head, silently thanking him. 

Yusuke showed up right on time, punctual as always. Ren didn’t want to hobble back upstairs quite so soon, so they just settled into a booth and Ren got them both coffee. Yusuke was always intrigued by the process, only ever having had instant coffee before becoming familiar with Leblanc. Ren set the mug down in front of him and then took a seat with his own, spilling a few drops on the table in the process and sighing at his own incompetence. He didn’t need this today. He just decided to ignore it and leaned his forehead on his hand, frowning.

“Is everything alright?” Yusuke looked at his own drink and then back to Ren. 

“I mean, no. Not really. But yeah. Everything’s… fine.”

“So which is it?”

“Huh?”

“You’ve contradicted yourself.”

“I know.” Ren sighed again. “No, everything’s… terrible. Really.”

“Understandably so… I’m sure you are probably tired of hearing this by now, but I think it bears repeating once again that I am beyond relieved just to see you alive and mostly well. There was a period where I grew uncertain that our plan would reach fruition… It was… perhaps the deepest sense of fear I have held in quite some time…” Yusuke’s voice was steady, but Ren could sense the emotion behind it. “You are very dear to me, Ren. Your role as my precious friend far outweighs your role as our leader.”

Yusuke had no idea how badly he needed to hear that at that very moment. He always seemed to know exactly what needed to be said in emotional situations, even if his wording tended to be strange to others. Ren just looked across at him and tried to smile. 

“Thanks.”

“Have I said something wrong?” Yusuke looked taken aback and Ren couldn’t imagine why. 

“What? No. Why?”

“You look quite sad… My words were intended to have the opposite effect.” 

“Oh. No, you just… I needed to hear that right now. I’m kind of…” He sat up straighter and crossed his arms on the table, looking down at his coffee. “Sometimes it’s just like… Yeah, I’m Joker and I have all these incredibly important things to be doing, everyone’s expectations on my shoulders, and then I come home and I’m just… Alone, and… If I never put on that mask again, would anyone even bother with me? I’m this stupid kid who can’t stop fucking up everything I touch and when I inevitably fuck up the Joker thing too…” He laughed bitterly. “I could get us all killed for my inability to just _think_.”

Yusuke sat quietly, processing. Ren had known him long enough by now to know that a gap in a one-on-one conversation with him only meant that he was sorting the words out in his head. You had to be patient with him. 

“What exactly do you think you’ve…” Yusuke paused, not wanting to use Ren’s choice of words. “Messed up so badly?”

“I don’t know, like, everything? So much. With Ryuji and Yuuki and-- God, _Akechi_. Everything.” Ren’s voice was starting to sound frantic. He squeezed his eyes shut to try and focus.

“Ren,” Yusuke leaned across the table closer. “You have done so remarkably well given your astonishingly complex situation. I doubt that any one of us could have taken the weight that you have held on your shoulders with such grace. And you do not have to carry everything alone. We are a team. Friends. You may be our leader, but we _will_ support you, just as much as you have supported us.”

Ren took a shaky breath in and squeezed his eyes shut tighter, forcing out tears. Yusuke stayed quiet to let him handle himself and when he opened his eyes and blinked away some more tears, he was just watching him with concern, no judgement. 

“You are only a human being, not some sort of all-powerful, all-knowing deity sent down for the sole purpose of leading the Phantom Thieves to victory. It is not your responsibility, or even within the realm of possibility, to be perfect. I cannot speak for the others, but that has never been something I have personally expected from you.”

Ren lowered his head onto his crossed arms on the table and let out a quiet sob. He hadn’t meant to let himself go quite so badly, but once he had started crying, it felt like a dam had burst inside of him. Throughout this whole ordeal, ever since he found that stupid app on his phone, he had never really let himself break down over it. And now he wasn’t able to stop it. 

He heard Yusuke moving around, and then felt him slide into the booth next to him and wrap an arm around him. He didn’t lift his head up, but let himself be pulled closer to Yusuke’s side. 

“Cry as much as you need to…” Yusuke’s voice was deep and gentle. He rubbed Ren’s back in slow circles. “And to answer your question, if you never put that mask on again, and decided to call it quits, you would still be my closest friend. I would still…” He seemed to be choosing his words carefully. “Love you. Because you would still be deserving of love, regardless of what mistakes you feel you may have made.”

Yusuke was quiet after that, just letting Ren cry it out until he had exhausted himself. He slowly lifted his head up and pulled his glasses off, since they had been rendered useless by all the tears and smudges on them. He rubbed at his eyes and sniffled, suddenly feeling gross. Yusuke pulled his hand away from his back and just watched him.

“Shit, I’m so sorry.” Ren’s voice was thick and broken. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Sorry.” It wasn’t much better.

“No need to apologize. I can only imagine what you must be experiencing emotionally. You have every right to be behaving this way.” Yusuke scooted out of the booth and wandered into the kitchen area. Ren didn’t have the energy to kick him out or make a joke about it being for employees only. He returned with a glass of water and a towel and offered them both to Ren wordlessly. 

Ren dabbed at his eyes and winced in pain at the bruising on his face. Making himself presentable was a lost cause, so he gave up and just sat there looking miserable. Yusuke went back to the other side of the booth. 

“I apologize for prying, but you mentioned, er, messing things up with Ryuji and Mishima. If there is anything I can do to aid in those situations, I would be glad to assist you. I know both of them are quite dear to you.” Yusuke finally took a sip of his coffee. 

“You're not prying.” He sniffled and tried to rub his nose but it just ended up hurting him. “But this is between you and me, okay? I don't really want to involve anyone else in all this, I'm just… mad.” Yusuke set his mug down and focused his gaze on Ren, listening. “Ryuji went all aggro on Yuuki while I was ‘ _dead_ ’ and apparently yelled at him, instead of just, y'know, being vaguely reassuring, like a normal person. Told him he didn't know where I was and to fuck off, basically.”

Yusuke wasn't the most facially expressive person most of the time, but he immediately looked disgusted by this.

“Why on _Earth_ would he do such a thing? That is utterly cruel!”

“Yeah, I… don't know.” Ren drank some water while he thought. “You know… when me and Yuuki first started dating, he told me he felt like Ryuji didn't like him, but I thought it was just his anxiety. I don't think they ever had any problems before. They've known each other for years.” 

Yusuke appeared lost in thought, but then narrowed his eyes.

“This is simply one idea, but is it possible that Ryuji is jealous?” 

“Jealous of what? We hang out _all the time_.” 

“Yes, but perhaps… No, maybe I shouldn't say anything.” He looked away and put a hand to his mouth. 

“Too late. Spill it.” 

“Perhaps the type of attention he desires is not so… platonic.” 

Ren scoffed.

“No, that's not it. He's… Not like that.”

“Are you certain?” 

“Yeah. Pretty sure.” Ren's tone switched to something quieter, sadder. “I didn't… tell anybody else this cuz it was just embarrassing, but… I… had a thing for him, I mean I, maybe I still do, I don't know… I thought he liked me too, so I… kissed him, but… No, he doesn't like guys.” 

“Interesting.”

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing. I had simply assumed otherwise. I had no reason, it was just intuition, I suppose. And intuition can of course be wrong.” 

“I mean I thought otherwise too, that's why I…” 

There was a moment of silence, broken only by Yusuke setting his mug back down a bit too hard.

“I am very sorry to hear that though. I know that you two care deeply for each other. To be betrayed in such a way by someone so close… is truly horrific.”

Betrayed. Right. There had been a lot of that lately. Ren slumped over more, letting his head hang down. He traced a pattern in the condensation on his glass with a finger. 

“Thank you for… not telling me you told me so. About Akechi.” He spoke quieter now. It hurt to even think about, let alone speak out loud.

“I would not do such a thing. It is seldom useful to be boastful in such situations.” 

Sometimes he was glad for Yusuke's bluntness. No beating around the bush with him.

“Another stupid mistake.” 

“It is easy to make mistakes when blinded by your heart's desires. Knowing what we know now, it is possible that Akechi's actions towards you were purposeful. It is not your fault that you believed he was being genuine.” 

And sometimes he wasn't glad for the bluntness at all. That one stuck into his heart like a knife and twisted. He couldn't respond. He couldn't even look up at Yusuke. 

They stayed together for several hours. Ren was still feeling sluggish and his body's physical stamina had been drained down to nearly nothing, forcing him to return to his bed in the early evening. Sojiro came by to check on the shop and make sure Ren had eaten and hadn't been taken away by government spies. He gave him a pat on the head and offered to run out and bring him dinner, but he declined. He had lost his appetite. 

Ryuji texted a few more times and went ignored. 

**Ryuji:** Hey man u ignorin me or somethin?  
**Ryuji:** Or did u pass out all day  
**Ryuji:** Ann said she heard from u earlier so u just bein selective?  
**Ryuji:** And after i played nurse for u and everything, ur so ungrateful lol  
**Ryuji:** Love u bro hope ur gettin some good rest

Ren sighed and set his phone down on his chest. That last one pulled at his already weakened heartstrings and he almost gave in and replied, but then he thought about Mishima, scared and confused and alone, and he couldn't do it. What Ryuji had done was cruel, and until Ren had the energy to fully give him the thrashing he deserved, he couldn't bear to talk to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy I love Yusuke


	5. Chapter 5

Ren never ignored his texts. In all the time they had known each other, Ryuji had always been able to text Ren anytime and get a response, even if it was hours later. But he had never ignored him for two entire days. At first, he was willing to believe Ren was still just drugged up and half-conscious, but then he got it out of Ann that she had gotten a few texts from him no problem. It was just him.

He wasn't sure what he had done wrong. Things had been fine last time he saw him. Even with Ren coming out of his weird drugged state, they had been able to joke around a little. 

They had even slept in the same bed, though he wasn't sure how much of that Ren remembered. During the night, Ren had been real cute and cuddly and Ryuji had nearly died right then and there. He found himself wishing they could always sleep like that, and he quickly tried to rid himself of such thoughts. He didn't need his gay panic right now. Ren had probably just thought he was Mishima anyway.

After two days of no response, he hopped on a train to Yongen after school and showed up at Leblanc unannounced only to find it still closed. He banged on the door, knowing for a fact that Ren could hear from upstairs when someone was at the door. And it wasn't like he wouldn't be home. 

He waited for several minutes and almost gave up and walked down the street to Sojiro's house to get a key from Futaba, but then he heard the door unlocking, and it swung open to reveal Ren's still bruised but much less swollen face. 

“Hey! How you feelin’? You look better.”

Ren tried to shut the door in his face and he caught it just in time with his arm. 

“Hey! Wh-- Ren!” 

“Go away.” 

“Very funny, dude. Lemme in.” He pushed at the door and expected Ren to relent and let go, but he only pushed back harder. Even in his weakened state, Ryuji had trouble overpowering him like this. “What the hell, man? Just open the damn door!” He gave a hard shove and succeeded in getting the door open, but also knocked Ren backwards and into the side of the bar. He hurried in and grabbed him to break his fall.

Ren was dazed for the briefest moment, but then shoved Ryuji away and backed off. God, he looked mad.

“Leave.” Obviously, he wasn't joking.

“What-- what's wrong?” Ryuji scanned Ren's face for any sign of a smile or a laugh, but all he saw was rage. He had seen this look on his face before, but never directed at him. 

“Don't play dumb with me. What the _hell_ is wrong with you?” Ren wasn't raising his voice, and that made his words hit even harder than if he had been yelling.

Ryuji didn't know how to respond. He didn't know why Ren was this pissed off. He tried to step closer to him, but Ren took the same steps back. 

“I don't know what I--”

“Why would you _say_ that shit to him? What's _wrong_ with you?!” 

Oh. This was about Mishima. Great. As soon as it clicked in his mind, he felt a surge of anger in his chest. If Ren was mad, he could be too.

“I wasn't supposed to tell him shit, _remember_? What was I supposed to do, ruin our whole plan and let the effin' Phansite admin go runnin’ his mouth on his stupid website?” 

“That is _not_ the problem!” Now Ren was raising his voice. 

“Then _what_? Ann didn't tell him either! You're not mad at Ann though, cuz you're not ignorin’ her! It's just _my_ fault, right? Dumbass Ryuji can't do anything right!” 

“ _Shut_ up! Just shut _up_!” He was really yelling now and Ryuji winced. “Ann didn't push him around and yell at him and tell him it was _his_ fault I was gone! What the _fuck_ possessed you to do that?! He hasn't done anything to you!” 

Ryuji backed himself up against the door. His heart was pounding. He hated being screamed at, and Ren looked like he might start swinging. He used to be decent in a fight. But now? After having Kamoshida snap his leg in two while hurling verbal abuse at him? He just locked up. 

“ _Answer me, Ryuji_.” Ren stepped closer and Ryuji started looking around for a way to hide. “Do you have any idea how scared he was? Do you know what it's like to see dozens of texts come in on your phone from someone you _love_ begging you to not be _dead_? You wouldn't even let me see him when you were over. You wouldn't get me my phone to let me text him. You _lied_ to me! You told me you told him I was okay! What's _wrong_ with you?!” 

Now that Ren was closer, Ryuji could see that Ren was crying. He hated that. He hated being the cause of this. He covered his head.

“I don't _know_!” He yelled and pressed himself back flatter against the door, breathing shaky. “I know you're mad. I know. Please just stop screaming at me. Please. I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry.” His voice came out small and weak. 

“Get out.” Ryuji didn't move. He couldn't. “I don't want to see you right now.” Ren wasn't yelling anymore, but his voice still shook with anger. 

“Renren…” he slowly relaxed his posture and stood up straighter. “I wanna talk. Please.”

“I don't. Leave.” 

“I'm sorry.”

“Get out, Sakamoto.”

That one stung. 

He shook his head and took a deep breath and turned around to open the door. Ren pushed it shut behind him before he was even fully out and he tripped out onto the curb. 

He had to duck into a convenience store bathroom on the way to the train station just to calm his breathing and splash some water on his face. He had to stop shaking. If he went home like this, his mom would bombard him with questions. It would be easy to say he had a fight with a friend, but he wouldn't be able to give her any details and he knew she cared and would want to know what was bothering her only son so much. 

He bought himself a tea at a vending machine and sat down on the floor of the train station, leaning back against the wall. He was at a loss. He knew he had monumentally, colossally messed up. He had broken all of Ren's trust in one stupid moment of petty anger. He should've been nice. He should've been a decent person. Mishima hadn't deserved that.

He took out his phone and started typing.

> _Hey, I understand if u don't want to talk to me. That's fine and u don't gotta respond or nothin. But I wanted to apologize to u. I was a real asshole to u and I don't have an excuse. I shouldve told u Ren was ok. I'm sorry. I'm really seriously sorry. It wasn't ur fault and u were just scared and I'm a piece of shit and_

He sighed and deleted it. He should do it in person. A text wasn't as sincere. But he also probably didn't have the balls to face Mishima again now. He was a coward. He had always been a coward.

He thought he had changed, but he was still the same stupid, hot-headed, coward he was in middle school. 

He sat there on the floor for a long time, not even opening his tea. The first train back home came and went and he still didn't move. He just needed to wallow for a while. Then he would go home and help his mom with dinner and pretend everything was fine.

A few weeks went by and the Phantom Thieves were busy. Ren's injuries recovered enough for him to get back to being Joker just in time to infiltrate Masayoshi Shido's palace.

He never looked at Ryuji. Not even a glance. And it hurt.

Ryuji tried to clap a hand on his shoulder in congratulations after fighting a particularly difficult Shadow, but Ren immediately shrugged him off and walked away to talk to Yusuke, as if Ryuji didn't even exist. 

He would see him at school, smiling, holding hands with Mishima, or laughing with Ann, and he’d get that same twisting feeling in his gut he got months ago. Only now it was coupled with guilt for trying, in a moment of vast stupidity, to throw a wrench into things. Had he really thought that being a dick to Mishima would improve his chances of getting with Ren? How stupid was he exactly? And when had he accepted that he even wanted to be with Ren anyway? A crush was one thing, and he had slowly accepted that maybe he did have those kinds of feelings for him, but dating him, being his _boyfriend_ was another entirely. That required getting rid of Mishima, and he knew he wasn’t capable of that. He’d had his chance with Ren and he had blown it. And he hadn’t stopped blowing it since.

There had to be a way past this. He just didn't know how.

* * *

Shido's palace served as a nice distraction from Ren's hellish life. As long as he was coming up with tactical plans, fighting Shadows, and playing his role as leader, he didn't have to think about other things. When he was Joker, that was all that mattered. Ren Amamiya ceased to exist for those few hours. 

He felt good. He felt like things would finally come to an end. Once Shido was taken care of, this could all stop. No more putting his life on the line, no more being a wanted criminal, no more Phantom Thieves. He would be a hero and he would be able to live peacefully. 

But things were never quite that simple. 

If he thought the interrogation was the worst day of his life, his life had only been waiting to prove him wrong.

Akechi was there, watching them. And he was angry. 

All the cracks Ren had seen in his facade suddenly burst at once and what they had before them was a broken shell of a human being, crying out for love he didn't know how to accept. Ren tried everything he could think of. He knew everyone else did too. It all happened so fast and his mind was a blur, and then the bunker door was closing and Akechi was begging him through the wall to stop Shido and there were gunshots and--

Ren let himself slide down the door and onto the ground, shaking and sobbing, curled over. He was in hysterics and no amount of comfort from anyone there with him helped. Yusuke and Ann had to finally take his arms and force him to stand up and get out of the palace. He didn't want to leave Akechi there. He struggled against their hands, but they held onto him tight. 

Somehow, he got home. He was in his bed and it was dark. Morgana was lying curled up at his side, eyes shut. Nothing felt real. 

He felt for his phone and checked the time. It was near midnight. He must have fallen asleep after coming home. He had a few texts, all from friends telling him they cared for him and would be there if he needed to talk. He started to text Ryuji just from muscle memory, but stopped himself. He would just go back to sleep.

He _had_ to gather himself to send the calling card and then go back into the palace to seal the deal. He felt numb. He let Joker take over and relied on his strength just to get through all of it.

Akechi needed him to.

And the punches just wouldn't stop coming.

Ryuji touched his shoulder before running off to get them a lifeboat. For the first time in weeks, he didn't have it in him to recoil. He just stood there, tense, and watched Ryuji make a mad dash for their safety. It didn't occur to him until they were in the raft what was happening. 

_Oh God._

__

__

_No, no, no, not again._

He couldn't lose anyone else. He started to try and jump off the raft and swim to him but Ann grabbed his arm and held him there. She clung to his sleeve, eyes squeezed shut. She was scared too. 

He saw Ryuji smile at him from across the water before he felt the blast.

And then they were all back outside the Diet Building. No Ryuji in sight.

He could hear the others talking, but it was all jumbled. Where was Ryuji? His legs gave out under him and he almost collapsed before Yusuke caught him and put an arm around him to steady him. Everyone was crying.

And then he heard Ryuji's voice. There was a lot of yelling. He heard a slap. And then he was left there standing alone, Ryuji kneeling on the ground holding his cheek where Ann had hit him.

Ren stumbled over and was on him immediately, clinging to him and knocking them both over. Ryuji cried out but then put his arms around him in return and held him close.

“Hey, hey. S’okay. I'm here, I'm okay. I'm alive, man. You don't gotta cry…” 

But Ren was already a sobbing, gasping mess, face pressed against Ryuji's neck and hands gripping the back of his shirt like he was going to tear into it. 

He heard Ryuji sniffle and felt him press his face into his hair. 

They sat like that, just clinging to each other and crying, for several minutes. Ren was sure some passersby gave them weird looks, but he couldn't care. He had lost one person this week and a second close-call had been too much. He couldn't lose Ryuji. Never.

“Renren…” Ryuji nuzzled his head and then pulled back just a little, just enough for them to look at each other. “I, uh…” He rubbed at an eye and sniffled a few times. Ren was still openly sobbing and showed no signs of stopping. “Hey… c'mon. Let's at least go back to Leblanc, okay? People are startin’ to stare, they're gonna think I hit you or somethin’...” 

Ryuji stood and offered a hand to help Ren up. He took it and as soon as they started walking, he grabbed his hand again and held it all the way back. They walked in silence besides Ren's sniffling and shaky breathing. Ryuji kept rubbing his hand with his thumb. 

Sojiro took one look at what a mess they both were when they walked in and just shook his head and let them go upstairs without a word. 

As soon as the door shut, Ren threw his arms around Ryuji again and held him tight against himself. 

All the anger he had felt for weeks now had dissolved into the deep fear of loss he felt permeating every inch of his body. His brain just kept repeating _no more, no more_ on a loop. He needed to hold on to Ryuji to remind himself he was there, he was real and alive, he could hear his breathing and his heartbeat. He could feel his arms around him, his hands on his back. 

“ _R'ooji_ …” his voice was muffled into Ryuji's shoulder and melted into a weak sob. 

“I'm here.” He brushed Ren's hair back and there was a pause before he kissed his head. 

Ren pulled back in surprise just enough to look at his face. And then he started crying even harder again. 

“Renren, _c'mon_ , man.” Ryuji sounded just a touch exasperated. “It was just a forehead kiss, did you hate it _that_ much? Want me to kiss your lips next time?” 

“Yeah?” He meant for it to sound like just as much of a joke, but his voice was too shaky and weak for it to come across that way. 

Ryuji's eyes narrowed at that, and he glanced around nervously. He guided Ren over to sit down on the bed and Ren immediately leaned into him. He couldn't let him go, not for a second, if it meant there was a chance he would lose him.

“I'm not goin’ anywhere. I… got real scared up there though. I kept thinkin’ about you, and my mom, and… how you weren't talkin’ to me and… I'm so sorry. I am _so_ , so sorry. And I'm gonna get off my stupid ass and apologize to Mishima too. I shoulda done that already, I'm just too much of a coward and I convinced myself it was too late and it didn't matter. That you'd hate me forever anyway. And I'd deserve that.” 

Ren sat up straighter and stopped leaning on him, opting to reach for his hand instead. Ryuji let him take it. 

“I could never _hate_ you. I was just _mad_. Bad shit just keeps happening to me, and it was Akechi using me like that, and getting the shit beat out of me, and then you lying to me, and I couldn't take it. And now he's… _gone_ ,” his voice cracked. “And you… I almost lost you too, and I can't keep doing this. I can't. I can't.” 

He took some deep shaky breaths and held onto Ryuji's hand tighter. 

“You ain't losin’ me. Not in a million years. I'll be right here with you holdin’ your hand when we're old and grey and wreckin’ the old folks home.” He grinned and met Ren's gaze.

Ren couldn't help but smile back, even if it was just a small one. 

And then Ryuji spoke again.

“I love you.” He sounded serious, determined. “Like, I… I was thinkin’ up there, all these thoughts runnin’ through my head so fast, and I kept coming back to just… God, I'm not gonna make it, I'm really not gonna make it, and I never… I… Ren, I… This is so not how I imagined this goin’, but I think I… like? Guys? I like one guy, I… you. I like you. Like that. Really bad. Like, so bad.” His face was burning red and he couldn't keep his eyes on Ren, but he was smiling. He seemed sincere, if embarrassed. “I know it doesn't matter, I know you're with Mishima and you love him, but I couldn't _stand_ the thought that I was just gonna die, and I never got over myself enough to tell you and be honest.” 

Ren sat silently for what felt like way too long, and he watched Ryuji start fidgeting nervously while he waited for a response. 

Ren started laughing. 

It was quiet and he was still crying through it, but it was like a weight had been lifted suddenly. All that time fretting over messing up with Ryuji by kissing him, thinking he liked him, getting his feelings hurt over the rejection, only for him to have been right in the first place was the funniest thing he had experienced in months. 

“Wh-- hey, man! What the hell is so funny about that?” Despite his words, Ryuji was grinning and he shoved at Ren gently. “I’ve been havin’ this stupid ass gay panic over you and you think it’s _funny_?” 

Ren nodded and kept laughing. He pulled Ryuji closer and hugged him again, face to his neck, trying to calm himself down and be a little more serious. Ryuji kissed his head again and held him there. 

“You’re losin’ it. I think we need to take you to get your head examined.” 

“Maybe.” Ren finally took a deep breath and managed to stop laughing, realizing he had stopped crying too. He lifted his head and their faces were close enough that he could feel Ryuji’s breath.

Ryuji’s smile faded, like he was focusing, eyes searching Ren’s face. He leaned into a kiss, but Ren turned his head at the last second, just barely pushing at his chest. 

“What…?” Ryuji’s voice was low and quiet and his eyes were half-open.

“Apologize to Yuuki.” 

“I-- yeah. I will, yeah. I promise. In person ‘n everything.” 

“Okay.” Ren released him and sat back, looking at his own lap now. He realized his heart was pounding and he was so, so tired. 

“Are we okay?” 

“Yeah. I’m just… tired. It’s been a bad week. Month. Year... Life.” He laid back on his bed, feet still on the floor and arms crossed over his face to block out the light. 

“I hear ya.” Ryuji flopped back next to him. “Man, I… I’m sorry. About Akechi… I know you really liked him, he was your friend and--”

“Stop.”

“Shit. Yeah, sorry. You probably don’t wanna talk about that.”

“He kissed me.”

“What?! For real?” Ryuji propped himself up on elbow to look at Ren closer. 

Ren just hummed and barely moved an arm to look at him. 

“So you guys were like… shit… Ren…” Ryuji looked hurt for him now. “Does… Does Mishima know?” Ren shook his head. “Secret’s safe with me, but dude… Damn.” He reached a hand over and stroked Ren’s hair out of his face. “I’m sorry.” 

Ren shut his eyes at the contact and nearly fell asleep until Ryuji shifted and sat up. He opened one eye and watched him stretch his arms above his head. 

“We should both get some sleep. I’m gonna head home. I’ll talk to Mishima tomorrow, cross my heart. You get some rest.” He reached back and ruffled Ren’s hair one more time, then got up and left.

* * *

Ryuji was all nerves after school. He ran out of his classroom as fast as he could and waited in front of Ren and Mishima’s, leaning against the wall and trying to look casual. The two emerged together after a few minutes, and he reached out and grabbed Mishima’s shoulder to get his attention.

Mishima shrieked and instantly pulled away and up against Ren, eyes wide in horror. Shit, he forgot about the whole traumatic physical abuse thing. 

“Hey, man, it’s just me. I’m not gonna hurt you or nothin’.” He held both of his hands up in surrender while Mishima slowly relaxed and Ren rubbed his shoulder. “D’you wanna, uh, get somethin’ to eat? Just you and me? Dump this loser.” He nodded at Ren, smiling. 

Mishima looked at Ren like he was asking permission. What was Ren, his dad? He felt a surge of annoyance and forced it back down. He needed to be nice. 

“Go ahead. I’ll see you later.” Ren gave Mishima a quick side hug and then walked away, jogging to catch up to Ann down the hall. 

That left them alone together.

“What is… this about?” Mishima wouldn’t look at him. He didn’t really blame him. 

“It’s not about nothin’, I just…. I kinda owe you. For bein’ a dick.” He ran a hand through his own hair, looking off to the side. “I’m sorry.” 

“Um… thank you.” Mishima shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He was always so nervous. What did Ren see in someone like that? 

“You don’t have to go anywhere with me if you don’t wanna, I just thought it’d be nice for us to… get along. And I could make it up to you, or somethin’... Buy you some ramen or whatever. If you like ramen. Doesn’t have to be ramen.”

“I like ramen.” 

“You wanna get ramen? My treat.” He forced himself to look at him and smile. Mishima still wouldn’t look at him, but he gave him a small smile back anyway and nodded.

Ryuji didn’t feel like trekking all the way out to his usual spot, so they settled for something closer to school. He figured an apology and a meal was enough, he didn’t need to go all out over this. He told Mishima he could get whatever he wanted, not to worry about the cost, but he still ordered something basic. Maybe he felt too embarrassed. Ryuji just got his usual order.

They sat quietly while they waited for their food to arrive, and things felt awkward. Ryuji started to regret asking Mishima to come somewhere with him. All he had really needed to do was apologize, right? Ren didn’t expect him to make a big show of things. And yet, here he was, taking his best friend’s boyfriend out for dinner. 

He couldn’t take the silence anymore and sighed.

“Hey, look, I really am sorry. I owe you a huge apology. I know there’s nothin’ I can really say that’s gonna undo that shit, but I feel _bad_. I was just… stressed out and pissed off and it had nothin’ to do with you. You were just... “ His chest ached at the thought of what he was about to say, but he couldn’t think of a better way to put it. “You were an easy target. And that just makes me one of the bad guys, no better than… you know who. I’m sorry.” 

Mishima was just staring down at the table. He barely nodded.

“That’s just kind of how it is for me. It’s not a big deal. I’m not mad at you, Sakamoto.”

“What? You should be. At least a little.”

“No, you’re just… you’re right. I _am_ an easy target. It’s easy for people to single me out and take their anger out on me. I thought I was getting better about standing up for myself, but…” He shrugged sadly and shook his head. “Anyway, it’s not your fault.”

“What? Like hell it’s not my fault! You were scared and I was a huge asshole to you just cuz I was mad that you--” He cut himself off immediately and just stared at Mishima. He couldn’t say that to him. _Hey, sorry I was a jerk to you, I was just mad because I’m in love with your boyfriend_. “I was just mad. And you were there.” 

“You were mad that I what?” God, nothing got past him.

“Nothin’... I was mad that you were buggin’ me when I was stressed out, that’s all. You deserved to know what was goin’ on and I shouldn’t have yelled. If it were me, I would’ve been actin’ the same as you. Hell, I knew what was goin’ on and I still… I had to leave school early and go home and just cry like a baby. If I thought I lost Ren, I… would’ve been in a lot worse shape than you were. You’re strong.” 

“I’m not. But thanks.”

“You are! You… you put up with all that shit on the volleyball team and you’re still kickin’ and tryin’ to do better and _help people_. You coulda just given up and got bitter and mad, but you’re so… you’re always so _nice_. You’re bein’ nice to me and tryin’ to tell me it’s not my fault I treated you like dirt. You could be screamin’ at me right now, you could’ve told me _I don’t want your ramen, Sakamoto, go eat shit asshole_ and I would’ve accepted it.”

Mishima smiled down at his lap.

“I wouldn’t say that to you.” 

“Yeah! That’s the point! Cuz you’re better than that. You’re nice and you’re strong enough to take on all the shit people give you and just keep goin’. You’re a nicer guy than me, that’s for sure. I mean, I try, but, well.” He gestured at Mishima. “I don’t always get there.”

“You got there. You just needed some time.”

“I… yeah. I guess so. Thanks.” 

Their food arrived and they ate in silence for a while. Mishima ate slowly, like he wasn’t used to this sort of thing. It was amusing to watch. Ryuji could live off of ramen, so whenever he saw someone like Yusuke or Mishima, who weren’t accustomed to it, try to eat it, it was always a trip. Mishima caught him looking at him over his own chopsticks.

“What?”

“You don’t eat ramen a lot, huh?”

“I mean… No, not a lot. Why? Am I doing something wrong?”

“Nah, you can’t really eat ramen wrong… Unless you’re Yusuke, I guess, but you’re just bein’ real deliberate about it. It’s, uh, it’s cute.” Mishima’s face went pink and he stared down at his bowl. “I didn’t mean to embarrass ya. You’re okay, man.” 

Mishima was still and quiet for a minute, but slowly started eating again. By the time Ryuji finished his food, Mishima was still about half-way done, and it left Ryuji to sit there on his phone, scrolling.

“Um, thank you for… For taking me out like this. You didn’t have to.” Mishima nudged his bowl away from him, apparently done eating. 

“Yeah, but I wanted to. You’re important to Ren, so… I guess by proxy you’re important to me, y’know?” 

“You’re important to Ren too, so… We can be important to each other?” He smiled weakly. 

“Yeah… Yeah, sure. I know I’ve been weird about it in the past, but… I don’t mind if we all hang out sometimes. Long as you two aren’t all over each other. Bein’ the third wheel’s no fun.” 

Ryuji footed the bill and they went their separate ways. He did feel better having apologized and talked things out. He didn’t feel like there was a dead weight sitting on his chest anymore nagging at him. And Ren would be happy.

He hadn’t really talked to Ren since his embarrassing confession, but he thought things had gone well enough. Ren hadn’t outright rejected him or pushed him away. He just laughed at him and, sure he rejected his kiss, but it was probably just because he was still rightfully mad about Mishima. He didn’t expect Ren to just drop his boyfriend and be with him instead. He didn’t know what he _did_ expect. 

Fighting himself on his own feelings and, God, his _identity_ , for months had left him emotionally worn out. On top of that, it had really just been a horrible week. If it was this bad for him, he could only imagine what Ren was going through. He had known Ren and Akechi were sort of buddy-buddy before the whole selling them out to the cops thing, but he hadn’t known it went deeper than that. 

He kind of felt bad for Mishima.

Nobody was going to measure up to the effin _Detective Prince_ , especially not someone as plain and unobtrusive as Mishima. There was no way to compete with that. If Ren had feelings for Akechi… If he had kissed him… It was no wonder he hadn’t told Mishima. That would break his heart. He didn’t think Ren was capable of doing something like this. The guy was totally selfless. Having some sort of weird affair with the enemy didn’t seem like him. Especially when he seemed so happy with Mishima. 

He had always been so touchy with Ryuji too. 

Maybe things weren’t going as well as it seemed like they were for them. He hated that that thought sparked a sort of hope in him. How cruel could he be, hoping his best friend was having relationship trouble just so he could swoop in and take him for himself? He had just finished apologizing to Mishima for acting out on his jealousy, and he was right back to the same old shit. 

It was selfish and this wasn't the time for it. Ren was hurting, seriously hurting, and Ryuji stirring up drama and trying to get in between him and the one person who probably made him feel better wasn't going to make things easier for anybody, except maybe himself. He had to drop it. 

He told Ren how he felt and now he needed to drop it and get on with his life. That was all there was to it. No more pining. No more being a jerk to Mishima. No more gay panic keeping him up until way past his bedtime playing out ridiculous hypotheticals in his head. Just let it go. Let Ren and Mishima be happy together. 

He just didn't want to. 

* * *

They still had a few weeks until the big vote for Prime Minister, and the time in between taking down a palace and their prior deadline was always tense and full of anxiety. Ren was feeling worse every day. He expected time to make him feel _better_ , but every day that passed was another day knowing that Akechi was gone, never coming back, and he felt like it was his fault. He hadn't been able to save him.

If they had just known sooner how much pain he was in…

He had to stop himself from thinking directly about it. He needed constant distractions. Mishima was busy trying to do his one-man damage control on the Phansite now that everything was and had been in chaos, and he could barely spare a hand for Ren to hold. He would still sit with him, but getting responses out of him that were longer than one distracted word was out of the question. Ren wanted to let him work. He knew the Phansite was important, especially right now, but he also wanted comfort. He wanted his boyfriend to hold him and tell him he loved him and that nothing was his fault and it would all be okay soon. 

His mind wandered to Ryuji instead. He knew Ryuji would do all of that, gladly, without a second thought. But knowing how Ryuji felt about him, would that be taking advantage of his feelings? Before, they had just been physically affectionate friends, but having mutual feelings for each other and knowing it made things complicated. Wasn't your crush liking you back supposed to make things easier? Apparently not.

He watched Mishima typing away on his laptop, eyes focused and unblinking. Did he still like Mishima even knowing that he had a chance with Ryuji? Yes, of course. There was no question about it. His feelings hadn't lessened, even at times like this when he wished he could just rip the laptop out of his hands and toss it. 

He scooted over and put his arms around him, settling in behind him on the bed and resting his chin against him to watch over his shoulder. Mishima barely leaned back into him, not taking his eyes off the screen or pausing his typing.

“Yuuki?” Ren's voice was right by his ear and he felt him shiver, but he only got a hum in response. “Babe?”

“Mhm?” Still no direct attention. 

“Can we talk?” No response. 

“Hey.” Still nothing.

He pushed a hand up under Mishima's shirt and pressed his cold palm flat against his stomach. That got him.

Mishima squeaked in surprise and tried to rip Ren's hand away from him. At least it got his hands off the keys.

“S-s-stop! You're so cold!”

Ren let his hand be pulled away and kissed his shoulder as an apology.

“Can you take a break for me? Cuz you love me?” 

“I…” Mishima's eyes strayed back to the screen and his hands hovered over the keyboard. Ren kept pressing little kisses to his shoulder and head. “Yeah. I guess. Not for long, though.” He typed one more line and then shut his laptop and leaned back into Ren properly. Ren squeezed him.

“Can we talk about something?” Ren rested his chin on top of his head.

“Yeah, of course. You can talk to me about anything.” He took one of Ren's hands and held it against his own stomach, over his shirt this time. 

“It's… you know how I mentioned an open relationship? A while ago?” Mishima hummed but didn't sound happy. “I, uh, know this timing is horrible. With everything going on, but it's just… eating at me a little, and… I have… feelings for someone. And he has feelings for me too. And, uh--”

“Sakamoto.” 

“I-- uh, yeah. How… how did you know that?” 

“When you first told me you liked me, I told you I thought you two were together already. You just kind of fit. I guess.” He loosened his grip on Ren's hand but Ren tightened his own to compensate. “I guess that's why he took me out the other day. To try and butter me up for this.” He succeeded in pulling his hand away.

“What…? No, he just wanted to apologize to you. Ryuji does a lot of dumb shit without thinking about it and then he beats himself up for it and apologizes. That's just how he is. And he usually makes a big show of it because he feels like the more he goes out of his own way the more it counts. It was just his weird way of apologizing.” He kissed his head. “He was totally embarrassed after and worried you thought he was weird.” 

“I mean, he is. Kind of. But he's your best friend, so…” 

“And that's all he has to be, if it makes you uncomfortable.”

“Who am I to stand in the way of that? You two were practically made for each other.” He wriggled his way out of Ren's grip and hugged his knees. “I'm just some guy you took pity on until something better came along.” 

“Yuuki…” Ren sat up and put a hand on his back but got shrugged off. “Is that what you think? That this is pity?” Mishima had his face hidden in his arms now, but Ren saw him nod. “This is not and has never been _pity_. I _love_ you.”

Mishima just shook his head and Ren leaned in closer to him again to hug him tightly. They just sat quietly like that for a few minutes until Mishima relaxed and leaned back against him closer. 

“Sorry. I… I know you love me, I’m just… I’ve always been replaceable, what makes this any different? If I get used to this and let myself get blindsided by you moving on, then I just played myself.”

“I’m not moving on. Nothing to be blindsided by.” Ren nuzzled against his shoulder, urging him to relax more against him. “And I couldn't replace you if I tried. You said yourself there are things only you can do.” 

“Y-yeah, but I wasn't talking about _this_. I just meant with… with the Phansite and… stuff like that.” 

“Applies here too. To being unique and smart and talented and sweet and kind, and I can keep going on if you want me to.”

“Maybe.” Mishima's face flushed and he hid his face in his arms again. 

“And strong and caring and loyal and passionate and determined and sympathetic and cute and handsome and soft and warm and--”

“Okay, okay, okay, okay-- Stop, I get it.” What Ren could see of his face was bright pink now. 

“And you get flustered super easily and blush all over every time I say something nice about you.” 

“ _Ren_!” He sounded exasperated and turned to press his face into Ren's shoulder instead. “I get it. You've made your point.” 

“Good.” He kissed the top of Mishima's head. “Now let me make another one. My feelings for Ryuji do _not_ impact all of those feelings for you. And if you want me to just be with you, then I will. Ryuji and I will both get over it.”

Mishima was quiet while he thought.

“That's not…Fair though. To just expect you to get over your feelings like that. Especially if you… say they don't affect each other. I just… wanna think about it for a while.”

“Okay. Take your time.” Ren pulled him so he was forced to turn around and face him, making their embrace into a proper hug. “No matter what you decide on, I'll still love you. Not going anywhere.”

Ren got a text late that night.

> **Mishima** : If it’s Sakamoto I think it might be ok  
>  **Ren** : Are you sure?  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah. I think so. He’s a nice guy and he means a lot to you  
>  **Ren:** I’ll talk to him. If things get uncomfortable, just let me know, ok?  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah  
>  **Ren:** Love you.  
>  **Mishima:** Love you too

He fell asleep happy, if nervous.


	6. Chapter 6

The weeks passed with everyone feeling tense. Nothing seemed to go according to plan anymore. 

Not with Shido's election, not with Mementos, not with Ren's second and hopefully last run-in with the police. He was locked away. He was terrified again. He tried to let his Joker personality take over as much as he could just to stay sane cooped up in isolation, but he couldn't ever shake the fear that this was it.

Sae visited frequently and promised she and others were working on getting his name cleared, but he only half believed it. 

But then he got to go home. He was shaken up and exhausted, but he was home. Futaba was waiting there and threw her arms around him the second he walked in the door. Sojiro waited for her to remove herself and then gave him a quick hug as well, welcoming him home. 

He was dazed.

He needed to rest.

He texted his friends to all please hold off on the welcoming party until the next day. He hadn't bothered to look at the date. If he had, he would have seen that it was February 13th. 

He got a text from Mishima around midnight. 

> **Mishima:** How does this work if we’re both guys?  
>  **Ren:** What?  
>  **Mishima:** It’s Valentine’s Day  
>  **Ren:** Oh.  
>  **Mishima:** You forgot? That’s ok, you’re dealing with a lot. We don’t have to do anything  
>  **Ren:** Yeah, I’m kind of beat. What with prison and all.  
>  **Mishima:** You don’t have to make a joke. I know you’re tired  
>  **Mishima:** I’ll see you when you feel up to it. Love you so much. So glad you’re ok  
>  **Ren:** Love you.

He still felt half-asleep when he woke up in the morning. He got dressed and dragged himself downstairs only to see Ryuji seated at a booth on his phone. He jumped up when he saw Ren and practically lifted him up off his feet in a hug. 

“ _Renren_! I missed you, man.” He held him at arm's length and studied his face. “Handsome as ever. I kinda expected you to be a walkin’ skeleton by now.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I missed you too.” He leaned back in and put his chin on Ryuji's shoulder. He felt good. Warm. He suddenly realized how touch-starved he was. Ryuji tried to pull back but Ren kept him there. “Just a second.” 

“Clingy.” Ryuji squeezed him tighter.

“Okay, break it up or go upstairs.” Sojiro chided them from the bar. 

“There's no customers.” Ren sighed, but let Ryuji go anyway. 

Ryuji kept an arm around his waist and pulled him over to a booth but he pulled himself away to go behind the bar and try to make coffee. Sojiro nudged him away. 

“Go see your friend. Catch up. Let me worry about all this.” He put a hand on Ren's shoulder and steered him out of the small kitchen.

“Thanks, Dad.” Ren grinned through a yawn while Sojiro mumbled not to call him that and started working on making him some food and caffeine.

“He loves it.” Ren muttered to Ryuji as he slid into the booth. He propped his chin on his hand and smiled across at Ryuji. They just sat staring at each other and trying not to laugh until Sojiro slid a mug of coffee to each of them and interrupted their stupid staring contest.

“Man, I missed you. Seriously. They kept tellin’ us no visitors and shit and it just… sucked.” He took a sip of his coffee and then recoiled when he realized it was too hot. “Not as much as it sucked for you though, I'm sure.” 

“Yeah, I don't really… wanna talk about it.” 

“Yeah, I bet. Sorry. You wanna go do somethin’ today, or you just wanna rest? Everyone else is dyin’ to see you. I didn't tell anyone I was comin’ over here or they all woulda tagged along.”

“I was just planning on being lazy. I should probably see Yuuki at some point. He said it wasn't a big deal but I know he's probably having a fit. Did you see him at all while I was gone?” 

“Oh, yeah. We actually hung out a few times. Got some food. Saw a movie once but he's a huge chicken about scary shit.”

“Uh, so are you.”

“ _And_?! The point is your boyfriend was very well taken care of by yours truly. You know he's actually really good at fighting games? Kicked my ass like every time.” 

“I did know that, yeah.” Ren smirked and sipped his coffee. 

“Oh yeah, you probably know everything about him, huh?”

“Not everything. I'm sure he has his secrets. I do know he's super into that one manga you kept trying to get me to read. The one about hunting or whatever.” 

“Wait, for real?! We hung out in my room, why didn't he mention it when he saw my bookshelf?!” Ryuji looked way too excited over a manga, but it wasn't the first time. 

Ren just shrugged.

“He's shy. Ask him about it and he probably won't shut up. He gets real cute about his interests if someone asks. Same as you.” 

Ryuji hid his face behind his mug, looking like he was trying to think of a comeback for that. His efforts were interrupted by Sojiro setting down curry in front of both of them. 

Ren just sort of pushed his food around. He knew he should be hungry, but his appetite hadn’t quite returned with the stress of being moved back home and trying to very quickly unpack everything that had just happened to him. Ryuji, on the other hand, seemed like he may not have eaten in days. But he always ate like that.

“You gotta eat, man. Bulk back up and get ripped for Mishima.” Ryuji pointed his spoon at Ren before continuing to inhale his food.

“I don’t think he really cares about that.” Ren smiled and finally took a few bites.

“Well, I dunno what he likes in a guy. But you still gotta eat.” 

Ren groaned at his nagging, but managed to get most of his food down. A few customers trickled in and he and Ryuji relocated upstairs. His room was much the same as he had left it. Nobody had really come up there while he was gone, so it was a little dusty. He climbed over his bed to open the window and Ryuji flopped down like he owned the bed himself.

Ren nudged him over with his leg and laid down on his stomach next to him, head turned to the side to look at him. Their faces were close. 

“Hey,” Ryuji put a hand to his hair and moved it out of his eyes for him, like he always did. “Your hair’s gettin’ long. Kinda thought you were gonna come back buzzed.” 

Ren shut his eyes, relaxing at the contact. 

“Would you still like me?” 

“What, if you cut your hair off?”

“Mhm…”

“For real? Course I would. You might look good, I dunno. Some guys can pull that off. You’re cute like this though. Fluffy.” 

Ren was surprised at how readily they fell back into this sort of closeness. Two months away, spent alone and scared, and he came back to Ryuji wanting his hands all over him, calling him cute. He desperately needed more. He felt starved for affection, touch, anything. He tried to shift closer and Ryuji had to move his arm, but let him settle against his chest before putting his arm back down on his side. 

“You okay…?” Ryuji rubbed his side with his thumb. He sounded anxious. Despite how much they had hugged and touched, they had never actually purposely cuddled with each other. This was new territory, but Ren needed it too bad to be worried about it. He took a deep breath and settled his head into the crook of Ryuji’s neck. He heard Ryuji’s breath catch. 

“I just, uh… I’ve been… lonely. Don’t make me explain more.”

“Nah, c’mon, I wanna hear it.”

Ren didn’t respond and just put an arm around Ryuji’s neck to pull himself closer. Ryuji moved his arm from Ren’s side to hold his back and rested his face against his hair. He didn’t press Ren anymore, figuring if his playful nagging didn’t get him anywhere then Ren must have been serious about not wanting to explain. 

They stayed like that for a while. Ren felt calmed by Ryuji’s heartbeat and his breathing. He felt safe for the first time in months. The thought made him suddenly cling to him tighter. 

“Hey, Renren?” Ryuji shifted a little and Ren loosened his grip and tilted his head up to look at him. “You doin’ okay?”

“Yeah… Thanks. I just… needed to be held, I guess…” He buried his face again.

“Any time…” Ryuji smoothed his hair back and then pressed a kiss to his head, and Ren felt a wave of warmth flood his whole body. 

He had missed Ryuji so, so bad, but he hadn't even been thinking about little acts of intimacy like this. He hadn't been thinking about his huge crush on him. And now it had all come flooding back. He hadn't even seen his actual boyfriend yet and he was already overcome by this sort of emotion. He was a mess. 

They hung out like that quietly for a long time. Ren dozed off a few times and at some point Ryuji took his glasses off for him. When he finally fully roused himself, he had turned over and he realized they were spooning. Ryuji was asleep with his face in Ren's hair and an arm wrapped loosely around him. Ren barely moved to try and get to his phone and Ryuji pulled him in closer. He tried to gently move Ryuji's arm off of him, but his touch woke him up. 

Ryuji slowly lifted his head and sighed. And then he realized how they were positioned and he scooted back a little. Ren didn't really blame him. It was a pretty intimate position for friends to be in. Not that he minded, but he was aware enough to realize it might be weird. He was finally able to get his phone out of his pocket and check his messages while Ryuji rolled over onto his back and stretched. 

Everyone was trying to compete for his time, and all he wanted to do was stay in bed. Preferably with a boy or two. He knew he had to see Mishima. And he wanted to. He also knew they were just going to end up doing the same thing he and Ryuji had just spent hours doing if he had any say in it. 

Ryuji sat up next to him and handed him his glasses. 

“You feelin’ better?” 

“A little. I gotta see Yuuki so I need to wake up.” Ren rubbed an eye and then put his glasses back on. “It's Valentine's day, so… I don't know what that means.” 

Ryuji suddenly sat up straighter and started feeling around for the bag he had brought with him. He found it on the floor by the bed and started digging through it.

“Shit, I completely forgot.” He pulled a small package out and offered it up to Ren. It looked handmade. “I know Valentine's is for girls, but I was helpin’ my mom make 'em for her friends, so… I thought you might want some. I don't gotta girl to be givin’ gifts to anyway… Kinda sucks for us single guys.” 

Ren chose to ignore that they had just been cuddling minutes prior, making Ryuji's statement about being a single guy halfway false. Instead, he sat up and untied the ribbon on the package. Inside were a handful of small homemade chocolates. 

They looked _good_.

“You _made_ these?” Ren looked up at Ryuji, who was beaming. “ _You_ made these?” 

“Hey, don't say it like that! Yeah, I made 'em. I can make shit. I make dinner for me and my mom all the time.” His smile disappeared and now he just looked defensive. “They're good too. Promise.” 

“You ate some? I thought they were for your mom's friends.” Ren picked one up and inspected it before putting it in his mouth. It _was_ good. 

“Well yeah, but you gotta taste stuff when you're baking. Good, huh?” His smile was back. He looked like he wanted praise. Ren gave in and gave it to him.

“Really good. If I knew you could bake, I would've been asking you for stuff ages ago.” Ren's smile softened and he touched Ryuji's shoulder. “Thanks…” 

“Course… Consider it a welcome back gift. Doesn't have to be a Valentine's thing. If that's too mushy or… weird. You can give some to Mishima too, if they last that long.” Ren already had a third chocolate in his mouth and he quickly closed the package and put it aside. Ryuji laughed. 

“Speaking of Yuuki, I should probably try and see him soon. I didn't mean to fall asleep on you so long…” Ren ran a hand through his hair and tried to fix it, but Ryuji reached over and fixed it for him as well as he could.

“Yeah, I got a hot date with my TV. Gonna watch the hell outta some Netflix until I pass out.” Ryuji stood and stretched. Ren did the same and then walked him downstairs. He almost kissed him at the door before he thought better of it and just rubbed his shoulder instead. He ran back upstairs before Sojiro could say anything about public displays of affection in his doorway. 

He made himself a little more presentable, brushing his hair and changing into some nicer-looking clothes, before letting Mishima know he could come by. He felt antsy and nervous. He hadn’t seen his boyfriend in almost two months, and he knew things would be fine, but his heart was still beating erratically. Seeing Ryuji had felt so natural. He already felt painfully lonely again in his empty room. Every second he was by himself felt like torture now.

He tried to distract himself with his phone. Mishima sent him a few texts while he was on the way, telling him how excited he was to see him, how much he missed him. It made him smile and eased his nerves somewhat.

There was a knock at his door and he jumped up to answer it, but Mishima had the door open and his arms around his neck before he could react. A little noise of surprise forced its way out of Ren’s mouth, but then he laughed and squeezed Mishima tightly. All his anxiety dissolved into warmth at the feeling of Mishima’s body against his. 

Mishima pulled himself back and held Ren’s face in his, thumbing over his cheek. Ren leaned down and kissed him, soft first, then deeper, not wanting to let go of him. When they finally broke away, Mishima’s cheeks were flushed.

“Hi,” Mishima spoke shyly, like he was suddenly embarrassed by the situation. Ren kissed the tip of his nose and he hid his face in his chest, laughing against him. 

“Hi yourself.” Ren pulled him back a little by his hips. “Look at me. I wanna see your cute face.” Mishima shook his head against his shirt and pulled Ren closer again. “C’mon.” Another pull at his hips. 

Mishima begrudgingly lifted his head up and Ren smiled sweetly down at him. 

“Happy?” 

“Very. Couldn’t be happier.” Ren sighed and Mishima put a hand to his cheek again. He leaned against it. “Okay, _now_ I couldn’t be happier.” 

The two barely separated the whole time they spent together. They ended up cuddled up on the couch with a movie playing on the TV, but neither of them were really focused on anything but each other. They were all small touches and kisses and murmured sweet words. By the end of the movie, it was dark out and Ren was falling asleep again. He tried to force himself to stay awake, but he kept nearly nodding off. He felt bad that his time with both Ryuji and Mishima had been spent half-awake or completely unconscious.

Mishima untangled himself from Ren’s arms and moved over to his bed to straighten it out and get it ready for him. He picked up the package Ryuji had given Ren earlier.

“What’s this?” He held it up and inspected the heart-printed packaging. “You got a secret girlfriend you’re not telling me about?” 

“Nah, just Ryuji.” Ren rubbed an eye and forced himself to sit up properly on the couch. “He told me to give you some. I forgot, sorry. Been a long day.” The end of his words got cut off by a yawn. 

Mishima came over and plopped back down beside him, package in hand. 

“What is it?” He carefully undid the ribbon and opened it. “Oh! He said to give these to _me_?” 

“Yeah, I mean he gave them to me, but he explicitly told me to give you some. So… Maybe he’s got an agenda he’s not telling me about.” Ren reached into the bag and took a chocolate for himself. 

“Oh…” Mishima seemed more flustered than the situation called for. He just sat staring down at his lap. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh! Nothing! I just… It’s really not a big deal. I’ve just… never been given anything on Valentine’s Day before…” 

Ren leaned over and kissed his head.

“Now you have. From both of us, technically. Though mostly from Ryuji. Sorry, maybe he should be your boyfriend instead.” He rested his cheek on Mishima’s head, getting sleepy again.

“You think? I thought you wanted him to be _your_ boyfriend.” Mishima tilted his head up, making Ren move. 

“I do--” Ren spoke without thinking, then groaned while Mishima laughed. “But you don’t-- Stop laughing at me, I’m very tired.” He pouted and snatched the chocolates out of Mishima’s hands. 

“Hey, I didn’t even have any yet!” Ren put one into his hand and he ate it, then spoke again. “I told you it was fine. I kind of expected you to hook up right after, but you never did.” 

“Things got a little… hectic. Like my whole life hasn’t been hectic at this point.” 

Mishima leaned his head on Ren’s shoulder and held his hand out for another chocolate. “Things’ll be better now.”

“Hope so.” Ren put his hand in Mishima’s and held it instead of giving him more candy. 

“That’s not what I wanted and you know it.” But he didn’t move to take his hand back.

“That’s just too bad, isn’t it?”

Mishima hummed sadly and put his other hand over Ren’s, so he was holding it between his. “Sakamoto’s actually… Really nice, when he’s not yelling and making a scene. We hung out a lot while you were gone. I thought he just felt bad for that stuff he said to me that one time, but he kept seeking me out after school and texting me and stuff. Maybe he was just lonely without you.”

“He likes you.” Mishima stiffened and made a few flustered noises. Ren thought he was going to self-destruct. “Not-- Not like that. Sorry. I just meant he likes hanging out with you. He told me.” 

“O-oh. Okay. I-- I like him too-- Not like that, again-- Just--” He took a deep breath. “We actually like a lot of the same stuff, and I thought he was just going to use me to complain about how much he missed you, but… We just hung out, like… friends.” 

“He’s a good guy.” Ren let his head rest on top of Mishima’s again and shut his eyes. 

“Yeah. He is. And I think he’d be a good boyfriend to you. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I think… I’d be okay with that.” 

Ren just giggled sleepily and nuzzled his face against Mishima’s hair. “God, I loooove you, Yuuki.” 

“I love you too, but you’re falling asleep sitting up. C’mon.” He took Ren’s arm and forced him to get up and get ready for bed. 

Ren fell asleep almost instantly, but not before Mishima kissed his head and then his lips and pulled him close against him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I forgot about Yaldabaoth when I wrote this. We don't talk about that.


	7. Chapter 7

Ryuji and the others all sat in on a welcome back party for Ren the next day, and though Ren still looked completely exhausted, he did look happy, and that in turn made Ryuji happy. He didn’t want to bother him too much just yet, or be too clingy, but it was good to just see him existing in his field of vision again. He had tried to numb how much he’d missed him while he was gone. He tried to put all of his energy into working out and video games and hanging out with Ann or, more recently, Mishima, but there was always that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that was worrying about Ren. It was nonstop, and it was only now that it had faded away that he realized just how bad it had been. 

He wanted to be with him all the time, to have his arms around him, to see him smile and hear his voice. Falling asleep together the day after he got back had really solidified for him that his crush hadn’t gone anywhere. It had just gotten worse.

Now that he was arguably friends with Mishima, things only felt more complicated. He couldn’t wish ill-will on him. He couldn’t try to get between them, because then he would be hurting two of his friends, and he didn’t want to do that to either of them. But he was still jealous. He still felt that little pang of envy when he saw Ren lean in to Mishima’s touch or heard Mishima slip up and call him _babe_ around the others. He always got so flustered after that too, like he had been caught doing something dirty. It was cute, even if it did make him wish it was him getting to call Ren sappy pet-names in public. 

He didn’t even think he’d have the guts to do that. He still hadn’t told anyone about his attraction to guys, and he had sort-of managed to convince himself that it wasn’t _all_ guys, it was just Ren. Part of him knew that wasn’t true. That wasn’t how it worked. He’d see guys at the gym and have to look away quickly because he realized he wasn’t just looking at their form, but their faces, their smiles, their eyes… It still didn’t feel the same as when he saw a cute girl, but he did find himself thinking of other guys as handsome. He could see himself kissing a guy. 

He thought about kissing Yusuke. That did nothing for him but give him a mental image of himself trying his hardest to stand up on his toes to reach him while Yusuke craned himself up and back to get away, and that just made him laugh at himself. He was certain he wasn’t Yusuke’s type and Yusuke wasn’t his. That put an end to that line of thinking.

He thought about kissing Mishima, and the results were less comical. Mishima seemed like he would be okay to kiss. Hanging out with him several times had shown Ryuji that he wasn’t always a nervous wreck. He had a smile Ryuji might even describe as cute, and when he got excited about something, he got really intense and drew you in with him. Thinking about kissing him just made Ryuji feel anxious. Like if he messed it up, he’d really hurt his feelings. Why was that where he had gone with this? 

But he always came back to thinking about kissing Ren. He replayed their one and only shared kiss in his head more often than he wanted to admit. To anyone. Ever. Ren would laugh his ass off if he knew Ryuji was fantasizing about him like he was in some teen romance flick. It was embarrassing. But out of all of the scenarios he put himself through, that was the one that just felt right. He wanted more than anything to just put his arms around Ren’s waist and kiss him, soft and sweet and a perfect payback for the kiss he had ruined last year. If only he hadn’t been an idiot.

You didn’t get second chances for shit like that.

He didn’t have Ren over often. His apartment was small and his room was even smaller, and they had to sit on the floor or the bed to both see the small TV to play a game or squeeze themselves in front of Ryuji’s laptop to watch anime. It was just easier to hang out in public or at Leblanc where they had room to stretch out. Not that they didn’t usually end up in each other’s space anyway. 

He was trying to get Ren caught up on an anime they had been watching together before everything had gone swiftly to hell, but Ren had lost the plot, so they had started over from the beginning. They were both lying on their stomachs on Ryuji’s bed with the laptop in front of them. Ren had his head leaning against Ryuji’s arm and Ryuji could tell he was barely paying attention to the episodes he had insisted they re-watch so he wouldn’t be lost.

“You paying attention? I’m not gonna watch this a third time with you just cuz you’re spacin’ out.” Ryuji went to pause the video, but Ren grabbed his wrist and stopped him.

“I’m watching. Sorry.” He started to let go of Ryuji’s wrist but then put his hand over his instead and slipped his fingers between his to hold his hand.

He was quiet for the rest of the episode, but he still looked out of it. When Ryuji didn’t move to put on the next one, he just shut his eyes. 

“You okay? You’ve been actin’ kinda weird.” 

“Have you ever heard of polyamory?” Ren didn’t open his eyes or move. He just kept his head against Ryuji’s arm and held onto his hand tighter. 

Ryuji didn’t really know what to make of that. It sounded like a serious question.

“What, like old dudes marryin’ a buncha young women? You gonna start your own harem?” He grinned and turned onto his side, forcing Ren to lift his head up. He got him to open his eyes at least. 

Ren rested his cheek on his own arm against the bed and let go of Ryuji’s hand.

“No, like… just dating more than one person. But everyone knows. So it’s not cheating.” 

“So you are startin’ a harem. Good for you, man.” 

“Ryuji.” Ren sounded mad now. Uh oh. “I’m being serious.”

“Okay, yeah, sorry. I’m listenin’.”

But Ren didn’t say anything for a while. He just looked at a spot on the bed and seemed to be upset. Ryuji sat and waited patiently, wondering how he had messed up this time.

“Do you still like me? Like you told me you did after the thing in Shido’s Palace?” Ren wasn’t looking at him.

“I, uh… Yeah. Sorry, I know I should get over it. You got Mishima and all… Have I been weird?”

“No. No, you’re fine. I, um… Still like you too.”

“Oh.” Ryuji felt the breath go out of him. 

“And I know it’s weird. I know you’re supposed to be with one person and that’s it and you love them, and only them, forever, or until you break up, but… It doesn’t have to be like that, and I guess what I’m trying to say is… I really want to be your boyfriend.” 

Ryuji _really_ felt the breath go out of him. For once, he was speechless, if only briefly.

“But… Mishima,” was all he managed to get out.

“He knows. We talked about it. Months ago, actually, and he told me he was fine with it. And he mentioned it again the other day. Told me he thinks you’d be a good boyfriend to me.” 

“B-but-- I don’t--- You can’t break up with him for _me_!” He couldn’t believe he was saying this. Months and months of wanting _exactly_ that and now he was begging for the opposite. 

“Are you listening to me?” Ren lifted his head up and got eye-level with Ryuji. “Did you hear what I just said about dating two people? And everyone being okay with it? Me and Yuuki are both okay with it, so… Are you?” 

“I-I-I-- uh, I-- M-my brain’s a little bit fried right now, gimme like… a couple minutes to… uh... “ Ryuji trailed off and tried to silently make sense of this in his own head. He could be Ren’s boyfriend? Mishima was also his boyfriend? He could kiss Ren and hold his hand and fall asleep holding him as often as he wanted, but so could Mishima? Ren liked them both? This was way too much. He really thought his brain was just going to melt out of his ears.

Ren reached over and took his hand again. 

“You don't have to say yes.” Something in his brain snapped at the low, reassuring sound of Ren’s voice and he was kissing him before he even realized it. 

Ren hummed against him and put an arm around his neck to pull him in closer and he thought his heart was going to break out of his ribs. Soon he’d be brainless _and_ heartless and it would all be thanks to Ren. But maybe that was worth it if he got to kiss him like this. This was nothing like the kiss they had shared before, and nothing like the kiss he had imagined so many times. There was way more passion and need behind it than he could have come up with himself, even at his most desperate. 

But gradually, it softened and Ren loosened his grip on him to pull back and look at him in the eyes. He wasn’t sure what his own face was doing. He felt dazed. 

“You okay?” Ren ran a hand through his hair, like Ryuji did for him so often. That simple act woke him up as he was suddenly embarrassed by how gross his hair must feel compared to Ren’s from all the bleach and product. He shrugged Ren’s hand off and settled back down onto his side. They were still holding hands.

“I’m, uh… Yeah. I’m okay. Good... Great.” 

Ren didn't look convinced. 

“Be honest with me. Please. You look like you're about to freak out.” He reached for Ryuji's head again but Ryuji grabbed his arm and lowered it back down between them.

“I am bein’ honest. And I _am_ about to freak out, probably. But like, _good_ freakin’ out. I get to be your…” He cut himself off and froze. Suddenly, he realized that if they made this official, the cat would be out of the bag about his newfound bisexuality. He didn't think his friends would give a shit, and his reputation at school was already tanked, but he didn't think he could even handle a joking _I knew it_ from Ann or Futaba without going into attack mode. Maybe he wasn't cut out for this.

“My what? I wanna hear you say it.” Ren hadn't caught on to his internalized panic and just leaned closer to him, grinning. When Ryuji didn't respond to his teasing, he pulled back and frowned. “What's wrong?” 

“I guess I gotta… like, come out to people. I dunno. I never told anyone except you. And I guess Mishima knows. Yusuke might know cuz I asked him some dumb questions one time, but I can never tell what that guy's thinkin’, so he might not have even caught on. I just didn't think I'd ever have to deal with this. A year ago, I wasn't worried about it, y'know? I knew I liked girls and that was enough.” 

“It's scary. I felt like shit when I told you. I was freaked out for days. I think it's hardest to tell people you care about, because if a stranger doesn't like it then it doesn't matter and you just move on, but your friends look at you wrong and it's… horrible.” Ren averted his eyes down to the space between them. 

“I'm still sorry about that shit.” 

“You apologized already. Don't worry about it. We're good.” He glanced up and smiled before laying his head down. 

Ryuji did the same and they were eye level with each other once again, just watching each other's faces quietly. He sighed. He didn't think he'd ever be in a situation quite like this one, and as he saw it, he had two options:

He could be Ren's boyfriend and accept all the strangeness that that situation called for, including sharing with Mishima. It would require him to really, fully accept his own bisexuality and for him to be at least partially open about it to anyone who saw his relationship with Ren from the outside. He would have to tell his mom. That would be a fun conversation over dinner. But his mom _loved_ Ren. She would probably be okay. 

Option two was giving in to his own anxiety and cowardice, backing down and making himself continue watching Ren from the sidelines like he was shoved into a glass box. Sure, they'd still be friends, but how long was he going to be able to put up with the tension and frustration of knowing what he _could_ have and instead keeping himself tied down? 

He had decided long ago that he could do anything as long as Ren was by his side. This wasn't any different. 

He raised himself up again and leaned over Ren to kiss him for the second time that day. Ren put a hand to his jaw. He made a quiet longing noise when Ryuji pulled away and it made him laugh. 

“I can't say no to that.” He tried to kiss him again, but Ren turned his head. 

“You can.” 

“What?”

“You _can_ say no. And you _should_ if it isn't what you want to do. I'm serious.” Ren frowned at him. 

“I… yeah, I know. I was just jokin’... I think it is. What I wanna do, I mean. You're worth the comin’ out and shit. If I get to call you my boyfriend.” 

Ren's expression practically melted and he started giggling to himself. Ryuji kissed his head and it made him laugh harder and pull him into a hug.

“God, my mom's gonna flip. She practically wants to adopt you already. Constantly askin’ me _when's Ren comin’ over for dinner? How's Ren doin’? Tell Ren I said hi._ Gimme a break.”

“You never tell me she says hi!” Ren's voice was muffled against his chest. 

“Well, my mom said hi! Like 4 friggin’ months ago.”

Ren squeezed him and laughed again, followed by a happy noise into his shirt. They fell quiet and Ryuji pressed his face into Ren's hair and shut his eyes. It wasn't hitting him as hard as he thought it would, but he was certain that it would absolutely bowl him over later that this was his _boyfriend_. He had a _boyfriend_. For now, he just felt warm. 

Ryuji gave up on Ren's anime consumption for the day, and the rest of their time together was spent just laying together quietly or making small talk. Ren kissed him again before he left, and Ryuji was left dazed and happy at his front door. Everything actually felt okay for the first time in so long. He kept feeling like there had to be a catch.

* * *

Ryuji knew he had to come out to his mom. They didn’t have secrets. He didn’t keep things from her. They were all each other had for family and they were always as open and honest with each other as they could be. He didn’t even like keeping the Phantom Thieves shit from her, and he wouldn’t have if he hadn’t had to. 

He had given himself a week since he and Ren had made things official to psych himself up, and it hadn’t done much to calm his nerves. If anything, he felt more and more anxious as time went by. Logically, he knew his mom wouldn’t react badly. She wasn’t like that. She had never given him any indication that she wouldn’t love him if he was gay, but he couldn’t push away the feeling of dread that had burrowed itself into his chest. The closer it got to time for her to be home, the sicker he felt. 

He tried to focus on finishing dinner. He had it plated and ready by the time she walked in the door, just like he did most nights of the week. They greeted each other, and she kissed his head on her way in to set her things down. He settled himself at the table and waited for her to come back, fidgeting with his hands and trying to calm his heartbeat down to a normal speed. That didn’t really work. When she came and sat back down with him, it was still pounding hard.

“How was your day?” He tried his best to smile for her and waited for her to dig into her food to start pushing his around. He didn’t have much of an appetite. 

“Oh, you know. Same old, same old.” She took a bite and chewed slowly. “Mmmm, thank you for dinner, sweetheart. I haven’t been able to really sit down and eat today.”

“Aw, Mom, you gotta start taking lunches! Don’t just not eat all day!” He furrowed his brows at her across the table. “I’m gonna pack you somethin’ tonight, okay? But you gotta remember to take it with you in the mornin’.” He finally took a bite of his own food.

“You’re such a good boy. Always looking out for me.” She reached over and put her hand on his and rubbed it, then pulled back and went back to eating. “I should be the one taking care of you.”

“You always take care of me. Always have. I don’t mind makin’ you food, it ain’t a big deal. I’m gettin’ life skills and-- stuff.” He quickly censored his language at the last second. 

She laughed and took a sip of her drink.

“Right, you’ll make a good husband someday if you can cook. Not enough men cook for their wives and I’m not gonna let you become one of those men who just let their wives do everything at home.”

Right… wives.

He barely laughed and then fell silent, staring down at his plate and spacing out. 

“You okay? You’re not eating much. You feelin’ sick?” She immediately took on a more maternal tone and started to reach over the table to try and feel his forehead to check for a fever. He leaned back and waved his hand at her.

“Nah, I’m… I’m okay.” She didn’t look convinced. He took a deep breath. Now or never. “I, uh, I gotta… gotta talk to you about somethin’ though.”

“Are you having trouble at school again…? Your grades have been looking a lot better lately, I’m proud of you.” 

“No, it’s… School’s fine. Thanks… It’s not… about that, it’s, uh…” He could feel sweat forming on his forehead. He took in another deep but shaky breath and dove right in. “I’m bisexual. I, uh, I like… like guys.” 

His mom was silent for what felt like too long and he couldn’t handle looking up from the table to see her expression. She reached over and put her hand on his again.

“Were you worried about telling me that?” Her tone was gentle and sweet. He nodded. “Oh, sweetie, it’s _okay_! I’m not gonna get upset with you over something like that. I’m happy you told me.” She kept rubbing her thumb back and forth on the back of his hand, just small comforting motions.

“I, um, thanks. For not freaking out.” He finally looked up at her and saw she was smiling at him. God, he loved his mom. 

“You’re still not going to become a husband who makes his spouse do all the housework. Right?” She squeezed his hand.

“Yeah, Mom.” He grinned down at his food. He felt so much better. There was still one more hurdle, though it seemed inconsequential in comparison. “There’s somethin’ else though. Ren’s, uh, my… my boyfriend.”

“Your _boyfriend_!” His mom sounded absolutely delighted by this news and he felt his face flush in embarrassment. “Oh, he’s such a good kid. I’m _so_ happy for you, baby. Have you been together this whole time? You could’ve told me, I would’ve welcomed him to the family.”

“Nah, just like, a week? But I’ve liked him for a long time.” He shrugged. He couldn’t stop smiling at the opportunity to talk about Ren like this. He hadn’t really told anyone else, except their group of friends, who had all just acted like it was inevitable. To have someone excited and happy for him felt… nice.

He felt tears forming in his eyes and he quickly pulled his hand back from hers to rub them away. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” She got up from her chair and came over to wrap her arms around him in a tight hug. He rested his head on her chest and put his arms around her waist and let himself be held. “You can _always_ talk to me about this stuff. About any stuff.” 

He sniffled and she squeezed him tighter. 

“Love you, Mom.” 

She leaned down and kissed his head. 

He ate some of his food with some effort and then cleaned up and excuse himself to his room. He felt better now, just overwhelmed by emotion. He sat on his bed and hugged a pillow to his chest, phone in hand.

>   
> **Ryuji:** Told my mom  
>  **Ren:** Oh! It went good?  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah  
>  **Ren:** :)   
> **Ren:** You did it!  
>  **Ryuji:** I did it lol  
>  **Ryuji:** She said I shoulda told her sooner n she woulda welcomed u to the family  
>  **Ren:** Awwww I love your mom.  
>  **Ryuji:** I love my mom   
> **Ren:** I love… you?  
>  **Ryuji:** What’s with the ?  
>  **Ren:** Oh I dunno. Can I say that?  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah u can say that wtf we’re dating  
>  **Ryuji:** I’ve told u I love u before anyway  
>  **Ren:** Yeah but… not like that.  
>  **Ryuji:** I mean…  
>  **Ren:** OOOOOH. Wow. Haha ok.  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah  
>  **Ren:** Damn I’m sorry, I’m just stupid I guess.  
>  **Ryuji:** I wasn’t tryin to be obvious  
>  **Ryuji:** Am now tho so  
>  **Ryuji:** I love u  
>  **Ryuji:** 2  
>  **Ren:** Hehe… I’m happy  
>  **Ryuji:** Me 2 now that I’m not freakin out  
>  **Ren:** Your mom was never gonna take that badly.  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah but it’s hard  
>  **Ryuji:** To like say it  
>  **Ren:** Oh yeah I know. I didn’t mean it wasn’t. You did good, I’m proud.  
>  **Ren:** Next time I come over, I expect an induction ceremony into your family. Dinner and everything.  
>  **Ryuji:** I mean I can make u dinner whenever u want  
>  **Ren:** Long as it’s not curry.  
>  **Ryuji:** Idk how to make curry so ur safe  
>  **Ren:** Thank god. Please no more.  
>  **Ryuji:** Lol I’m gonna tell Boss  
>  **Ren:** Do it. I dare you to look him in the eye and tell him that.  
>  **Ryuji:** Good point  
>  **Ryuji:** But yeah I’ll make u dinner   
> **Ren:** I’m swooning.  
>  **Ryuji:** Next weekend?  
>  **Ren:** I am so down.  
>  **Ryuji:** First date: dinner with me and my mom  
>  **Ryuji:** How romantic  
>  **Ren:** Uh, not if I take you on a date FIRST.  
>  **Ren:** Would you mind accompanying me to the movies after school on Tuesday, my dearest?  
>  **Ryuji:** Ur already breakin out the pet names  
>  **Ren:** Yes I am, darling :)  
>  **Ryuji:** Stopppp  
>  **Ren:** Baby  
>  **Ryuji:** God stop  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah I’ll go to the movies with u  
>  **Ren:** Nice.  
>  **Ren:** Do you not like pet names though? I can not do that with you, if you don’t like it. I’m just sappy.  
>  **Ryuji:** Nah it’s fine babe  
>  **Ren:** OHHH. WOW.  
>  **Ryuji:** ?  
>  **Ren:** WOWWWW.  
>  **Ryuji:** U good? U like that?  
>  **Ren:** YES AND YES.  
>  **Ryuji:** Lol ur cute  
>  **Ren:** I can’t say anything coherent, I’m just blushing furiously.  
>  **Ren:** I am going to bed RIGHT NOW.  
>  **Ryuji:** Lol k gn babe  
>  **Ren:** AAAAAAAA. OK! GOODNIGHT!  
> 

* * *

A month later, Ryuji realized what the catch was.

Ren's probation period ended and he was expected to pack everything up and go back to his hometown in the middle of nowhere, hours away, leaving all of his friends behind. Ryuji had gotten so caught up in everything good happening that he had forgotten that they would be separated soon, indefinitely. 

He sat on the floor in the attic while Ren shoved what few belongings he had into bags. They had both been quiet. Neither of them had the energy to make jokes.

Ren had stopped actively packing and was instead just kneeling next to an open bag, holding some trinket Yusuke had given him in one hand and staring down at the floor. He looked miserable. Ryuji moved over to him and wrapped his arms around him from the side and Ren let his head fall sideways onto his chest. 

“Wanna talk?” Ryuji felt Ren sigh and shake his head. “S’fine. I'm here.” 

They sat silently until Ren sat up straighter again and Ryuji released him but stayed sitting next to him. He finally placed the few items in front of him into the bag and zipped it shut. 

“I don't… have friends back home. I mean, I didn't before. It's a small town and everyone knows everything about everyone else and now that I have a record, I'm really in for it.” Ren laughed sadly to himself. “My parents are gonna kill me anyway.” 

“Your record's cleared though. They proved you didn't do shit.” 

“No one's going to care. You stick out once and that's it. My parents already told me before I got sent here that I ruined their reputations. They're probably gonna put me on lockdown until I graduate. Keep me inside so no one has to deal with me.” 

“I'll come break you out. Visit you on summer break and shit. Kidnap you and take you to the beach.” Ryuji was grinning ear to ear, but he stopped when he noticed Ren was crying. “Hey… it's gonna be okay. I promise. Shit gets too bad and you say the word and I'll stage a whole heist to come get you. My mom'll lose her mind if she hears you got shitty parents. She'd probably be down there faster than I would with adoption papers in hand--”

“Stop. Please...” Ren cut him off, voice breaking.

“Yeah. Sorry.” Ryuji looked down at his lap and fell silent.

Ren rubbed at his eyes and cheeks and stopped his brief crying spell. 

“I don't want to run from my reality. I just have to go home and deal with it. Be by myself, like I was before. If I survived sixteen years of it, I can do it again. I'm glad I at least got a year of friendship.” He leaned his head on Ryuji's shoulder.

“We're still gonna be your friends, man… it ain't like we're never gonna see each other again. We got one more year of high school and then we can go wherever we want. You could come back. You _gotta_ come back, cuz I'm not moving out to the boonies with you and I'm not doin’ this long distance shit for the rest of my life if I don't have to.” 

“You can break up with me…” Ren's voice was almost inaudible. “If you… don't want to do the distance…” 

“What? Hell no! You're not gettin’ rid of me that easily. I told you before we're together for life. Gonna be old men causin’ havoc together. You think you bein’ a few hours away is gonna make me give up on you? I love you _way_ too much for that.” 

Ren barely smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They did it!
> 
> 2 out of 3 relationships are go!


	8. Chapter 8

Mishima was inconsolable. Every time Ren got him to calm down and stop crying, he would pause, cling to his shirt, and start up again. Ren had never seen him cry this hard over anything, and he couldn't find a way to comfort him. All he could do was hold him, but that seemed to be making things worse.

When he managed to sob out a weak, broken “ _Please don't leave me all alone_ ,” Ren felt his heart shatter. He pulled him in closer and tried his best in vain to stop himself from crying too.

He was going to be alone as well. He was going back to the life he had before he stumbled on the Metanav and had his whole world turned around. Back to being the quiet kid nobody talked to, whose parents expected him to be obedient and unobtrusive. Such loneliness had been normal to him before for so long, but now that he knew what it was like to have friends and people who cared for him, the thought of going back made him feel sick. 

At least his friends could make sure Mishima was okay. He had already told them not to leave him out. To make sure he got invited to things. To include him as one of them. Even if he declined, they had to try. Ren wasn't going to let him fade back into the background after all the work he had done to come out of his shell. 

He wished he could verbalize all he was feeling, but all he felt capable of doing was holding onto his boyfriend and letting himself cry properly over all of this. It was his last night at Leblanc and he had managed to hold it mostly together. He had shed a few tears, but he hadn't let himself come undone this way. If Mishima was falling apart, he might as well do the same. 

They stayed up way too late, crying and talking, and promising to keep loving each other. Mishima made Ren promise he'd call and text and that they would see each other again. The thought of being without Ren was clearly tearing him up inside. Ren never thought anyone would care about his presence that much, and it felt strange to confront it.

Mishima said he didn't have the strength to see Ren off at the station, so they said goodbye in Leblanc's empty dining area. Mishima was sobbing again, clinging to Ren's back and soaking his shirt through with tears. Ren wasn't faring much better. They both pulled themselves together enough to give each other one last, long kiss goodbye, and then it took several more attempts to part from each other before Mishima actually left, continually looking over his shoulder at Ren like it was the last thing he wanted to be doing.

Ren slumped over in a booth as soon as he left and just stared, unfocused, at the table. He felt empty already and knew it was only a taste of the emptiness to come when he got back to his old home. He couldn't even will himself to take on Joker's smug confidence about this. Ever since Mementos had been destroyed, it was like that part of him had been ripped away with it. He was back to being awkward, bumbling Ren. And awkward, bumbling Ren was about to not even have his friends around to keep him together. 

He spent most of the train ride back half-asleep, Morgana tucked into his bag in his lap keeping him warm and weighed down. He would wake up, be briefly confused by his surroundings, and then try again to become numb to the situation. This cycle repeated for several hours, but he never quite got the hang of the numbness part. Everything still ached. 

His parents hadn't bothered to come pick him up at the station, so he was stuck taking a bus, and then walking a few miles with his bags. He had become so accustomed to being able to hop on a train and go wherever he wanted that he had forgotten that it wouldn't be like that at home. When he finally got to his childhood home, the door was locked and he had to stand outside shivering in the evening breeze, waiting for one of his parents to let him in.

Neither of them seemed particularly thrilled to see him and he was given a simple pat on the shoulder and told to go to his room and sleep. Morgana did what he had been told and stayed motionless and quiet in the bag. Ren didn't exactly have permission to be bringing a cat back home with him, and he had never been allowed pets before. He wasn't sure what his father would do if he was found out. He had thought about leaving Morgana with Futaba and Sojiro, but if he was being honest with himself, he needed the companionship. They would just have to be extremely careful. 

His bedroom had been mostly cleared out, like his parents had half expected him not to come back. He still had some of his clothes and his bed was still where it should be, but the walls were bare and his books, games, and anything his parents had deemed junk were missing. It didn't upset him as much as he thought it should. 

He sat down on the bed and thought about texting his friends that he had arrived, but he couldn't handle the barrage of _We miss you_ 's that would stream in in response. No matter how much they missed him, they had each other. He didn't have anything. 

He kicked his bags under his bed, not caring about unpacking for now, and just got into bed. It was still evening, but he had nothing better to do. He slept all night and would have slept well into the day if his mom hadn't dragged him out of bed and forced him up and out for school bright and early. He hadn't realized he would be going back so soon.

He had been right about his reputation. Just like when he had first started at Shujin, he was met with whispers everywhere he turned about how he was a delinquent, a criminal. Only now he didn't have the Nav to save him. And nobody in his small school was going to risk their own social standing to stick their neck out for him. He spent his school days quietly, alone. Most days, he didn't speak a single word until he got home and said hi to Morgana. On the days he did speak, it was just because he got called on in class. He had no meaningful interactions. 

He felt so alone. 

The weeks passed, then a month, then two. He barely talked to his friends. They stopped asking after him so insistently after a few weeks and things felt like they were at a stand-still. Someone would tell him they were thinking about him, or send him something they thought he would like, but without being able to be there in person, his relationships started fizzling out. Maybe they had finally realized he wasn't as cool and charismatic as they thought.

Mishima still texted him every morning and every night, and tried to keep up a conversation during the day, but Ren often couldn't find it in him to respond much. Mishima understood, and he never relented. He told Ren that he knew what it was like to be alone, and that if he could make it more bearable just by keeping a routine of _good morning, goodnight, I love you_ , then he was going to. God, Ren loved him. Even on days when he could barely feel anything, he loved him. 

Ryuji was more erratic, but Ren still got texts from him almost every day. They would stream movies or anime together sometimes. It made Ren feel closer to him. Ryuji had a bit of a one-track mind about most things, so if Ren was out of sight but not out of mind, it must have meant he really cared. He really wanted to be around him, even miles and miles away. He felt loved.

Ryuji and Mishima were the only people keeping him tethered. When his parents and schoolmates ignored him, he still had that small weight of love keeping him grounded. Someone out there loved him. Someone cared.

* * *

Ryuji felt like he had fallen into a pit the day Ren left, and he hadn't had the energy to try and scramble out of it. He hadn't looked for any footholds, he hadn't even looked up to see how deep the pit was. He just sat at the bottom of it, wallowing in the dirt and darkness. He disconnected from his friends. He went to school and came home and made his mom dinner and went to bed, rinse and repeat. On Sundays he stayed in bed as long as he could, numbing his brain with whatever was on TV.

He couldn't let Ren know how bad he was doing. He sent Ren selfies of him smiling his brightest smile, hair touched up and wearing clean clothes. He didn't let him see the version of himself with an inch of roots growing in and wearing the same rumpled shirt he picked up off his floor three days in a row. He felt ashamed. He felt disgusting. If Ren saw him like that, he felt like he would be disgusted too. 

He had no reason to be acting like this. Ren was the one who had it bad. He was out there all alone. Ryuji had friends and it was _his_ fault he wasn't seeing them. It was his own fault he had stopped working out and stopped keeping up with his appearance and stopped doing his homework and let his whole life backslide into what it had been before he met Ren. A year of positive influence and personal growth thrown out the window. 

Sometimes he would run into Mishima at school, but they wouldn't really talk. They'd just nod at each other and keep walking. Ryuji figured Mishima probably wasn't doing too hot either, but he didn't ask. 

After about a month of feeling sorry for himself, Ren sent a text to the group chat that woke him up.

> **Ren:** Hope you’re all being good to Yuuki.

Ugh. He knew he wasn't. He knew nobody else was either. He watched a few of his friends scramble to defend themselves and come up with excuses for how they had just been so busy, or it was so awkward with him, or they didn't really go out much so there wasn't much to include him in. It made Ryuji's stomach turn. 

Ren had been so worried about Mishima being alone. Ryuji had known Mishima for years. He had seen how badly he got walked all over in middle school and how he had gone totally ignored when he wasn't being someone's personal doormat. He hadn't done anything to help him all that time. Now he was seeing the same thing happen again. For a while, Mishima had seemed better, brighter. He had laughed and smiled more. He stood up for himself if someone bugged him. But now, he looked dead inside when Ryuji ran into him. 

They had all really let him down.

The next day, Ryuji cornered Mishima during lunch and pulled him away so they could eat together up on the roof, surrounded by Haru's many plants. It was quiet up there, away from all the traffic down below. Mishima picked at his food and kept glancing at Ryuji, like he was in trouble.

“How're you-- are you doin’ alright?” Ryuji knew it was a dumb question. Of course he wasn't. But he still wanted to ask.

“Um… yeah. I'm okay. Thanks.” His voice was quiet and submissive. This was definitely the Mishima from before they had busted Kamoshida. Meek and tired and drained of life.

“Nah, you're not. You don't gotta lie to me, man.” Ryuji softened his tone when he realized how much Mishima was tensing up, like he was waiting for an impact. “Look, I know I've been a shitty friend, cuz I haven't been doin’ great either, but I can't just keep wallowin’ and waitin’ for shit to pass. I'm sorry for not checkin’ in on you before now.”

Mishima shifted in his seat and finally took a bite of his food. Ryuji could tell he was uncomfortable, but he didn’t know how to make it better.

“I gotta get goin’ after school today cuz I told my mom I’d clean up the apartment before she gets home, but tomorrow me and you got a date with a couple nice big bowls of ramen. On me.” Ryuji put on his best smile and leaned back in his chair, tilting it back on its back legs.

“Sakamoto, you don’t have to suck up to me. Ren isn’t here to get mad at you.” Mishima kept his eyes down but his tone was much harsher now than it had been.

“Huh?” Ryuji almost knocked himself over in his chair and flailed. “This ain’t about that at all. I thought we were friends. We used to hang out, remember?”

“I know Ren told all of you to… take care of me, or whatever, but you don’t have to do that. I can take care of myself.” 

“I mean, yeah, he did, but… Only cuz he knew how much this was gonna suck for both of us and he wanted to make sure nobody got left out. And I’ve done a shitty job at bein’ anyone’s friend so far. I needed him to kick my ass back in line before I went and became a hermit livin’ in a cave in the mountains.” 

Mishima didn’t respond to that.

“What I’m tryin’ to say is that I messed up with you. I know I keep doin’ that, but I just… I miss you. Really. This ain’t about what Ren wants me to do, this is about me realizin’ I shouldn’t have shut myself away from everyone and now it’s my fault I’m so effin’ lonely all the time. I’m tryin’ to reach out to you.”

Mishima slowly looked up at him and barely smiled. 

“We can get ramen tomorrow, if you want to.” 

“Hell yeah, I do!”

As promised, Ryuji showed up outside Mishima’s classroom the next day and threw an arm over his shoulder. Mishima flinched away instinctively at first, but then mumbled an apology and let himself relax into Ryuji’s touch. It was a small step in the right direction.

They trekked all the way out to Ryuji’s preferred beef bowl shop this time. He hadn’t been there since he had gone with Ren many months ago, and it felt appropriate to introduce Mishima to all it had to offer. They had to stand in line to get in, but it wasn’t as bad as Ryuji had seen it in the past. He at least got Mishima to smile a few times, and got him talking, even if it was just about small stuff. 

Mishima gradually opened up to him more the longer they sat together, until they were both enjoying their food and laughing like old times. All it took for Ryuji to feel even the tiniest bit normal again was to force himself to connect with someone. And now he felt okay. He hoped Mishima did too. He seemed like he did. 

By the time they were walking back to the train station, Ryuji was just frustrated at himself for isolating for so long. Why the hell had he done that? Mishima was right here and his friend and he, more than anyone else, understood the pain that Ryuji was experiencing. They should have been leaning on each other this whole time instead of acting like they were all alone in the world. He felt _good_ for the first time in months. 

When they parted ways, he still felt okay. When he got home, he felt just as alone as before. The warm fullness Mishima had put into him had disappeared and he was left feeling painfully empty. But he felt like he had made progress. He had figured out how to beat back the loneliness, at least temporarily. He could keep doing it. He didn’t have to keep giving in to this weight on top of him every day. He could pull himself out, and he could take Mishima with him. He tried to hold on to that thought as he put his head down to sleep. 

His phone buzzed and he grabbed for it in the dark. It was a text from Mishima.

> **Mishima:** Seeing you today made me feel a lot better. I hope we can keep being friends :)

He smiled and typed up a reply. 

> **Ryuji:** Yeah no prob  
>  **Ryuji:** Made me feel a lot better too  
>  **Ryuji:** Seein u happy is good  
>  **Ryuji:** Lmk when ur free  
>  **Mishima:** Can do. Thanks again

He started to put his phone down, but then opened his conversation with Ren and sent him a message as well. 

> **Ryuji:** Love u. Thinkin about u  
>  **Ryuji:** Gn babe

His phone buzzed again as he was putting it down and he sighed but opened the message. 

> **Ren:** Love you so much. Sweet dreams.

He started hanging out with Mishima more. It didn't feel forced to him and he hoped Mishima understood now that it wasn't about Ren's wishes, but about genuinely liking him and wanting to be around him. He wasn't great with words, but he tried to show him. 

They started eating their lunches together at school. They would go to each other's houses and hang out, though Ryuji quickly found out Mishima's parents weren't as cool as his own mom and that he wasn't _supposed_ to have people over. After almost getting caught once and seeing how worked up Mishima got over it, Ryuji just started inviting him over instead. 

Ryuji sort of knew they liked the same stuff, but he hadn't realized just how _much_ their interests overlapped. They had generally the same taste in manga and in TV, with Mishima's favorites skewing a bit more nerdy than Ryuji's sometimes. But Ryuji was open-minded. They both tried new things for each other, and most of the time it worked out. 

It happened gradually, but they got close. They had just been acquaintances when Ryuji had called them friends, but now he really felt like Mishima was his best friend. Besides Ren, he hadn't ever felt a connection like this with someone. It felt nice. 

Mishima had laughed his ass off at some lame joke Ryuji had uttered mindlessly, and all at once it hit him what Ren saw in him. He was genuine, open about his emotions once you got to know him, he saw light in things even after being in the dark so long, he was smart and funny and supportive of everything Ryuji did. He made you feel _special_ when he looked at you with those big eyes of his. Ryuji had originally thought Mishima was just this bullied try-hard who wanted to suck up to Ren and get a hint of fame off of him, but he had been _so_ wrong. 

He felt like he was looking at Mishima for the first time, in a new light. He was cute and sweet and… cute… and… Ryuji realized he was staring and jerked his eyes away. Mishima was so engrossed in his phone that he hadn't noticed.

Where had that come from? Was he just rebounding from missing Ren so bad? Was he just desperate for affection and attention wherever he could get it? No, it wasn't like that. It wasn't wrong to think your friend was cute. He could appreciate that Mishima had soft, kind eyes and a bright smile and now that his hair was growing out from that bad haircut, he looked sort of handsome. That was fine.

Never mind that this was the same kind of talking in circles he had done for months trying to avoid admitting that he had a crush on Ren. But now, he knew himself better. He wasn't freaking out. He was just… confused. He would give it some time. Neither of them was going anywhere. 

He started touching him more. He knew Mishima was weird about touch, so he tried to be very obvious about it. A hand on a shoulder while they were already talking to each other. Ruffling his hair while his hands were already in plain view. No surprise attacks from behind. No sudden shoves or grabs. It took some adjustment on his part, but he was trying to be thoughtful. 

Mishima started initiating back.

Every unexpected touch from him sent warmth through Ryuji's body, radiating out from the point of contact. He realized that since Ren had left, he had felt totally _starved_ for physical affection. His mom hugged him every night, but that wasn't the same. He had gotten used to near constant contact with Ren, even before they had made things official, and now he realized how desperate he was for anything resembling that. 

Mishima put a hand on his arm while they walked through a crowd so they wouldn't get separated. Mishima's hand brushed his while pooling their money to buy dinner. Mishima stuck close to him under a shared umbrella when Ryuji forgot his own. Mishima briefly leaned over him while reaching across the bed to grab his bag. And Ryuji ate it all up. 

He thought about asking if Mishima was lonely. He had to be. Ryuji knew how touchy Ren had been with him. He _had_ to be afflicted with the same ailment. Maybe they could hold hands. Maybe they could just cuddle. He would take anything. 

He had to stop and ask himself if he wanted to do those things for the sake of doing them, or if it was because it was Mishima. He hated that he didn't know. He went through the same exercises he had done when he had been pining after Ren.

Would he hold hands with Yusuke right now? Probably not. It would just be weird. Everything was weird with Yusuke.

What about Ann? Maybe. He thought Ann might hold his hand if he looked sad enough and explained how lonely he was, but she'd tease him for it and only comply out of pity. So that was out.

Futaba? No. No, no, no. He didn't know where her hands had been and she would make fun of him the whole time.

He went down the list of people he knew and kept coming to the same conclusion: it was just Mishima. He _just_ wanted to get close to Mishima. Maybe it was a proxy to Ren, but even that didn't sound right. 

Was this even allowed? Was he allowed to get all cuddly with his boyfriend's other boyfriend? There had to be rules for this kind of stuff, but he had never asked. He wondered if Ren would be mad, if he would feel betrayed that he had moved away and Ryuji had latched onto Mishima so hard, effectively making Ren the odd man out. He didn't want that.

But he just felt more and more desperate the longer he went without prolonged close contact. He felt like he was going to go crazy if he didn't get a long hug or something. 

He decided to go for it. Or at least try his best to. He did it in private to somehow save his and Mishima's egos if it went south. He was saying goodbye to Mishima, but as he turned to leave he touched his arm and stopped him. Mishima looked puzzled.

“Hey, um, sorry if this is… weird. I mean, I know it's weird. Shit, sorry. I, uh… could we… hug? Maybe?” He tried to sound noncommittal, like he wasn't going to go rabid if he went another day without feeling another person's warmth. 

“You… want a hug?” Mishima didn't sound upset by the idea, just unsure of what he was being asked for. Ryuji just swallowed hard and nodded. “Yeah. C'mere.” 

Mishima stepped closer to him and put his arms around Ryuji's neck. He was several inches shorter than him, the perfect height for Ryuji to rest his chin on his head, he realized. He shut his eyes and let himself melt into the feeling. Mishima was warm and soft and fit perfectly against him. It was everything he had wanted, and it had been so easy to get once he had actually asked. 

He was worried he was making it weirder by not breaking it off, but Mishima wasn't moving away either. They stayed that way for much longer than Ryuji thought must be socially acceptable for two friends, but he was content. Mishima nuzzled his shoulder a little and he pulled him in closer. 

“Sakamoto…?” Mishima's voice was small and so soft. Ryuji hummed in response. “Are you okay? This isn't a normal hug.” 

Ryuji loosened his grip and let Mishima pull back, but he kept his hands on his sides, not wanting to completely let go.

“What do you mean? What's a normal hug to you?”

“Oh, I mean… that was like… I don't really know how to put this. It felt sad. It wasn't just a casual hug, it was… you seeking something. Comfort, maybe.” 

Ryuji finally let his arms drop to his own sides, but Mishima stayed close to him anyway. He was right, of course, but that probably meant he felt the same way.

“Yeah. Probably.” He looked away, embarrassed. “I told you it was weird.”

“It's not weird. I… know we haven't talked about it. I know we're both avoiding it. But… I know we're both lonely. It's okay if you want a hug sometimes. I do too. You can hug me, just… ask first.” Mishima gave him a small smile and he had to fight himself not to pull him into another hug then and there. He felt his arms twitch from the effort.

But now it was out in the open. They were both lonely. They both needed a hug sometimes. They could do that for each other. 

And they did. 

Mishima, surprisingly, offered hugs up much more readily than Ryuji thought he would. Before they parted, he would usually ask Ryuji if he wanted one, and they would hug each other close for as long as they needed and then go their separate ways. 

For a while, Ryuji was sated by these touches. But he was greedy and he wanted more. He wanted Mishima to put his head on his chest and let him play with his hair. He wanted to hold his hand while they walked the streets. He wanted to tell him how cute he was when he got so excited about a plot twist that he nearly started yelling. 

He grabbed his hand one day while they were walking to the station after school. Mishima's speech stammered and his face went bright red, but he didn't pull away, and Ryuji would consider that a victory. He did it a few more times when they were just sitting together and got the same results. 

And then he got bold. But really, it was Ren's fault. 

Every time one of them told Ren that they were hanging out together, he would reply with some variation of the same thing.

> _I miss him. Give him a hug for me._
> 
> _Hold his hand for me._
> 
> _Tell him I love him._
> 
> _Give him a kiss for me._

Ryuji knew an opportunity when he saw one. 

“Hey, Yuuki?” He nudged his arm to get him to put his phone down and look up at him. It worked and he smiled at Ryuji, cute as ever. Ryuji leaned in and kissed him. Just a quick peck on the lips. “From Ren.” 

Mishima went redder than Ryuji had ever seen and he hid his face in his hands, making flustered noises that only added to the cuteness. He whined out Ryuji's name and he couldn't help but laugh.

> **Ryuji:** Done. He might be cryin tho  
>  **Ren:** DID YOU REALLY KISS HIM???  
>  **Ren:** RYUJI?????  
>  **Ryuji:** U kno me. I don’t half ass shit lol

He saw Mishima's phone light up in his lap from several messages from Ren in quick succession. 

“You okay, man? You always freak out like that when someone kisses you?” Ryuji put a hand on his arm. 

“ _No_! You just-- I didn't-- That wasn't fair! I wasn't expecting it!” Mishima didn't sit up straighter or uncover his face, but he leaned over against Ryuji's arm and whined. Ryuji rubbed his back and after a few deep breaths he sat up again. The look in his eyes was disturbingly intense.

Now it was Ryuji's turn to be flustered as Mishima touched his jaw and pulled him in to kiss him. It was a proper kiss this time, not one that could be passed off as a joke. Ryuji was fine with that. He put a hand on Mishima's side and leaned closer to him to keep kissing him. They only broke apart because both of their phones kept buzzing incessantly and it was making Mishima laugh against his lips. Ryuji, desperate fool that he was, tried to go in for another kiss, but was rejected by Mishima leaning back and looking at his phone.

“He's freaking out.” Just like that, Ryuji was no longer the subject of his attention. “Not in a bad way, I think he's just excited and confused.” He held his phone up for Ryuji to see. It was a lot of capslock and question marks and a few heart emojis. 

Ryuji looked at his own phone and it was pretty much the same.

He typed up a quick reply to Ren, still rendered verbally speechless by Mishima's idea of a kiss between friends.

> **Ryuji:** It was just a quick thing as a joke except then he REALLY KISSED ME???  
>  **Ryuji:** And now idk what do do???

He could hear Mishima's phone buzzing, so he sat back and waited for Ren to be done with him. Mishima was smiling like an idiot at his phone the whole time. He finally looked up at Ryuji just sitting there. 

“You okay? Was that too much? You… look upset.” His brows furrowed and he searched Ryuji's face for an answer.

Ryuji just sighed.

“Nah, I'm not… upset. I'm, uh, confused? I mean I just kissed you as a joke, but--” He could immediately tell he had used the wrong choice of words and Mishima looked like he had just had the wind kicked out of him. Like a hurt puppy. Ryuji scrambled to correct himself. “Not--! Not a joke! Not a joke! That was the wrong word, I'm so sorry-- Like, Ren is always like _kiss Yuuki for me_! Every time he knows we're hangin’ out and… honestly I was just lookin’ for an excuse to do it, but-- Now it's weird, huh?” He fidgeted with his phone in his lap. Ren still hadn't responded. He wondered if he was in trouble.

“You wanted an excuse? To kiss me?” Mishima spoke slowly, like he was still thinking this through. 

“I mean, yeah?” Ryuji groaned to himself and rubbed his face with his free hand. “I sorta… like you, I think, and I don't even know if I'm _allowed_ to do that cuz of Ren, and I dunno if he's gonna be mad or… I dunno. I'm just messin’ shit up.” 

“He's not mad.” Mishima handed Ryuji his phone, still open to his texts with Ren.

> **Ren:** HE KISSED YOU???  
>  **Ren:** YUUKI PLEASE ANSWER ME WTF IS GOING ON?  
>  **Ren:** YUUKI, LOVE OF MY LIFE, PLEASE.  
>  **Mishima:** i kissed him more :p  
>  **Ren:** YOU??? KISSED HIM???????? WHAT DO YOU MEAN MORE?  
>  **Mishima:** He barely kissed me so I got a better one!  
>  **Ren:** Oh my god.  
>  **Ren:** OH MY GOD.  
>  **Ren:** Morgana is looking at me like I'm insane.  
>  **Ren:** He's looking at me like oh god Ren has finally snapped. I'm fucking SHAKING.  
>  **Mishima:** Are you ok??? lol  
>  **Ren:** Actually really good! This is just really cute and I don’t know what to do with myself.  
>  **Ren:** You're both so cute and I love you, and I told you he probably liked you back, but you didn't believe me.  
>  **Mishima:** I don't know if he likes me haha  
>  **Ren:** He just KISSED you!  
>  **Mishima:** I know but like in a friend way  
>  **Ren:** You sound like me before I started dating him, and you know what that means!  
>  **Mishima:** oh god ok yeah  
>  **Mishima:** he looks sad let me do damage control for my stupidity  
>  **Ren:** Kiss him a few more times and he'll be fine lol. 

Ryuji's eyes widened as he read and Mishima reached for his phone back. 

“Likes you _back_?” was all he managed to say, fingers brushing Mishima's as he took his phone. 

“I like you. I told Ren that a while ago because I didn't know what to do. He said if you were getting touchy with me, you probably liked me too, but I thought you were just lonely… I was fine with that. Cuz I didn’t really wanna ruin anything with my feelings. If you just needed someone to help you feel less alone then I could do that for you.”

“What, you think I’ve just been usin’ you cuz I don’t have Ren here?” Ryuji had thought this over enough times in his own head to come to the conclusion that that wasn’t the case, but he knew it was an easy assumption to make. 

“Yeah. I guess so.” Mishima shrugged like it was nothing. 

“No, it ain’t like that at all. That’s… that’d be mean. To get your hopes up like that.” 

“Maybe. I mean, I didn’t have an issue with it, but… If you do like me…” He was smiling down at his lap, rubbing a thumb over the back of his phone. 

“I do. I’m just an idiot about this kinda shit.” Ryuji leaned closer to him, touching shoulders. 

“That’s what Ren said too.” Mishima leaned against him. 

“Hey!” Ryuji shoved against him, but underestimated his strength and nearly knocked Mishima off the bed. “Shit, sorry.” He pulled him back in close by his arm and held him there against him. “This is just all new to me, okay? All my crushes back in middle school were one-sided and pointless, I never… got crushes on anyone I was actually close with, so I never had to do all this guesswork or figure out the rules. It was just girls at school I thought were cute.” 

Mishima put his head on Ryuji’s shoulder and he felt all the tension in his body melt away. 

“No more guesswork, then. Just tell me how you feel and I’ll do the same.” He grabbed Ryuji’s arm and put it around himself. For someone so shy, Ryuji was learning that Mishima could be very forceful when there was something he wanted. And being the thing he wanted was exciting. 

“Deal.” Ryuji tightened his grip on him and hovered close to his face, trying to figure out if it would be weird to kiss him again so soon. Thankfully, he didn’t have to make the decision himself and Mishima did the work for him. In his fantasies, Mishima had been a shy kisser, who blushed and stammered every time you so much as kissed his cheek. Ryuji had been the one to lead all the kisses in his head, but the reality was much different. Mishima seemed comfortable being the one in control and all Ryuji had to do was follow his lead. His phone buzzed in his lap and he pulled back suddenly, Mishima quietly whining in protest. _Cute_ , he thought. 

Ren had finally given him a response. He laughed to himself when he read it.

> **Ren:** I think you’ll figure out what to do.

He decided to leave it for now, and instead turned his attention back to the boy next to him. 

“So, are we… D’you wanna… Make this official, or…?” He was cut off by Mishima leaning up and kissing him again, but he made it short this time. “Yeah?” Another kiss. “Yuuki--” Another. Ryuji laughed. “You wanna be my boyfriend or what?” He covered his own mouth so Mishima couldn’t kiss him again, but he couldn’t stop smiling. 

“I’d love that.” They were both smiling ear to ear with no signs of stopping. 

Mishima started giggling in response to Ryuji’s laughing and it took them a long time to settle down, since one would stop and the other would start up again. Finally, Ryuji just pulled Mishima down next to him on the bed and hugged him tight. That got them to both go quiet. Ryuji was more content than he had been in months. He hadn’t imagined this working out in a million years. 

He thought back on how he had seethed at Mishima’s very existence the year before. How he had wanted to pry him off Ren every time he saw them together. He couldn’t believe he had ever felt that way about the sweet, kind boy resting his head on his chest. He kissed his head in silent apology.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONGRATULATIONS TO THE HAPPY COUPLE
> 
> ryuji's theme in this fic is [delicate](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0i1o9lSUuI8) btw


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter hurt me to write
> 
> content warnings: abusive parents, panic attacks

Ren was happy his boyfriends were together. It was actually the most happiness he had felt at all since moving back home. His days all blended together in one gray blur, but seeing Ryuji and Mishima’s relationship unfold in front of him had really perked him up, if only for a few days. He wanted to hear all about it, to hear both of them gush to him about each other in private, to hear all the things they liked about each other, all the little new things they were learning. 

But when that initial wave of euphoria passed, he just felt lonely again. 

Thinking about Ryuji and Mishima hanging out together, feeling loved and kissing and hugging, had initially filled him with warmth, but he quickly grew cold again at the realization that he was stuck in his hole of a hometown, alone. He had two people back in the city who loved him and loved each other, and he couldn't reach them. He thought he might feel worse than ever.

He tuned them out for a few days, then a week, and by then Mishima was calling him on top of texting, expressing genuine concern. And he still didn't answer. Ryuji left him a loud voicemail and he cried at the sound of his voice, curled up in his bed in the dark. But he still couldn't make himself call back, or even send a text. He needed love and contact more than ever, but it felt unattainable. 

After two weeks of wallowing, he finally texted both of them. Nothing lengthy, just a lie that he had been really busy and tired and hadn't had the energy to keep up with anyone. He tried to sound casual. He told them both he loved and missed them. Mishima was mad at him for making him worry so much, but he quickly calmed down once he accepted that Ren hadn't been in some sort of freak accident and was, as far as he knew, okay.

It was almost summer break. That meant no school and nothing to do but rot in his bedroom or try to find work. But the town was so small that there was never anything to be done. He dreaded it even more than he dreaded going to school.

The week before break started, Ryuji texted him a picture of a ticket. A round trip from Tokyo to his hometown for one. He wanted to feel excited, but he was immediately overcome by anxiety.

>   
> **Ryuji:** look what I got! Surprisingly cheap and totally worth it. Can't wait to see u baby  
>  **Ren:** I, uh, really wish you would’ve told me first.   
> **Ryuji:** I wanted it to be a surprise!   
> **Ren:** Well it is.  
>  **Ren:** This is going to be complicated.  
>  **Ryuji:** Why???  
>  **Ren:** My parents.  
>  **Ryuji:** Oh shit. I totally forgot they suck  
>  **Ren:** Yeah.  
>  **Ryuji:** Well I can get a hotel or st right?  
>  **Ren:** Yeah there's ONE. No clue how pricey it is.  
>  **Ryuji:** Find out for me and I'll beg my mom cuz she looooves u   
> **Ren:** I can help. I still have some money my parents didn't confiscate.  
>  **Ryuji:** They took ur MONEY???  
>  **Ren:** They take everything if I don't hide it.  
>  **Ryuji:** Shit. I'm sorry man  
>  **Ryuji:** This'll be fun tho! I can't wait to see u  
>  **Ryuji:** Gonna kiss u and shit  
>  **Ryuji:** Maybe hold ur hand if I'm feelin feisty  
>  **Ren:** Haha yeah.  
>  **Ryuji:** It'll be ok babe. U can get excited   
> **Ren:** I'm trying.  
> 

Now he had to deal with arranging somewhere for Ryuji to stay. He was pushing it hiding a cat in his room. Hiding a person, especially one as loud as Ryuji, was out of the question. Then there was the issue of even being able to get out of the house to see him. He could lie about finding a part time job, but then his parents would want to see his pay, and if he was helping Ryuji pay for the hotel room, he couldn't produce his savings as proof. He could say he was meeting a friend from school, but there wasn't anyone at school who would cover for him, and his parents would want a name and the friend's parents’ names, and it would all be a huge ordeal. 

He could try and tell the truth. He could tell them a friend from the city was coming to see him on break. It might work, if Ryuji behaved and toned down his… everything. He knew his parents would hate him. The bleached hair and bad posture and loud mouth would immediately turn them way off and they weren't the type to come around to people. 

The only option seemed like having Ryuji over while they were both at work. They could probably leave for a while during that time, though there wasn't anything to do outside. 

He would have to make it work somehow. He wanted to see Ryuji more than he was anxious. He would be worth it. He kept telling himself that so he wouldn't impulsively tell Ryuji to get a refund and forget it. 

The day finally came. It was a long train ride, and it was evening by the time Ryuji was slated to arrive. Ren's parents were both still at work, but if they came home, he could just say he had gone for a walk or gone to get himself dinner. They had slowly been loosening their death grip on him, but he still had to be careful. 

He had been nervous all day. His hair was a hopeless mess these days and he had given up on styling it, so he just had it pushed to the side and pinned out of his face. He put on decent clothes. He barely ever wore anything but his school uniform anymore, so he'd had to dig them out from his closet. He wasn't sure why he was preoccupied with impressing _Ryuji_ , but he was. He didn't want him to see what a wreck he was. 

It wasn't until 5 minutes before the train arrived that he realized he should probably explain a few things. 

>   
> **Ren:** Hey.  
>  **Ren:** I know this is gonna hurt but please don't kiss me at the station.  
>  **Ren:** A hug is ok but not a long one.  
>  **Ryuji:** Oh :( ok  
>  **Ren:** Sorry.  
>  **Ren:** Also it's a long walk from the bus stop, will your leg be ok?  
>  **Ryuji:** Oh yeah it's been doin pretty good lately  
>  **Ren:** Good.  
>  **Ren:** Can't wait to see you.  
> 

When Ryuji stepped off the train, he almost didn't recognize him. He had planned on picking him out by his hair, but as he approached, he saw that he had stopped bleaching it. It had grown out enough that the bleached parts had been cut off completely. It was still cut close on the sides, but the longer part was no longer spiked up and instead flopped off to the side of his forehead. He looked very different. 

But the second Ren saw that smile, there was no mistaking him. 

Ryuji sprinted up to him and Ren could _see_ him holding himself back from jumping on him. Instead, he just put his arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug. Ren melted into it, forgoing his warning about long hugs in favor of putting his cheek on Ryuji's shoulder and shutting his eyes. 

“God I wanna kiss you so bad right now, but I'm bein’ good.” Ryuji mumbled by his ear. Ren almost threw that warning out the window as well, but he thought better of it and slowly pulled himself out of Ryuji's grasp. Ryuji held him at arm's length and examined him and Ren did the same. 

Besides the vastly different hair, Ryuji's arms also looked more toned and he looked like he had slimmed up a bit. He had mentioned getting back into working out, but Ren had forgotten it until now. 

“Your hair…” Ren sounded sadder than he meant to. 

“Oh, yeah, I guess I haven't really sent you any of my beautiful selfies lately. It was just too much to keep up with. Guess I kinda outgrew the stickin’ out thing.” He ran a hand through his own hair. “Look at you, though.” 

“Please don't.” Ren chuckled and pushed some loose hair behind his ear. 

“Too bad. I'm gonna look at you all I want. I came all this way just to look at your handsome face and tell you how handsome it is.” Ryuji put a hand to Ren's cheek for just a second, then pulled back. 

“I'm gonna put you back on that train.” Ren started walking out of the station and Ryuji followed behind. 

“Yeah right. You're gonna be all over me the second you can be. I'm callin’ it right now.” 

They made small talk while waiting for the bus, and for the entire bus ride. It felt like old times. If it weren't for the scenery around them, Ren would have felt like things were how they used to be. 

When they got off the bus, Ryuji took a long look around. 

“Damn, there really ain't shit out here, huh? You weren't kidding.” 

They were in the most populated area in town, and that really put it into perspective for Ren. If this was the sticks to Ryuji, Ren's neighborhood might as well be another planet entirely for how barren the area around it was. 

Ren just shrugged and gestured vaguely at the shops around them, then started walking. 

Ryuji caught up to him and bumped their hands together, but Ren pulled his away. He tried it again and got the same result. 

“You mad at me or somethin’?” Ryuji sounded almost hurt. 

“No. It's just… I told you we can't do stuff like that out here.” He couldn't hide the shame in his voice, and he couldn't look at Ryuji either. 

“You said we couldn't kiss. I can't hold your hand?” At least Ryuji had the sense to keep his voice down. 

“Sorry. It's… if someone sees and tells my parents…” 

“Oh.” Ren could feel the pain in Ryuji's tone and he hated it. 

“When we get to the hotel, I'm all yours. Promise.” He bumped his hand against Ryuji's to try and reassure him. 

The walk to the hotel took them longer than he expected, and by the time they checked in, Ryuji was wincing and starting to limp every few steps. Ren kept touching his arm to steady him and giving him reassuring looks while they waited for the elevator. He could tell Ryuji was trying to smile for him. 

They got into the room, and as soon as Ryuji sat down on the edge of the bed, Ren was leaning over him, arms around him, cheek against his hair. 

“All yours…” he mumbled. Ryuji's arms went around his waist and he put his head against his chest. It was an odd position, but he was just content to be with him. It finally started feeling sort of real. They just stood like that, holding onto each other tightly, for several minutes before Ren pulled himself away and sat next to Ryuji instead. 

“Can I kiss you now?” Ryuji leaned in closer to him and tilted his head, smirking. Ren knew he was only asking to tease him, but he just nodded and kissed him himself, one hand moving to his jaw. Ryuji's hand went to his side and held him there. 

The longer they kissed, the more desperate Ren felt. He knew he was lacking in physical affection since moving, but he really felt now just how much of a void had grown in him. Even now, he just felt empty and hollow, even with his boyfriend's lips against his. He felt like he might be permanently damaged by all this time in isolation. He should have felt warm, happy. 

Ryuji pulled back suddenly and Ren barely reacted. It wasn't until Ryuji thumbed at his cheek that he realized he had started crying. 

“Renren, it's okay. It's gonna be okay. Why're you crying?” Ryuji tried his best to wipe away Ren's tears, but they just kept coming. He gave up on that and just pulled him into a hug instead. Ren barely hugged back. Ryuji rubbed his back. “S’okay, baby. I'm here.” 

That just made him cry harder. Ryuji _was_ there and he should be happy, elated, but he wasn't. There was something wrong with him and he couldn't explain it. He didn't feel anything but emptiness. Slowly, it completely numbed him out and he stopped crying. He just sat with his cheek against Ryuji's shoulder in silence. 

Ryuji kissed his head and loosened his grip on him so he could sit up. He did, but wouldn't raise his eyes up from his lap. 

“You okay?” Ren nodded. “Good. Let's get some dinner, okay? My treat. Whatever you want. Mostly cuz I dunno what there is out here.” Ryuji moved so he could flop back on the bed and stretch out his legs and groaned in discomfort. 

“I'm not really… hungry. Is your leg okay?” His voice came out shaky and he cleared his throat to try and steady it. 

“Yeah, it'll be fine. Just need to stay off it tonight probably. We can get somethin’ delivered. You don't have to eat though. Or you can take some home.” Ryuji patted the spot next to him on the bed and Ren crawled over and laid down against his side. Ryuji pulled him close and kissed his head again. “Missed the hell outta you.” He pulled out his phone and opened the map. “Now tell me what there is to eat around here.” 

They ordered food and spent some time mindlessly watching TV together, Ren's head on Ryuji's chest while he played with his hair. He almost fell asleep, but remembered to check the time and start heading home before his parents got too suspicious. At least he had leftovers with him as an excuse for where he had gone. 

He lucked out and got home before they did, and by the time he heard them come in, he had showered and was sitting down in his room to finally eat his dinner. His mom barely peeked into his room to make sure he was home, then he was left alone. 

He woke up early the next morning so he could leave the house as soon as the coast was clear. When he got back to the hotel, he let himself into the room only to find Ryuji still thoroughly unconscious. He must have been tired from the long trip, and it was still early. 

Ren hesitated, but carefully pulled the covers back enough to slip under them. Ryuji barely opened his eyes and briefly looked annoyed at being woken up, but then smiled when he registered that it was Ren doing the waking. He opened his arms and Ren settled into them, faces close. 

“G’mornin’...” Ryuji kissed him softly and Ren kissed back despite his morning breath. He ran a hand through his hair, marveling at how soft it was without the damage from bleach or ton of product he usually put in it. Ryuji sleepily laughed at his fascination with it. “Y’like it?” 

“Suits you once you get past the shock of it.” He gave it one final pass through with his fingers then pulled his hand back to himself. Ryuji shut his eyes again, and Ren thought he had fallen back asleep until he spoke. 

“You feelin’ better today?” 

“Yeah… Thanks. I think I just got… overwhelmed. I don’t know.” He did feel better after sleeping and having some time to adjust and deal with his feelings in private. He would give himself some time to get used to having Ryuji around and see how he felt then. He could only hope it would start feeling more normal again. 

“Love you, Renren.” Ryuji barely opened his eyes again, smiling sweetly. 

Ren felt his heart flutter at that, and took it as a good sign. He smiled back and kissed Ryuji again. And then again. Ryuji barely laughed against him, and pulled him in even closer. 

Ryuji was eventually roused out of bed by Ren promising him breakfast. They sat in at a small diner and had arguably shitty coffee that made Ren miss Leblanc. He barely ever drank the stuff anymore now that he lacked the equipment to really make it himself. It just wasn’t the same. 

After breakfast, they walked around some shops and Ren felt increasingly embarrassed that there was so little to do. It made him feel like a bad host, even though he knew it wasn’t his fault that he lived in such a barren town. He was nervous even being out in public with Ryuji, fearing someone who knew his parents would mention it to them and he’d have to explain who he was out with and why it wasn’t someone they knew and why he didn’t tell them he had a friend visiting, and it would just spiral into a big guilt trip and commentary on what a bad son he was. He didn’t need that. 

The thought terrified him and his mood sunk. Ryuji noticed and tried to put an arm around his waist while they walked, but he moved away, which only made him feel worse. He knew this wasn’t what Ryuji had in mind when he planned to visit and he wished he could do something about it, but he felt like everything was out of his control. 

He was on the edge of an anxiety attack by the time they went back to the hotel at his insistence and he had to just sit on the bed and hunch over, covering his face and trying to get his breathing straight. Ryuji came over and tried to put his arm around him again, but he leaned away from him. 

“What’s goin’ on with you?” Ryuji sounded just irritated enough that it set Ren off worse and he tightened his posture more. He knew Ryuji probably wasn’t really mad. He was probably just projecting. But the edge in his voice was enough for his imagination to run away with. “Ren, seriously. What are you so upset about? Do you not want me here or somethin’?” 

Ren couldn’t respond. His brain was moving way too fast for him to single out any one response and all of his energy was going into making sure he could breathe. Ryuji sat next to him silently while he tried and failed to compose himself. 

“Talk to me. Please. If I’m doin’ something wrong, just tell me.” His tone was softer now, less annoyed, and Ren let himself slowly lean over against him and be held. 

“You’re not. I’m just. Freaking out.” He uncovered his face and leaned his head on Ryuji’s chest, eyes shut. His breathing was still coming out shaky and uneven. 

“Hey, breathe, it’s okay. You’re okay.” Ren nodded and tried to take deeper breaths. He eventually managed to even them out and sat up straight, looking down at the floor with unfocused eyes. 

“I wish this was better. I know this isn’t what you wanted. I’m sorry.” 

“What are you talking about?” Ryuji reached for one of his hands and held it between both of his on his thigh. 

“It’s just boring here and there’s nothing to do, we can’t even go to my house and you’re paying for this stupid hotel room and I can’t even be with you most of the time. You’re just going to be sitting here alone with nothing to do while I get imprisoned by my parents and they make me feel like shit and if we go out somewhere I just _know_ someone’s going to see us and tell them and they’ll _kill me_ \--” 

“Ren. Breathe.” 

He took a deep breath and nodded. 

“You’re going to be disappointed. You’re going to get tired of me being depressed and boring and not want to be with me anymore. I’m not… Joker anymore, I’m just… Me, and… I’m out here alone like this, I can’t do anything. I can’t even make this _fun_ for you, fuck, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He hated himself for crying again. Ryuji had been here for a day and a half and he’d already broken down on him twice. Maybe it was better if he was alone if this was how he was going to act around other people. 

Ryuji gathered him into his arms and stroked his hair and let him cry it out. He didn’t say a word until Ren had mostly calmed down again. 

“I didn’t come here for some fancy vacation. I came here cuz I missed you and I wanted to see you. And yeah, this is a little weird, but it’s not _your_ fault. If anything, it’s mine cuz I wanted to be all sneaky about shit and not talk to you about it first. You could’ve told me it’d be like this. And I still would’ve wanted to come, cuz seeing you at all is better than nothing. Do you want me here?” Ren nodded against his shoulder frantically and clung to his shirt tighter. “Then I wanna be here. I love you.” Ryuji nuzzled his head. “I’ve told you a hundred times you’re not gettin’ rid of me.” 

“I love you so much.” Ren whimpered into his shoulder. 

“It's gonna be fine. I don't mind hangin’ out here. Or I can go out and walk around if I get antsy. Go buy Yuuki a stupid souvenir.” Ryuji laughed. “I dunno what I'd get him though. Maybe I'll just pick up a rock and bring it to him.” 

“He'd be so confused. But he'd try to act grateful anyway. I can see it now.” Ren managed to smile at the mental image. “ _Um, thanks Ryuji, it's great_!” He did his best Mishima impression. “Then you'd be like _Dude, it's a rock_.” He laughed at his own joke, muffling the noise against his boyfriend. 

“You're so effin’ stupid sometimes, man.” Ryuji sighed and patted his back before pulling away from him. “Glad you're feelin’ better though. Yuuki wanted to come, but his parents wouldn't go for it. Didn't want him travelin’ out here without supervision. Apparently I don't count. But they don't like him hangin’ out with me anyway.” 

“I didn't know that.” Ren laid back sideways across the bed with his feet still on the floor. 

“Yeah.” Ryuji flopped over next to him. “My reputation precedes me. Always a troublemaker, even when I keep my nose outta shit. I don't even talk to anybody at school anymore really except for him and Ann but everybody acts like I'm bad news anyway. Funny how they give a shit who he's hangin’ out with now, but when he was gettin’ beat up every day, they turned a blind eye. Figures.” 

“I always had to sneak around when I'd go over there. He told me his parents are weird. Didn't want anyone over and got really strict after he quit volleyball. Like they were mad about it. I've never even met them.” 

“I met 'em once. We were out gettin’ dinner and ran into 'em. They started grillin’ him in public about me and he just kinda shut down. Told him to stay away from me and made him leave with them. Sucked. Made me feel real great. I almost went off right there but Yuuki kept givin’ me this look like he was warning me not to.” 

“Sounds like my parents.” Ren sighed. “I thought about just telling them the truth, that a friend from the city was coming to visit and I wanted to spend time with you, but I know they'd grill me. And they'd take one look at you and decide they didn't like you.” 

“I get that a lot.” 

“I know, and you don't deserve it.” 

Ryuji looked saddened by that. Ren leaned over and kissed his forehead. 

“Thanks. It's been almost two years since that asshole attacked me, and everyone's still treatin’ me the same. I thought once we took care of him, things would change, but they never did. Me and Ann and Yuuki are still the odd men out all the time. If Suzui hadn't transferred out, she'd be in the same boat, I'm sure. I just wanna graduate and get outta there. Get an apartment with you and Yuuki. Build a normal life.” 

“You…Want to get an apartment together…?” As much as Ren was suffering in the present, he hadn't dared to fantasize about the future. Anything he could think of felt far away and unattainable. It felt pointless. The idea that Ryuji had included him in his future at all made him feel special. 

“Yeah! I mean I just assumed you'd wanna come back. I know you don't wanna be _here_. And we all miss you. Boss'd probably let you have the attic back until we could find a place. Or hell, my mom would let you move in with us if you don't mind bein’ packed in. We could just get a little place. Somethin’ cozy. Come home to each other every night.” Ryuji turned his head to look at Ren and grinned. “You're _blushin’_.” 

“I'm not.” He was. “You've thought about this a lot.” 

“Yeah, it uh, keeps me goin’. A lot of the time. To think we have some sort of future together. That it won't always be hard. Y'know?” 

Ren just nodded. He prayed Ryuji's optimism would rub off on him. He needed to be able to dream like that if he was going to survive. 

The next few days were mostly the same. Ren would get up early and do whatever his parents expected of him that day and then trek out to the hotel to spend time with Ryuji. They mostly stayed inside, but Ryuji never complained about it and seemed perfectly content to cuddle and watch whatever they could catch on TV. They took a few selfies together for the sake of memories. 

Ren miraculously avoided being confronted by his parents. He made sure to have some bags with him if he was going to be coming in late so he could claim he just went to run errands or get some groceries. Once he got past the stress of sneaking around, he felt better. 

Ryuji did have to go home though, and he didn't want to confront the idea of going back to his total isolation. He didn't want to cry again, not in front of him anyway. He managed to keep it to some sniffling and major spacing out instead the whole time they waited for the train. 

They had done their emotional goodbyes and kissing before leaving the hotel, so they only hugged tightly before Ryuji reluctantly boarded the train. 

And Ren was left standing there alone. 

He didn't cry until he got home, hugging a hoodie Ryuji had left with him and feeling like he was really, truly going to finally fall apart for good.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter, like the last one, also hurt my feelings to write, but I swear after this it gets much much happier for the remainder of the fic. 
> 
> Thank you for 2,000 hits!

Ryuji's mom was out late, so he and Mishima had the apartment to themselves. They were snuggled up on the couch under a blanket with some TV show neither of them really cared about on in the background mostly for noise. 

Ryuji was on his phone and Mishima was tucked against his chest, between his legs so they were both half-sitting-half-laying across the couch. They had eaten dinner Mishima picked up on the way over, and now they were both full and warm and sleepy. Ryuji's free hand idly ran fingers through Mishima's hair, definitely messing it up, but it was out of love. 

Mishima craned his neck up and looked like he wanted to say something, but just met Ryuji's eyes and then looked away. 

“What's up?” Ryuji smiled down at him and ruffled his hair roughly. Mishima barely smiled back in response and then lowered his head to rest his cheek on Ryuji's chest again. He didn't respond to his probing so Ryuji went back to looking at his phone.

After a few minutes more of silence, Mishima spoke up, sounding nervous.

“Hey, um…” He didn't lift his head up, but Ryuji tilted his down to look at him expectantly. “When… um, when Ren comes back… is it…” He seemed to be having trouble getting the words out. Ryuji moved his hand down from his head to rub his shoulder with the palm of his hand. “When Ren comes back, is it just going to be you and him…?” 

It took a second for the words to process and Ryuji made a few confused noise before it hit him and his eyes widened. 

“What, like… like we're gonna break up with you and just date each other?” He waited for a response, but Mishima just barely nodded against him and shut his eyes tightly. “What? Yuuki… Why would we do that?” Mishima didn't answer. “I love you. D’you love me?” A pause, then another small nod. “Then why would we break up?” 

Mishima took a deep shaky breath to steady himself, then opened his eyes but didn't move. 

“Cuz you and Ren… you're like… you fit together really well and I'm just… I'm just here. He wanted you first.” His voice just kept getting quieter. 

“So you-- what--” Ryuji stammered out of frustration. “Ren _loves_ you. You know that, right?” Mishima didn't answer. “Hey, right?” Silence punctuated by a quiet sniffle. “You think he doesn't love you...?” 

Mishima shrugged and Ryuji sank down against the arm of the couch lower so they were closer to eye-level with each other, but Mishima kept his face hidden, pulling the blanket and his arm up closer to himself. Ryuji stroked his hair while he thought. 

He had selfishly never really stopped to consider what Mishima and Ren's relationship might be like now that they were all together. He assumed it would be an even playing field. Apparently, that had been a mistake. They had all had a talk back before Ren moved away, when it had just been Ren dating the both of them, about jealousy and the necessity of open communication in such a set-up, but it had never really come up again. Ryuji had made another wrong assumption in thinking that meant it wasn't an issue. He looked down at Mishima resting on his chest and felt a tug at his heart. He had been hurting and Ryuji hadn't even noticed. Some boyfriend he was. 

“Hey…” he brushed the hair back from his forehead gently, tracing his fingers over an old scar there. “Talk to me, okay?” 

There was more silence, but then Mishima sniffled and nodded. 

“S-sorry, I, um… I should, I know.” He rubbed his eye with a blanket covered hand. “I just thought if I didn't bring it up I could force it to not happen or I could pretend I was blindsided when I got left out and it would just be inevitable or… something.” He took a shaky breath. “I guess I know Ren loves me, or at least loved me at some point, but he… I could tell, when we started dating, he was like… hung up on you. And it hurt. And I never told him that. Cuz I was just happy to be with him.” 

Ryuji didn't know what to say, he just looked down at Mishima with what he hoped came across as concern. Mishima didn't seem to be finished, so he just stayed quiet and tried to process what he was hearing. Eventually, he continued.

“And I thought I was fine with you two being together as long as he didn't leave me, and I still am, but then all that shit happened and he moved and… I feel like you got lonely, and… just…” He buried his face against Ryuji harder and Ryuji could feel wetness even through his shirt. “I-I-- I feel like the second you can actually really _be_ together, I'm…” 

Ryuji exhaled hard. “ _God_ , Yuuki, what… what the hell? You should've talked to us about this… Jesus…” Mishima made a choked sobbing noise. “I'm not mad. I'm not mad at you, okay?” His tone turned more gentle. “I just… I… am I doin’ somethin’ wrong? To make you think I don't love you? Do I gotta like… buy you roses and shit? Cuz I will, if that's what you want, I'll do whatever you need me to do, I just don't want you thinkin’ I don't give a shit, that I'm-- I'm _usin’_ you cuz I'm _lonely_.” 

Mishima kept making barely audible whimpers while he cried, and Ryuji scooped him closer to himself, pulling him up so his face was against his neck. 

“You're breakin’ my heart right now…” Ryuji leaned his cheek against Mishima's head and shut his eyes. “We both _love_ you. You're not… not just some _thing_ for us to use for a substitute for each other, you're-- you're a _person_.” His voice broke and he stopped talking to try and regain his composure. He was feeling too many emotions at once-- anger, disbelief, deep deep sadness. He sighed into Mishima’s hair. “I know Ren loves you. Y’know how I know that? Cuz I saw it. Back when you first got together, he’d give you these… these looks, these eyes, like you were the most amazing thing he ever saw and he’d get kinda dazed when he’d talk about you.” 

He thought over his next words carefully, and then decided they were necessary.

“I’m gonna admit somethin’ and it’s gonna make me sound like an asshole, but… I used to be so mad at you. Back before I really knew you, before we were friends. Cuz he was so into you and I was so jealous. Every time he’d give you one of those looks, I’d feel sick cuz I wished he was lookin’ at me like that--”

Mishima suddenly jolted up, narrowly avoiding headbutting Ryuji right in the jaw. He looked… angry? Exasperated. 

“He-- he _was_ looking at you like that! All the time! Every time I saw you together he was giving you these-- these doe eyes and-- touching you and hanging all over you!” He lowered his eyes with a shaky sob. “Even when we started dating, he’d keep, like, leaning on you and holding onto your arm and-- I couldn’t say anything cuz you were there first, who was _I_ to tell him how to be around his best friend, I-- he didn’t _want_ me, he just wanted _someone_ cuz he couldn’t have _you_!” He was breathing in shaky, wet gasps, barely getting in any air at all from how hard he was crying. 

Ryuji hugged him tighter to his chest and pressed his head back down. He didn’t fight it, and after a moment of adjustment moved his arms to wrap around his neck and cling to him. 

“Jesus… D’you really…” Ryuji tried to keep his tone calm, but he was struggling and an edge of anger kept creeping back in. He swallowed and tried again. “D’you love me?” He knew he was repeating himself. Mishima nodded. “D’you love Ren?” He nodded again, harder this time. “Then why can’t Ren love me and still love you too?” 

“Cuz I don’t-- I’m not--” He was crying too hard to speak. Ryuji stroked his hair and patiently waited for him to take some breaths. “I’m not like-- not like you. I don’t… You’re his best friend.” 

“You’re his best friend too now. He tells you everything, right? Shares his life with you? Wants you around cuz he likes havin’ you there. That’s all that is. It ain't some… exclusive label.” Mishima frantically shook his head. “No? No what? You don’t think so?” He kept shaking his head. “There’s nothin’ between me and Ren that you don’t have too. Stop shakin’ your head, _listen to me_!” He didn’t mean to raise his voice, but he did, and immediately knew he had messed up. 

Mishima flinched and went completely still, tensing up hard in his arms and waiting for an impact that wasn’t coming. 

“Shit. I’m not mad. S’okay, babe, shhh… I’m not mad at you. You’re okay.” He rubbed his back and kissed the top of his head, leaving his lips pressed there until he felt him start to relax. “What can I tell you that’s gonna make you feel okay?” No answer. “I love you so much.” He kissed his head again. “Okay?” He made a quiet noise, somewhere between a sob and a hum and nodded. “‘Kay. Good. You want some water?” He nodded again.

Ryuji gently nudged him off of him and he went and settled at the other end of the couch, head on the armrest and cocooned into the blanket with his knees pulled up. He looked terrible, eyes swollen and face wet and nose red. Ryuji brushed a hand over his hair as he walked by on his way to the kitchen. 

He had to lean over on the counter and take some shaky breaths. He felt sick. All this time, he thought things were fine and dandy and Mishima had just been _suffering_ through it all. Like he was just his and Ren’s plaything. A third wheel. It had never even crossed his mind that something like this was going on and he felt so so fucking stupid. But he was going to deal with it now. 

He brought Mishima a glass of water, but by the time he got back into the living room, he found him sound asleep and decided not to disturb him. He sat on the floor so he wouldn’t wake him and took out his phone to text Ren.

* * *

>   
>  **Ryuji:** Text ur bf and tell him u love him  
>  **Ryuji:** Right now  
>  **Ren:** Uh, I love you? Dork.  
>  **Ryuji:** Not me dumbass  
>  **Ren:** You want my love or not? That's not very nice of you.  
>  **Ryuji:** Ren I'm bein serious  
>  **Ryuji:** I'm rly freakin out we rly might have to call this off  
>  **Ryuji:** Like all 3 of us  
>  **Ren:** What are you talking about?  
>  **Ryuji:** Yuuki just told me like some rly messed up shit like  
>  **Ryuji:** I'm heartbroken  
>  **Ryuji:** Like my chest hurts I'm just so  
>  **Ryuji:** God  
>  **Ren:** Is he ok? What's going on?  
>  **Ryuji:** He fell asleep so idk  
>  **Ryuji:** Not my place to tell u what he told me cuz I think u need to talk to him urself  
>  **Ryuji:** But I just rly think he needs to hear that u love him  
>  **Ryuji:** Maybe me n u should've never got together  
>  **Ryuji:** He's hurting so much and I didn't even KNOW  
>  **Ryuji:** I'm so stupid  
>  **Ren:** Hey take some deep breaths.  
>  **Ren:** I'll talk to him ok? It'll be ok.  
>  **Ryuji:** Idk if it will this time  
>  **Ryuji:** I can’t breathe Ren I feel sick  
>  **Ryuji:** Wtf am I supposed to do  
>  **Ren:** I’m gonna text him.  
>  **Ryuji:** I tell him I love him n he just shakes his head like  
>  **Ryuji:** I suck I rly suck I’m so bad at this he doesn’t even think I love him  
>  **Ryuji:** I yelled at him  
>  **Ryuji:** I KNOW he can’t handle bein yelled at and I yelled  
>  **Ren:** Ryuji.  
>  **Ren:** Breathe, babe.  
>  **Ryuji:** I’m tryin  
>  **Ryuji:** I love him so much  
>  **Ren:** I know. He knows.  
>  **Ryuji:** He doesn’t!!!!  
>  **Ryuji:** I’m sry  
>  **Ryuji:** I’m jus gonna like take a bath or st idk  
>  **Ryuji:** He’s sleepin  
>  **Ren:** Ok :(  
>  **Ren:** Well, I love you. If we’re making sure we all know.  
>  **Ryuji:** Ily2  
> 

* * *

When Mishima woke up, Ryuji wasn’t with him. He weakly called his name, but he didn’t get a response. His head was pounding, but he slowly rolled onto his back and fished his phone out of his pocket with some effort. He had a few texts from Ren. Great. 

>   
>  **Ren:** Hey sugar.  
>  **Ren:** You wanna talk?  
>  **Ren:** I love you so much. I’m so grateful every single day that I have you in my life. You make me so happy. You’re always supporting and loving me and making sure I know you’re there for me, and I don’t thank you enough for that.  
>  **Ren:** You remember when you just came over and held me for hours the night before we went into Sae-san’s palace for the last time? That meant so much to me. I was so scared, but you just held me and kept me safe and I felt like right then, things were okay because you were there.  
>  **Ren:** My Yuuki… My sweet boy. You mean the whole world to me.  
>  **Mishima:** Hey sory I was taking a nap  
>  **Ren:** It’s ok! How you feeling?  
>  **Mishima:** I’m fine, I was just sleepy :)  
>  **Ren:** I don’t think so, sweetie.  
>  **Mishima:** Great, so how much did Ryuji tell you?  
>  **Ren:** Not a lot.  
>  **Ren:** Just mostly that you were really upset. That he’s really upset. That you might want some affirmations of my undying eternal love and affection for you.  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah  
>  **Mishima:** I mean if he tells you to say it what’s it matter  
>  **Ren:** Hey :(  
>  **Mishima:** Sorry  
>  **Ren:** It’s ok. I know you’re really hurt. Please talk to me though.  
>  **Mishima:** I’m just gonna fuck everything up more  
>  **Ren:** Nothing’s fucked up. Ryuji and I just love you and when you’re sad it makes us sad.  
>  **Mishima:** You and Ryuji love each other  
>  **Ren:** Yeah? And?  
>  **Mishima:** And nothing  
>  **Ren:** I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.  
>  **Mishima:** When you come back in the spring what happens to us  
>  **Ren:** “Us” as in?  
>  **Mishima:** Me and you  
>  **Ren:** Uh, well, first of all I’ll probably hug you so tight you can’t breathe the first time I see you cuz I sure miss you.  
>  **Ren:** And second of all, I’ve been thinking about taking you somewhere really nice when I can afford it, cuz I realized I never really took you on a super nice date. We’re just too chill for that I guess and you can throw us a burger or two each and some cuddling and we’re set lol.  
>  **Ren:** But, uh, I don’t really know what you mean. Or I guess I do, but you and I are not on the same page on that one.  
>  **Mishima:** Ren  
>  **Ren:** That’s me :)  
>  **Mishima:** You can just be with Ryuji it’s ok  
>  **Ren:** Ok, thanks for your blessing, but that’s not what I want, so I’m not gonna.  
>  **Mishima:** Stop making jokes  
>  **Mishima:** Stop forcing yourself to stick around me  
>  **Ren:** I’m making jokes because of anxiety, but I’ll stop, I’m sorry. I’m not doing that second thing, so no worries. Not once have I felt forced to be with you, in any capacity.  
>  **Mishima:** Ryuji was your first choice, it’s never gonna be me  
>  **Ren:** You’re both my first choice. That’s why I’m dating both of you.  
>  **Mishima:** When you started dating me you were in love with him  
>  **Ren:** And you.  
>  **Ren:** Well, I mean I wasn’t in love with you before we started dating, but I had a huge crush on you. And now I am most definitely in love with you.  
>  **Mishima:** Can you stop lying to me I can’t take it  
>  **Ren:** Not lying, baby.  
>  **Ren:** You don’t think I love you?  
>  **Mishima:** I don’t know  
>  **Ren:** I do, really. I know I’m far away right now, so I can’t show you as much as I want to, but I think about you almost constantly. I fall asleep wanting to be with you. When I’m sad, I think about you, or I text you and when you talk to me I don’t feel as sad anymore.  
>  **Ren:** That’s love, right?  
>  **Ren:** Just because I love Ryuji doesn’t mean I don’t also love you. Do you not love Ryuji because you love me?  
>  **Mishima:** He asked me that too  
>  **Mishima:** I love you both so bad it hurts  
>  **Mishima:** That’s why I want you to be happy with each other  
>  **Ren:** Neither of us is going to be happy without you. You’re a necessary part of the equation, for both of us.  
>  **Ren:** This isn’t… Like three separate relationships removed from each other entirely. They’re tangled together, we can’t just remove one and expect it to be fine. Does that make sense?  
>  **Mishima:** I guess  
>  **Ren:** Sorry, it’s hard to explain. I’m trying.  
>  **Ren:** Like if me and you broke up, would you be happy just being with Ryuji?  
>  **Mishima:** No  
>  **Ren:** Why?  
>  **Mishima:** Because I love you  
>  **Ren:** Hehe :)  
>  **Ren:** That made me smile. Anyway,  
>  **Ren:** I wouldn’t be happy like that either. Even if I was still dating Ryuji, I would be sad because I wouldn’t have you too. And Ryuji would be sad because you and I would be sad, because he loves us and wants us to be happy.  
>  **Ren:** The point is that we LOVE you so, so much.  
>  **Ren:** I don’t think I ever told you, but when Ryuji came and visited me that time, he was all lit up talking about you. Super cute. It was the first time I’d seen him since you two got together, and he was like all smiling and blushing and telling me all the things he thinks are cute about you.  
>  **Ren:** That boy loves you. And he is so torn up right now, I think you should give him a big big hug.  
>  **Ren:** You there, baby?  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah I’m sorry I’m  
>  **Mishima:** Like crying really hard sorry  
>  **Ren:** No it’s ok :(  
>  **Ren:** I’m sorry I made you cry.  
>  **Ren:** I was trying to make you feel better.  
>  **Mishima:** I know, I do I think  
>  **Mishima:** It’s just a lot  
>  **Ren:** Yeah.  
>  **Mishima:** Ryuji just came back hold on  
>  **Ren:** Take your time. Love you.  
> 

****

* * *

Ryuji reappeared with damp hair and a towel around his shoulders. He leaned over the back of the couch and Mishima immediately sat up and hugged him, pulling him over more. 

“Hey-- Lemme-- Ugh, hold on. Lemme come around, my leg--” Mishima released him and he walked around to sit next to him and return the embrace. “There. S’better, huh?” Mishima nodded and pressed a brief kiss to his shoulder. “You don’t look like you’re feelin’ much better.” 

“I am, I think, just… overwhelmed.” His voice was steadier now, though he was still sniffling and a few tears were still trickling down onto the towel on Ryuji’s shoulder. “I love you, I’m sorry. For not listening, and just… everything.” 

“I’m sorry I yelled. I was just really upset, y’know? Like, I love you so much and I’ve been hurtin’ you all this time like a big idiot cuz I didn’t even know what was goin’ on, I thought everything was fine just cuz I was fine.” He sat up and held Mishima’s upper arms loosely. “But you gotta talk to me when you’re upset, okay? I’m not as smart as Ren. I’m not, like, perceptive and shit. I care, but I gotta know there’s somethin’ wrong to be carin’ about.” 

Ryuji reached over to a box of tissues and started blotting at Mishima’s cheeks, being extra gentle with how swollen his eyes were. 

“I must look terrible.” Mishima barely laughed, but the smile stayed on his face, eyes cast down between them while Ryuji tried to clean him up. 

“Nah. My handsome man.” He kissed his cheek. “Can you believe I used to think I didn’t like dudes? Hell’s wrong with me?” 

“D’you want, like, a list, or…?” Mishima was really smiling now, though it was becoming more of a smirk. 

“Hey!” Ryuji feigned offense, though he couldn’t stop grinning. “I’m bein’ nice to you right now, asshole.” 

He leaned in and kissed Mishima, though neither of them could really stop laughing enough to kiss properly and ended up just sort of bumping noses and then resting their foreheads together. 

“Y’know, you gotta say somethin’ nice to me to make up for bein’ so mean. That’s how that works.” Ryuji put a hand to Mishima’s jaw and thumbed along the edge of it. Mishima gently held his wrist there. 

“Oh, hmm.” His eyes flicked up to the ceiling in an expression of concentration. 

“Don’t act like you gotta think so hard!” Ryuji gently shook his head with his hand and Mishima burst into even harder laughter. 

“God, okay, stop shaking me! You, uh, you have a really bright smile. It’s one of the first things I noticed about you, like, back in middle school. Then when we started hanging out more last year I noticed it again and, uh, it kinda gave me butterflies real bad. Still does.” Ryuji could feel his face heating up under his palm and see the coloration change. He leaned in and kissed him properly this time, soft and sweet and trying to convey just how much he really loved him. He felt tears hit the hand he still had on his face and pulled back. 

“Hey… What’s wrong?” He thumbed the tears away and cupped his cheeks with both hands. 

“No, no, I’m-- I’m okay, I’m just, um, happy. Sorry, I’m just crying at everything today, I guess.” He sniffled but then laughed to himself. 

“If it’s happy tears, cry as much as you want. Sad tears we gotta talk about.” 

Ryuji pulled away and stretched before settling back against his corner of the couch and motioning Mishima back over. He scooted over and paused, then settled down with his head on Ryuji’s lap. Ryuji shifted to accommodate him more comfortably and started stroking his hair again, like he had been earlier. Mishima shut his eyes and sighed. 

“Hey, babe?” Mishima didn’t open his eyes, just made a little mm in response. “We’re okay, right? No more hidin’ shit? You feel okay?” 

“Yeah. I feel okay.” 

“I love you.” 

“I love you tooooo.” He drew out the last word and sighed again happily. 

“And you believe me when I say that, right? You’re not just tryin’ to pacify me so I shut up?” 

“I believe you. But I also want you to shut up, cuz I’m sleepy.” 

Ryuji let out a sharp laugh at that and gently tugged on a small fistful of his hair, which got an annoyed whine. 

“Take a nap. My mom’s gonna be home soon but I’ll try to keep her quiet. Wouldn’t want to disturb her precious Yuuki-kun’s naptime.” 

“I’love yr’mom.” Mishima mumbled and nuzzled his cheek against Ryuji’s thigh. 

“I’ll let her know.” 

Mishima was out like a light and Ryuji was left trapped under his head, so he thought he might as well check in with Ren again instead of mindlessly staring at the TV. 

>   
>  **Ryuji:** Hey  
>  **Ren:** Hi!  
>  **Ryuji:** What’re u so excited for  
>  **Ren:** I’m always excited when you text me :(  
>  **Ren:** Also I’m worried about both of you, so I was sitting here staring at my phone.  
>  **Ryuji:** We’re ok  
>  **Ren:** Yeah?  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah  
>  **Ren:** How’s my precious boy?  
>  **Ryuji:** I’m good  
>  **Ren:** You know what I MEAN.  
>  **Ryuji:** Ouch  
>  **Ren:** Yeah you’re definitely fine if you’re gonna be like this.  
>  **Ryuji:** Ur precious boy is sleepin on my lap  
>  **Ryuji:** Looks rly rly cuuuuuute  
>  **Ren:** God I love it when you talk about him. Have I told you that? It’s cute as fuck.  
>  **Ren:** Makes me like. Warm.  
>  **Ren:** Warms my cold, cold heart.  
>  **Ryuji:** Cold my ass  
>  **Ren:** That’s a weird compliment but ok.  
>  **Ryuji:** :p  
>  **Ren:** He’s ok though? I’m worried.  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah I think so  
>  **Ryuji:** He said he feels better n he kissed me n was laughin n shit  
>  **Ryuji:** Told me my smile gives him butterflies  
>  **Ren:** He and I have that in common then.  
>  **Ryuji:** Don’t gang up on me  
>  **Ren:** Gang up on you with what? Praise? Affection? That’s how this WORKS, Ryuji.  
>  **Ren:** What’s the point of having two boyfriends if you’re NOT getting lovingly ambushed with love on both sides?  
>  **Ryuji:** Oh shut up lol  
>  **Ren:** I love youuuuuu :)  
>  **Ryuji:** Hmmmmm  
>  **Ren:** :(  
>  **Ryuji:** Cool  
>  **Ren:** SAY IT BACK!!!!  
>  **Ren:** You’re hurting my feelings, Sakamoto-kun… I confess my love to you so boldly and in return you treat me this way? I may never recover. My poor maiden heart has been shattered.  
>  **Ryuji:** Stop bein friggin weird  
>  **Ryuji:** I love u  
>  **Ryuji:** You weirdo  
>  **Ren:** Hehe  
>  **Ryuji:** Remember when we first met and u wouldn’t stop callin me Sakamoto and I kept callin u Renren and u STILL wouldn’t take a hint  
>  **Ren:** Oh that? I did that on purpose.  
>  **Ryuji:** WHAT???  
>  **Ren:** Yeah, I could tell it was getting under your skin so I wanted to see how long I could drag it on.  
>  **Ryuji:** I just thought u were stupid  
>  **Ren:** Hey now.  
>  **Ryuji:** I said thought  
>  **Ren:** Thank you Sakamoto :)  
>  **Ryuji:** That’s so weird stop  
>  **Ryuji:** Why are u so weird who made u this way  
>  **Ren:** Us country boys aren’t like you city folk.  
>  **Ryuji:** Stopppp  
>  **Ryuji:** Ur makin me laugh and I’m gonna wake up ur precious baby  
>  **Ren:** Oh no :( Stop immediately.  
>  **Ryuji:** My mom’s abt to be home and I have this boy sleepin on my lap is that like weird or  
>  **Ren:** Your mom’s cool. I don’t think she’s gonna care. You ever tell her?  
>  **Ryuji:** Not rly but I think she knows  
>  **Ryuji:** Me n her are too close for her to just not notice u kno?  
>  **Ryuji:** I think she saw me kiss him bye once but she didn’t say anything  
>  **Ren:** Well she’s about to find out if she comes home and you have his head in your lap right in her living room.  
>  **Ryuji:** I’m not super worried about it lol  
>  **Ren:** She’s just like awww my son and his not one but two boyfriends who I will now sign the adoption papers for and make my own children, this isn’t weird at all :)  
>  **Ren:** Your mom’s so cool. Sojiro doesn’t know what the hell’s going on.  
>  **Ren:** And don’t get me started on my parents.  
>  **Ryuji:** I’m not  
>  **Ren:** Thanks!  
>  **Ryuji:** My mom said hi btw  
>  **Ryuji:** Like 2 days ago srry I forgot  
>  **Ren:** Thank you for ALWAYS telling me when your mom says hi, I never want to miss another greeting from her again. Tell her I said hi back :)  
>  **Ryuji:** Ur never gonna let this go huh  
>  **Ren:** Probably not.  
>  **Ren:** I do have to go do some homework though. But I’m glad my TWO precious boys are doing better.  
>  **Ren:** I mean that. Really. That was… worrying. I’m going to talk to him some more later about it. Make sure everything’s good and see if we should do anything differently.  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah. Love u  
>  **Ren:** I love YOU :)  
> 

* * *

Mishima dragged himself home after he had some time to wake up after his nap. He had talked with Ryuji and his mom for a while and Ryuji was less subtle than usual about kissing him goodbye at the door. 

When he got home, he laid down on his bed and took a few minutes to settle before responding to the texts Ren had sent him earlier. 

>   
>  **Mishima:** Hey sorry I fell back asleep. Just got home  
>  **Ren:** Hey that's alright. How are you feeling now?  
>  **Mishima:** Better  
>  **Mishima:** A lot better  
>  **Ren:** Good :)  
>  **Mishima:** Ryuji's mom said hi  
>  **Ren:** Oh! Hello!  
>  **Ren:** So did she say anything about you sleeping on her son’s lap in the middle of the living room?  
>  **Mishima:** What? Uh no  
>  **Mishima:** Oh God  
>  **Ren:** Haha, just work that one out?  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah!  
>  **Mishima:** I mean she didn't say anything but she knows you and Ryuji are a thing right?  
>  **Ren:** Yeah.  
>  **Mishima:** Oh noooo  
>  **Ren:** It's ok, she's cool. Ryuji said he thinks she knows anyway.  
>  **Ren:** How are you like, feeeeeeling though?  
>  **Mishima:** I said I'm better?  
>  **Ren:** Yeah but like :(  
>  **Ren:** You really feel ok? We're ok? I want you to talk to me.  
>  **Mishima:** I'm talking. I'm ok  
>  **Mishima:** Me and Ryuji talked about it some more and what you said really made me feel better, about how we're all tangled and stuff  
>  **Mishima:** I know you're right. I was just being stupid  
>  **Ren:** You weren't being STUPID. You were justifiably upset because you felt uncared for.  
>  **Ren:** And Ryuji and I both want to make sure you DO feel cared for, so we need you to tell us when you feel that way.  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah I know now  
>  **Mishima:** I will I promise  
>  **Ren:** And I promise if I feel that way then I'll tell you too. This goes both ways. Three ways. Uh.  
>  **Ren:** You know what I mean.  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah I do  
>  **Ren:** Hey hold on I'm going to get Ryuji in on this.  
> 

After a few seconds, he got a new group text with himself, Ryuji, and Ren. 

>   
>  **Ren:** Hello, my two favorite boys.  
>  **Ryuji:** Sup  
>  **Ren:** How's everyone feeling?  
>  **Ryuji:** U asked me that like 4 times now  
>  **Mishima:** Me too  
>  **Ren:** Excuse me for worrying :(  
>  **Ren:** I just think we should all talk if that's ok.  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah we should  
>  **Ren:** We all need to be open with each other. I just said this to Yuuki but communication needs to be going all ways, for all of us. If one of us feels jealous or left out or hurt by anything, we all need to know so we can deal with it. I love you both and I want you to be comfortable and happy with this arrangement or else it’s not worth it to me.  
>  **Ren:** And I know I haven’t been perfect about this either. I know I ghosted you when you started dating, and I never really apologized for acting like that, so I’m sorry I did that. I was happy for you both, but I was lonely too and kind of jealous that I wasn’t there with you. But I’m fine now.  
>  **Mishima:** Love you Ren  
>  **Ren:** Aw I love you :)  
>  **Ren:** Ryuji?  
>  **Ryuji:** What  
>  **Ryuji:** U want me to tell u I love u 2 or st  
>  **Ren:** I want you to tell me if you understand what I’m saying and talk about your feeeeelings.  
>  **Ren:** (And tell me you love me)  
>  **Ryuji:** Ur so needy  
>  **Ren:** :(  
>  **Mishima:** Please don’t fight, my fragile heart can’t take it  
>  **Mishima:** Kiss and make up  
>  **Ren:** Mwah.  
>  **Ryuji:** I’m rollin my eyes rn  
>  **Ryuji:** Love u  
>  **Ryuji:** Happy?  
>  **Ren:** Oh yes. Delighted.  
>  **Mishima:** Um, if we’re talking about stuff…  
>  **Mishima:** Can I bring something up? It’s not a big deal I don’t think but  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah what’s up  
>  **Mishima:** I just kind of realized when I said that, I’ve never seen you two like… interact as a couple, I guess  
>  **Mishima:** Like irl  
>  **Mishima:** Because before Ren moved, when you were dating we never really all hung out together  
>  **Mishima:** So now I’m wondering how it’s going to make me feel. It’s probably not even an issue, I just realized it. Sorry  
>  **Ren:** Hey, no sorries. This is exactly what I mean. If you’re worried about something we should talk about it.  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah I guess ur right we never rly hung out together huh  
>  **Ryuji:** We did a few times when u 2 were first dating but I was bein an asshole  
>  **Ryuji:** So that probly doesn’t count lol  
>  **Ren:** Yuuki, you saw the pictures me and Ryuji took together when he was here, right? How did seeing those make you feel?  
>  **Mishima:** Oh. I was really happy actually  
>  **Mishima:** To see you both smiling so much  
>  **Ren:** What about the one of us kissing?  
>  **Mishima:** Still happy :)  
>  **Ryuji:** Awwww  
>  **Ryuji:** Well I kno how Ren feels about seeing me n u lol  
>  **Mishima:** ?  
>  **Ryuji:** He practically MELTS every time I mention u  
>  **Ren:** I’m liquid as we speak.  
>  **Mishima:** Aw haha  
>  **Ren:** Anyway, I think that’s a good sign. We can’t know for sure until it happens, but if seeing us together in pictures made you feel so positively, then there’s a chance that seeing us in person will make you feel the same. And if it doesn’t, we’ll talk about it and figure out why.  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah  
>  **Ryuji:** U type pretty good for a pile of goo  
>  **Ren:** Thanks!  
>  **Ren:** Ryuji, how do you feel about seeing me and Yuuki though? Does it upset you? I know it used to.  
>  **Ryuji:** Nah I’m over that  
>  **Ryuji:** I guess I might get kinda sad if I was left out or st but it’s not like hurt sad it’s just like u know when ur friends go to a movie and ur busy or st  
>  **Ryuji:** We’ll see I guess  
>  **Mishima:** Ohhh yeah I see  
>  **Mishima:** Like if two of us go on a date or something and the other one doesn’t come  
>  **Mishima:** I think I’d be happy you had a good time though?  
>  **Ryuji:** Eh  
>  **Ren:** Want to elaborate on that?  
>  **Ryuji:** I just can’t predict how I’m gonna feel  
>  **Ren:** That’s fair.  
>  **Ryuji:** Hey what happened to ur homework huh  
>  **Ren:** Shhhhhh.  
>  **Mishima:** Ren!  
>  **Ren:** Shhhhhhhhhhhh.  
>  **Ryuji:** U gonna flunk out  
>  **Ryuji:** Become a real delinquent  
>  **Mishima:** Ren is a bad boy now!  
>  **Ren:** B)  
>  **Ren:** I did my homework. Easy peasy.  
>  **Mishima:** There goes the illusion  
>  **Ryuji:** Such a goodie goodie  
>  **Ren:** Why am I getting made fun of for doing AND not doing my homework?  
>  **Ryuji:** Someone has to put u in ur place  
>  **Ryuji:** Are we all ok  
>  **Ryuji:** Some of us didn’t get to take naps  
>  **Mishima:** Oh my god I forgot I was going to ask you about your mom  
>  **Mishima:** I’m so embarrasseddddd  
>  **Mishima:** Does she KNOW???  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah I think so lol  
>  **Ryuji:** She hasn’t brought it up but she’s not dumb  
>  **Mishima:** Oh nooooo  
>  **Ryuji:** What  
>  **Mishima:** I just don’t want her to think you’re cheating on Ren with me or something :(  
>  **Ryuji:** I think she thinks we broke up when he moved or st? Idk  
>  **Ren:** Little does she know…  
>  **Ryuji:** I’m gonna be in a pickle when u move back lol  
>  **Ryuji:** She said hi btw  
>  **Ren:** Yeah Yuuki told me! I said hi back!  
>  **Ryuji:** U are SO weird  
>  **Mishima:** I think he’s cute  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah we all think Ren’s real cute  
>  **Ren:** :)  
>  **Ryuji:** I’m goin 2 bed cuties  
>  **Ren:** CUTIES?  
>  **Ryuji:** I said it  
>  **Ren:** OOOOOH.  
>  **Mishima:** I think you broke him  
>  **Ryuji:** Gn Renren hope u get better soon  
>  **Ryuji:** Gn Yuuki  
>  **Mishima:** Goodnight! Love you!  
>  **Ryuji:** Luv u  
>  **Ren:** GOODNIGHT.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter warms your heart. It was originally two, but I smashed it into one long cute one. 
> 
> This chapter was a ton of fun to write, and I love these boys and their love for each other SO much.

“Am I doing this right?” Mishima's gloved hands hovered awkwardly over Ryuji's head, one holding a brush and the other cautiously touching the strands he had just applied bleach to. 

“You're fine. It's not complicated.” Ryuji glanced up at him then back down at his phone. 

After months of letting his hair grow back out into its natural state, mostly because he didn't have the energy to keep up with it while feeling so depressed, he had finally decided to take the plunge and go back to the bleached look. Going natural hadn't made his reputation at school any better and now he just looked so _bland_. If he had someone to help him with upkeep, he might as well. 

“I don't wanna mess up and make your hair fall out or something!” Mishima dabbed the solution on another patch of hair and worked it through with his fingers. He was being so overly careful. 

“You're not. Relax. Just make sure you don't miss any spots or I'm gonna look stupid.” 

It was March. Almost time for graduation. Ren had been preparing to come back and stay with Sojiro for a while and Ryuji was glad for it. He knew Ren tried to hide it, but he could tell his mental state was really reaching a breaking point. There was only so much he and Mishima could do from afar and Ren had forbid them both from visiting again. Apparently, his parents had taken his phone and found the pictures he had taken with Ryuji when he visited and they weren't exactly happy about it. They had broken his phone and left him completely cut off until he was able to go out and buy a new one in secret.

It had made Ryuji's blood boil. He didn't understand how a parent could treat their child like that. He knew he was lucky his mom was the way she was, but seeing anyone go through any other situation was rough on him. He already wanted to snatch Mishima away from his parents most of the time. Ren's were another story entirely.

He scrolled through apartment listings while Mishima worked silently on his hair. He was having trouble finding something they would be able to afford. He had all but landed a job coaching a children's track team, but the pay wasn't exactly great. And Ren would have to find something once he got back. He knew this would be difficult, but he hadn't exactly thought out all the details. 

“Finding anything?” Mishima narrowly avoided dripping bleach onto Ryuji's face and swore under his breath. 

“Nah, just the same shit. Maybe some will open up after school gets out.” 

“You'll figure something out. Just having Ren back here will be a big relief. I'm worried about him.” 

“Yeah, you and me both. I think he's gonna snap if he doesn't leave that hellhole-- ow! Careful!” Ryuji jerked his head away from where Mishima had tugged at his hair.

“Sorry!” Mishima rubbed his fingers gently over the sore spot and Ryuji laughed at his attempts at soothing.

An hour later, he had considerably lighter hair. It would have to do for now. He didn't feel like sitting through another session of chemicals at the moment, and he had until Ren's arrival to make himself look presentable.

He and Mishima crashed on his bed, both tired. It had gotten much later than they thought it had. Mishima was going to have to get up early and catch the first train back and sneak in his own window to avoid his parents finding out he had been out all night. It was a risk he took again and again with less anxiety each time. The first time he tried it, he was made so sick with worry that he was up all night.

Ryuji was always happy to have him, and so was his mom. 

Mishima reached over and ruffled Ryuji's newly lightened hair where he lay face down. It was fluffy from being thoroughly towel-dried, but the texture had already gone stringy again. He made a disappointed noise.

Ryuji turned his head to look at him with one eye.

“Y'don't like it?” He was partially muffled.

“Just feels weird. I mean, I guess it felt like that before too, but I got used to it when you started growing it out. Looks good though. You look like you again.” He patted his hair again for good measure. Ryuji just laughed into the mattress.

Mishima settled down more comfortably and yawned. He nudged Ryuji with his foot. 

“Hey.” 

“Mhm?”

“Come to bed properly.” 

Ryuji lifted his head up and looked around.

“Looks like I'm on the bed.” 

Mishima kicked him gently in the thigh of his good leg.

“ _Properly_.” He patted the space next to him. “I wanna cuddle.” 

Ryuji grumbled but dragged himself up to a normal sleeping position with his head on a pillow. He kept his pouty expression but opened his arms and Mishima scooted in to lay with his head on his chest. He gave up the act and kissed his forehead. 

Mishima angled his head up for a real kiss and got one. And then another. He started giggling too hard to keep it up.

“Hell's so funny?” Ryuji sounded annoyed, but he couldn't keep his expression straight.

“Nothing. Just happy.” Mishima settled back down on his chest. “In love, I guess.”

“You guess, huh? Damn. That makes me feel real special.” 

“Yeah, I guess.” Mishima reached for Ryuji's hand and held it next to his head on his chest. They both went quiet for a few minutes.

“Hey, uh… I know I'm just overthinkin’ this, but… you're just… just jokin’, right? About guessing?” All the humor had gone out of Ryuji's voice and he held onto Mishima's hand a little tighter. 

“What? Yeah. I'm just joking.” Mishima pulled his hand back so he could roll onto his stomach so they could look at each other more easily. “You look upset… I'm sorry, baby, I really was just joking.” 

“You’re fine, I'm just… like, ever since we had that… argument? Discussion? About you feelin’ bad about me and Ren, I just… feel hypersensitive, I guess. To you not feelin’ good.” Ryuji wasn't looking at him, despite how close their faces were. He sighed. “Like if you don't feel that way, then I wanna take it seriously. I don't ever wanna see you that upset again, especially over me doin’ dumb shit.” 

“Ryuji…” Mishima sounded totally defeated. Ryuji finally glanced at him and then away again, pursing his lips. “I'm fine. We talked about it. Me and Ren talked about it. I just needed some reassurance, and you both gave me that. And now I feel good. Happy. Are you happy? With me?” He brushed his knuckles against Ryuji's cheek and Ryuji caught his wrist and pressed his lips to his hand and nodded.

“Just worried about you. That's all.” He laced their fingers together and kept the back of Mishima's palm pressed to his cheek. 

“I learned my lesson, you don't need to worry.”

“Your lesson?” 

“If I'm upset or hurt I need to talk to you. Both of you. Cuz I saw how sad it made both of you to see me sad.” Ryuji made a sad noise. “I get it now. Sorry it took me so long.”

Ryuji stayed quiet and shut his eyes with Mishima’s hand still on his face. 

“I am, um… in love with you. By the way.” Mishima’s voice came out quiet and he had to look away. He could feel his cheeks heating up just from saying it. 

“What a coincidence.” Ryuji finally dropped his hand and pulled Mishima closer to him instead to kiss him.

* * *

The night after graduation, Ren packed up all of his necessities. Clothes, things his friends had given him, toiletries. He sat on his bed in his mostly empty room and gathered himself. Weeks ago, he had bought a one way ticket back to Tokyo. Home. He just had to go through with getting there.

He hadn't told his parents. He knew they would do something drastic to try and stop him and he knew he would buckle at any resistance they gave him. He was too tired to fight anymore. He was too tired to do most things. He had done fine on his exams without studying and he had slept through most of the past month, just waiting. And now he felt paralyzed by nerves. 

He had bought the earliest ticket he could so that he could sneak out while his parents were still asleep and be gone by the time they woke up. He knew technically this was considered running away from home, but he was legally an adult now and he thought that would be enough to protect him from anything they might do to reel him back in. He could only hope.

He took out his phone to try and calm his nerves.

>   
>  **Ren:** You awake?  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah you ok?  
>  **Ren:** Not great. Trying to be.  
>  **Mishima:** It'll be okay honey. Tomorrow you'll be here. Safe.  
>  **Ren:** Yeah but I gotta get there.  
>  **Mishima:** You can do it! Just take a quick nap and when you wake up you'll be on your way.  
>  **Ren:** I'm scared.  
>  **Mishima:** I know. It's scary. You're very brave to have made it this far. I'm always so proud of you for everything  
>  **Ren:** You're a sweetheart.  
>  **Mishima:** I'm just telling you the truth  
>  **Ren:** I love you.  
>  **Mishima:** I love you too, more than anything  
>  **Ren:** I'm telling Ryuji.  
>  **Mishima:** He's right here. You don't have to tattle on me  
>  **Mishima:** He said “Ren's way more loveable than me, I get it”  
>  **Ren:** Untrue.  
>  **Ren:** I love him very much.  
>  **Ren:** Kiss him for me.  
>  **Mishima:** Done :)  
>  **Mishima:** He says he loves you too  
>  **Ren:** God I love you both.  
>  **Ren:** Like so much.  
>  **Mishima:** Can't wait to see you. Can't believe it's been a year!  
>  **Ren:** I can.  
>  **Ren:** But yeah I know what you mean. I need cuddles asap. Like just all three of us piled on Ryuji's tiny bed cuddles.  
>  **Mishima:** You got it!  
>  **Ren:** Bet that's what you're doing right now too.  
>  **Mishima:** Just missing you.  
>  **Ren:** Gimme like 12 hours.  
>  **Mishima:** Of course  
>  **Mishima:** Try to get some sleep, you'll need it. Tomorrow's a big day  
>  **Mishima:** I love you honey  
>  **Ren:** Love you too. Goodnight.  
> 

He put his phone down and then felt it buzz again. 

>   
>  **Ryuji:** Love u Renren  
>  **Ryuji:** U got this, ur so close  
>  **Ryuji:** After tonight u never have to be alone again cuz I'm not letting u  
>  **Ryuji:** Always gonna be right there with u  
>  **Ryuji:** Forever  
>  **Ren:** Love you too. See you soon.  
>  **Ryuji:** See ya :)  
> 

He felt a bit better. Good enough to calm his thoughts and shut his eyes for a while. 

* * *

Ren was met at the train station by all of his friends. When he stepped onto the platform he was immediately mobbed on all sides and surrounded by yelling and some crying. Ryuji fully picked him up and spun him around. He was dazed and laughing and trying to get his bearings while everyone touched him and pulled him into hugs and told him how much they missed him. 

Amidst all the chaos, something was amiss. It took him a few moments to realize what it was. 

He saw Mishima standing off to the side, too shy to break into the circle around Ren or really even speak up. Even Ryuji was too distracted to make sure he got pulled in. He looked nervous, scared, when he made eye contact with Ren over Ann’s shoulder. 

Gently, but insistently, Ren pushed everyone else out of the way and had his arms around Mishima at record-breaking speed. Mishima yelped and was almost bowled over by Ren’s weight, but steadied himself and hugged him back just as tight. Behind them, Ren heard someone, probably Haru, go _awww_ and he laughed against Mishima’s ear. 

Mishima pulled back enough to hold his face in his hands and kissed him. 

“Welcome home.” 

* * *

Ren wasted no time. The day he got back, he was already making himself at home in Ryuji’s room after dropping off his things at Leblanc. Ryuji’s mom had welcomed him in with open arms and given him a huge hug as soon as he got in the door, and proceeded to ask him how he was doing and tell him how happy she was to see him back. Ryuji had told her a bit of what his home life had been like, and she had been angry on his behalf and sympathetic. She made sure he knew that if he ever needed somewhere to go, her door was always open, even if the place was a bit crowded. She looked pointedly at Mishima and told him that counted for him too. 

As soon as they got into Ryuji’s bedroom, Ren had his hands all over him-- touching his shoulders, his sides, marveling at how long his hair was getting, rubbing a thumb over some scruff that had grown in on his jawline and teasing him for it. 

Mishima just sat on the edge of the bed and watched them, smiling. 

Ren glanced over at him to make sure he was okay, and when he got a bigger smile in response, turned his attention back to Ryuji and kissed him hard. Ryuji pulled him in closer by his hips and kept kissing him each time he broke off for air, until Ren was smiling too hard to keep going and hugged him again, head turned with his eyes half open to check on Mishima again. He still looked okay. 

“You’re next.” Ren’s words came out harshly and he wiggled his eyebrows at him. 

Mishima cracked up and covered his face with his hands. 

“Oh God, that sounds so _threatening_.” He laughed into his hands while Ryuji lost it into Ren’s shoulder, but then composed himself and opened his arms to signal for a hug. 

Ren pulled himself out of Ryuji’s arms and moved to the bed to nudge Mishima over onto his side and snuggle up against him, immediately pressing kisses to his lips and holding onto his side tightly. After a pause, he felt Ryuji moving onto the bed and laying down against his back so he was holding him from behind and Ren was sandwiched in between the two of them. 

He glanced over his shoulder, then went back to kissing Mishima. He heard Ryuji hum and press his face against the back of his neck, so he stopped again. 

“Everyone okay…?” He tried to look back at Ryuji again, but couldn’t see his face anymore. 

Ryuji squeezed him and made a noise of agreement and Mishima nodded. He relaxed. Mishima moved a hand to hold Ryuji’s on Ren’s hip and settled his face into the crook of his neck. 

“Oh god--” Ren inhaled deeply. Ryuji made a confused noise behind him. “Oh God oh God.” 

“Dude, are you okay?” Ryuji lifted his head up, concerned. 

“Yeah!” Ren’s voice pitched way up and he laughed anxiously. Now Mishima was lifting his head up. 

“Ren? You good?” Mishima frowned and tried to meet his eyes, but he was looking around, avoiding them. He must have looked completely wild. 

“He’s finally lost it.” Ryuji let go of Mishima’s hand and propped himself up on an elbow to better lean over Ren from behind. “Hey, crazy, you wanna explain?” 

Ren took in another deep breath and looked up at Ryuji, then to Mishima, wide-eyed. He exhaled another shaky laugh. 

“This is just, uh, this is like-- Real? This is real? Oh God.” He started laughing again and Ryuji settled down behind him again with a groan. “This is like. _Real_ real.” 

“Stop freakin’ out.” Ryuji squeezed him from behind and he made a surprised noise. 

“I’m not freaking out!” His voice pitched up again. 

“You’re freaking out a little.” Mishima gave him a sympathetic smile. “Hey, put your head down. It’s okay.” 

Ren did what he was told and settled his head on the pillow again. He felt Ryuji press a kiss to the back of his shoulder and Mishima kept eye-level with him. He shut his eyes and tried to relax. 

“I’m… I’m good. This is just… Good. Perfect. I didn’t really… realize how this was gonna feel, so I’m…” He trailed off and opened his eyes to meet Mishima’s again. 

“Feeling overwhelmed?” Mishima took his glasses off for him and set them aside then put a hand to his cheek, thumbing it back and forth. 

“Yeah… Yeah. It’s, um… Been a long day, and I’m…” His voice broke and he lowered his eyes. “I’m just really happy to be… here? Home?” He tried to laugh but it came out as a shaky sob instead and all at once, he was crying. Both of them hugged him tightly and wordlessly comforted him while he got through it. In time, he stopped and a wave of exhaustion washed over him. 

He fell asleep in between them and they let him rest, but both pulled an arm free to text each other quietly. 

>   
>  **Mishima:** Oh my god he’s SO cute  
>  **Mishima:** I kind of forgot. Is that bad?  
>  **Ryuji:** Nah he’s the cutest  
>  **Ryuji:** Ur ok?  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah! I’m really happy :)  
> 

Mishima flashed a big smile at him over Ren’s shoulder and Ryuji returned it. 

>   
>  **Ryuji:** Ur pretty cute urself  
>  **Mishima:** Are you hitting on me, Sakamoto?!  
>  **Ryuji:** Hmmm  
>  **Ryuji:** Maybe  
>  **Mishima:** Ooh, I’m swooning…  
>  **Ryuji:** Luv u dork  
>  **Mishima:** :)  
>  **Ryuji:** Is he like ok tho?  
>  **Mishima:** I think he’s just tired. And kinda loopy  
>  **Mishima:** I think we overwhelmed him with our looooove  
>  **Ryuji:** K well he’s gonna have to get used to that  
>  **Ryuji:** U were ok with us kissing tho?  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah!  
>  **Mishima:** Were you okay with us? You kinda interrupted…  
>  **Ryuji:** Ooh sorry  
>  **Ryuji:** Too excited to cuddle  
>  **Ryuji:** But yeah ur good  
>  **Mishima:** I wanna kiss you but he’s in the way lol  
>  **Ryuji:** Ren mooooove  
>  **Mishima:** Don’t wake him up!  
>  **Ryuji:** I’m not lol  
> 

Ryuji blew a kiss over Ren’s shoulder and Mishima had to slap a hand over his own mouth to keep from laughing. Ren barely stirred. 

>   
>  **Ryuji:** Oh shit stop  
>  **Mishima:** STOP BEING CUTE AT ME THEN  
>  **Ryuji:** U first  
>  **Mishima:** STOP IT  
> 

Ryuji just pressed his face into the back of Ren’s neck again and tried not to laugh. Ren stirred again and made a small sound before rolling over to face Ryuji instead and cuddle up to his chest. Ryuji was still able to hold his phone above Ren’s head. 

>   
>  **Ryuji:** Haha mine now  
>  **Mishima:** Shut up :(  
>  **Ryuji:** Jealous?  
>  **Mishima:** My arm was falling asleep  
>  **Ryuji:** Damn is that how this works  
>  **Ryuji:** We all have 2 bfs so when one of our arms starts fallin asleep we can just trade  
>  **Ryuji:** Hell yeah  
>  **Mishima:** Omg stop  
>  **Mishima:** I’m gonna kiss you  
> 

Mishima very carefully lifted himself up and leaned over Ren’s head, wanting Ryuji to meet him halfway, but Ryuji just raised an eyebrow at him. Mishima frowned and tried to look pouty. Ryuji’s expression broke into a smile and he leaned up just as carefully to kiss him a few times. 

“Oh shit… _Good_ morning...” Ren sounded barely awake beneath them. 

“Oh nooooo… Ren, I’m so sorry! Go back to sleep!” Mishima sounded genuinely apologetic and upset. 

Ren just had a dopey smile on his face and started giggling to himself. 

“Do that again.” He rolled onto his back to he could look at both of them. 

“Seriously?” Ryuji frowned down at him. “I shoulda known you’d be like this. Go back to your nap.” 

“I will if you kiss again.” 

“You’re some kinda pervert, huh?” 

“ _No_!” Ren sounded indignant. “Jus’ makes me happy…” He pouted and shifted his gaze to Mishima, looking for help. 

“Ryuji, we can’t just _not_ make him happy, what’s wrong with you? C’mere.” Mishima leaned up again and pulled Ryuji over by his jaw to kiss him again. Ryuji grumbled at first, still pretending to be annoyed, but then kissed him back. Ren started giggling harder and Ryuji broke away to laugh at his reaction. 

“Told you he just melts.” Ryuji leaned back down and pressed a kiss to Ren’s head. “Don’t you?” Ren neither confirmed nor denied this accusation, just kept grinning at him. “Hey, sleep here tonight, okay? You don’t need to be out wanderin’ the streets all delirious.” He sat up properly and started to move off the bed, but Ren whined. “You’re goin’ to sleep. You promised.” 

“Yeah, but don’t leave…” Ren tried to grab for his arm but Ryuji was too fast and settled down on the floor. 

“It’s still early, we’re not goin’ to bed yet. But you need a nap. C’mere, babe.” He was clearly talking to Mishima, who begrudgingly got up and started moving over, but Ren responded anyway. 

“I thought you wanted me to stay here and sleep. Now you want me to come down there?” 

“Oh, _sorry_. Let me be more clear. Yuuki, please come sit on the floor with me so Ren can get some beauty sleep.” 

“You need to come up with more diverse pet-names.” Mishima pulled the covers back and over Ren, then settled down on the floor next to Ryuji. “We can’t both be babe.” 

“I was babe first!” Ren declared from behind them. 

“Nobody’s talkin’ to you.” Ryuji playfully shoved at him from the floor. “What do you call him then?” He turned his attention back to Mishima. 

“Oh, um… Honey? Baby--” 

“Yes?” Ren snorted at his own joke. 

“Hi, honey!” Mishima leaned his head up to grin at him. Ren laughed harder. 

“You’re both gonna drive me _insane_.” Ryuji laid down on the narrow strip of floor between his bed and his dresser. “This is why people pair off. Three is just too much.” 

Mishima stayed sitting up and Ryuji adjusted so he had his head on his thigh. Mishima started stroking his hair and they stayed quiet until they heard Ren’s breathing even out. Mishima looked over his shoulder to make sure he was sleeping, then took out his phone. 

>   
>  **Mishima:** I’m so happy  
>  **Mishima:** You’re not really upset right?  
>  **Ryuji:** Nah I’m like… rly good  
>  **Mishima:** I was worried about this being weird but it’s so… natural?  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah  
> 

They both sat in silence for a few minutes and Ryuji shut his eyes until he felt his phone buzz in his hand again. 

>   
>  **Mishima:** I love you. Really. I know I just said I’m really happy, but I mean I don’t think I’ve been this happy like… ever? You’re both so good to me and I’m so excited to just be together like this and be happy and no more long distance stuff. Everything’s just… ok  
> 

Ryuji looked at his phone, then set it down on his chest and shut his eyes again. His breathing got a little shaky. 

>   
>  **Mishima:** You ok? :(  
>  **Ryuji:** Tryin not to cry lol  
>  **Mishima:** Aw!  
>  **Mishima:** No don’t cry! It’s ok!  
>  **Ryuji:** I’m not but ur testin me  
>  **Mishima:** Nooo!  
> 

Ryuji looked up at him and smiled. 

>   
>  **Ryuji:** No tears see  
>  **Mishima:** You look sleepy though :(  
>  **Mishima:** Maybe you should get up there with Ren  
>  **Ryuji:** I’m ok  
>  **Ryuji:** Wanna move to the couch tho?  
> 

Mishima nodded and they both got up as silently as they could and moved out to the living room. Ryuji’s mom had gone to her room, so they got close on the couch and turned the TV on low. They mumbled some quiet small talk back and forth for a while, but Ryuji ended up dozing off after not long and Mishima was left watching TV alone, content in his lap. 

He had almost fallen asleep himself when he felt his phone buzz. 

>   
>  **Ren:** Hi :)  
>  **Mishima:** Hi sleepy  
>  **Mishima:** You feel better?  
>  **Ren:** Yeah, sorry for being weird. Long train ride. Cute boys. You know.  
>  **Ren:** Now I’m just laying here trying to process that I’m in Ryuji’s bed and like… safe.  
>  **Mishima:** Aw :( Yeah you’re safe honey  
>  **Mishima:** We love you, you’re ok  
>  **Ren:** Love you too. Thanks.  
>  **Ren:** I feel like I’m going to crash later really bad. This year SUCKED.  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah I know  
>  **Mishima:** You’re here now, safe and sound  
>  **Ren:** Were you ok with me and Ryuji kissing? I kept trying to look at you to make sure, but then I kinda realized looking at someone while you’re kissing someone else is probably weird lol.  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah! We already talked about it, everything’s good :)  
>  **Ren:** Oh, good.  
>  **Mishima:** You really did melt though…  
>  **Ren:** :(  
>  **Ren:** Don’t be mean to me, I’m fragile lol.  
>  **Mishima:** I know the answer is probably obvious, but I’m still gonna ask  
>  **Mishima:** Are YOU ok with it?  
>  **Ren:** Oh yes :)  
>  **Mishima:** Ryuji was almost crying lol  
>  **Mishima:** DON’T TELL HIM I TOLD YOU  
>  **Ren:** Oh no :( Is he ok?  
>  **Mishima:** Good crying  
>  **Mishima:** He’s passed out right now  
>  **Ren:** Oh, so he talks a big game about me needing to sleep and leaves me all alone to go sleep SOMEWHERE ELSE.  
>  **Ren:** I see…  
>  **Mishima:** I think he got really overwhelmed too. He was super super anxious all morning and all last night  
>  **Mishima:** I was too so I think we just kind of fed off each other  
>  **Ren:** All 3 of us just anxious messes.  
>  **Ren:** Speaking of which, can you come back in here? Or does he have you trapped?  
>  **Mishima:** No, I’m in his lap. Hold on, I’ll try  
> 

Mishima slowly removed himself from Ryuji’s lap and moved quietly back into the dark bedroom. Ren was laying almost entirely under the covers with only his phone lighting up his face. He looked up when Mishima came in and pulled the covers back for him to join him. Once Mishima was settled, he rested their foreheads together. 

“Sweet freedom, only to be ensnared again.” He was smiling, but his eyes were a little red. He had been crying. 

“That’s fine.” Mishima brushed his hair back and pressed his lips to his forehead. Ren sighed. 

“This is the first time we’ve been alone together in a year… I missed you… Not that Ryuji isn’t welcome, but… Y’know, we had that one visit.” Ren kept his voice low and kept himself eye level with him, scanning his face, re-memorizing every detail even in the dark. 

Mishima got embarrassed and looked away, smiling and barely laughing. 

“Your hair looks nice.” Ren ran his fingers through it. It was still about the same length as it had been, but it was cut more evenly now, less choppy. “Feels nice. Soft.” 

“You and Ryuji both always have your hands in my hair.” He looked back to Ren’s face. 

“Oh, sorry. Do you not like that?” Ren pulled his hand back to himself. 

“No! I like it! I just didn’t realize you both did it so much.” 

“Think I picked it up from him. He started doing it to calm me down and I liked it so I started doing it to you. Just passing affection down the line.” He settled his hand on Mishima’s side instead. 

“Did he have his hair natural when he visited you? I don’t remember.” 

“Ooh, yeah. He looked really good like that.” 

“I told him that, but he bleached it again anyway.” Mishima sighed, but then grinned again. “Did you touch it though? So _soft_!” 

They both giggled quietly in the dark, like they were girls talking about their crushes at a sleepover. They fit two out of three parts, at least. 

Ren sighed happily. 

“I love him…” 

“I have bad news for you then. Your boyfriend was flirting with me earlier.” Mishima tried to keep a straight face, but couldn’t manage to stop laughing at himself. 

“Oh yeah? I’ll have to have a talk with that boy. What’d he say?” Ren was doing a better job at staying serious, though not by much. 

“Told me I was cute.” 

“Scandalous…” Ren dropped the act and let himself crack up. “God, I love you.” 

Mishima quieted his laughter with a kiss. Ren hummed and let him make up for being interrupted by Ryuji earlier. His hand found its way to Mishima’s hair again, holding the back of his head loosely. They kissed until Ren felt overwhelmed and had to pull himself away. Mishima made a small sad noise but then laughed quietly at himself. 

“Gotta relearn you’re not going anywhere, I guess.” 

“Not going anywhere. Oh shit, shouldn’t you be though? Your parents--” 

“As long as I get back on the last train it’ll be okay. I just go in the window. Haven’t caught me yet.” 

“Oh! Such a delinquent! A hardened criminal! I remember when you were a nice boy.” Ren acted shocked and it set Mishima off laughing again. “Such a quiet, sweet boy! Now you’re breaking curfew and going in windows! What has Ryuji _done to you_?” 

“Stoppp,” Mishima sobbed. “My face hurts…” 

Ren stayed quiet, just smiling at him in the dark until he calmed down. Mishima leaned in and kissed him again a few more times then pulled him into the crook of his neck and stroked his hair. 

“Now you’re doing it.” Ren mumbled against his skin. 

“It’s contagious.” 

Ren almost fell asleep again like that, but Mishima woke him back up when he changed positions slightly, and then he was left lying there awake again. 

“Hey…” He pressed a kiss to his neck. “You hungry?” 

“Yeah, a little. Oh, we haven’t fed you… We’re so negligent. I’m sorry, honey.” He sounded so genuinely apologetic that Ren almost felt bad for bringing it up. “C’mon, let’s go wake up sleeping beauty and we can go get something.” 

They got up and moved out to the living room. Ren raised a finger to his lips to shush Mishima, then crept over to the back of the couch and leaned over it to blow in Ryuji’s face. Ryuji just made an annoyed noise, so he did it again. 

“Yuuki, stop, what the hell…” He didn’t open his eyes, just rolled over away from Ren’s pestering. 

Mishima tried to muffle his laughter from behind Ren. 

Ren leaned over the couch more and pressed a kiss to Ryuji’s head. 

“Hey, wake up.” 

Ryuji’s eyes snapped open and he looked scared for a brief moment, but then relaxed. 

“Whoa, you good? Did I scare you?” Ren reached a hand down and Ryuji grabbed it. 

“Jus’ thought I was dreamin’ for a second when I heard your voice.” He rubbed his eyes with his free hand and blinked, trying to wake up more. 

“I keep feeling like I’m dreaming too.” Ren went around and sat next to him and Mishima joined them on Ren’s other side. “Wake up though, I’m here and I’m hungry.” 

Ryuji grumbled and just stretched his legs out into Ren’s lap. Ren held onto them and started gently massaging his old injury through his pants. 

“Does that help?” Mishima leaned his chin on Ren’s shoulder and watched his hands. “I never thought to do that.” 

“Just helps loosen the muscles or whatever.” Ryuji let Ren put his hands on him for a little longer, then nudged him off and sat up, moving his feet to the floor. “C’mon, I’ll cook you somethin’ so we don’t have to go out.” 

The three of them tried to pack themselves into the small kitchen, but Ryuji ended up shooing the other two out while he cooked so he could have some space to work. Mishima and Ren settled on the couch until he brought food to them, and they all ate together mostly in silence. 

* * *

Ren crashed at Ryuji’s place like he had been told to do. He watched Ryuji change into pajamas from his spot on the bed with a dreamy, tired smile on his face. Part of him felt like he was going to wake up from a dream any second now, but the other part was sleepy and full and warm and happy. And that part was winning. 

Ryuji came over to the bed and crawled in next to him, nudging him to turn around and face the wall so he could hold him from behind, snuggling up to fit against his back with an arm around him and the other under his head. He pressed a kiss to his shoulder and pulled him up as close against him as he could. 

Ren locked their fingers together against his stomach and tried to look over his shoulder at him. 

“Hey, you okay?” His voice came out soft and quiet. Ryuji only hummed against his shoulder in response and held him tighter. “Hm?” He felt him nod. 

Ren turned his head back to the wall and found Ryuji’s other hand by his head. He traced a pattern over the back of it with his fingers slowly, just feeling his skin. He felt Ryuji sigh. He went still and quiet, just staring at the wall in the dark. 

The longer he laid there the more things started feeling off. He started to panic. When he had woken up that morning, he had been in his parents’ home. Now he was back in Tokyo and he felt like an eternity had passed. He had seen both of his boyfriends. One of them was holding him now. He tried to ground himself, but his brain was insisting something was wrong, wrong, wrong, he was going to wake up to his mom shaking him and throwing his packed bags around, screaming about how ungrateful he was, how she did so much for him, how he was a bad child for trying to run away. His heart was pounding and he squeezed his eyes shut. He was sure when he opened them, he’d be back in his old bedroom, alone. 

He managed to weakly sob Ryuji’s name, and he felt him shift behind him to lift his head. 

“Whas’wrong?” He sounded mostly asleep. Just hearing his voice set Ren off again and he gripped his hand harder, scared he was going to disappear. 

“I’m--” He tried to get a good breath in, but he couldn’t quite manage it. “Can you talk to me? I just-- wanna hear your voice.” 

“Yeah…” Ryuji settled back down behind him. Ren could feel his breath on his neck. “Jus’... tired. Sorry. But I can talk. Sorry you’re feelin’ bad, I kinda thought you might like… crash at some point today. Knew this was gonna be hard for you. But you’ll adjust. You’ll be okay.” He moved the hand Ren didn’t have a death grip on to his hair and played with the curls there. “You don’t ever gotta go back there again, okay? In a few weeks we’ll have our own place. We--” He muffled a yawn against Ren’s shoulder. “Sorry. We’ll start our life together, okay? You ‘n me. ‘N Yuuki.” Ren nodded. “I love you.” Ren nodded again. “Try to relax. I’m not gonna let anything happen to you. Gonna keep you nice ‘n safe…” 

Ren’s body slowly went slack and he loosened his grip. Ryuji pressed another small kiss to his neck and left his lips there. Ren still couldn’t open his eyes out of fear that he’d see his own bedroom. 

“Ryuji…?” His voice sounded so small. Ryuji hummed in response. “You’re really here?” 

Ryuji let out a quiet breathy laugh, but it wasn’t a mean one. 

“Yeah, babe, ‘m here. Jus’... Fallin’ asleep. You wanna turn around so you can see me…? Will that help?” 

Ren didn’t know if it would. But he slowly rolled over so they were facing each other and finally opened his eyes half-way. He was met with Ryuji’s tired, smiling face right in front of his. Ryuji kissed his forehead and placed a hand on his side to hold onto him loosely and he instantly relaxed. His heart rate slowed and he was left just feeling warm and tired again. He watched Ryuji fall asleep and then followed suit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, I'm [uprightmoon on twitter](http://www.twitter.com/uprightmoon) and [mishimalovemail on tumblr](http://www.mishimalovemail.tumblr.com). Come yell with me.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot of texting and feelings talk.
> 
> Just one more short sort of epilogue on Thursday, and then this fic is complete!

>   
> **Ryuji:** Ren is out  
>  **Ryuji:** Like he is OUT out lol   
> **Mishima:** He's still not awake?   
> **Ryuji:** Nope  
>  **Mishima:** He must be tired :(  
>  **Mishima:** Let him sleep   
> **Ryuji:** Yeah I am  
>  **Ryuji:** Guess I'm gonna unpack shit on my own then  
>  **Ryuji:** I got 2 bfs and I'm unpacking alone…  
>  **Ryuji:** Just me n all these boxes  
>  **Ryuji:** Alone  
>  **Mishima:** God you sound like Ren  
>  **Mishima:** Are you asking me to come over and help you unpack?  
>  **Ryuji:** Maybe  
>  **Mishima:** Or are you just being a baby?  
>  **Ryuji:** :p  
>  **Mishima:** I'll come over   
> **Mishima:** Hungry?  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah we don't rly have a kitchen yet  
>  **Mishima:** Good thing you have a boyfriend who loves you and will bring you lunch   
> **Ryuji:** Oh do I?  
>  **Mishima:** You do!  
>  **Ryuji:** Lol   
> **Ryuji:** Thx babe   
> **Ryuji:** Luv ya  
>  **Mishima:** Love you toooo   
> **Mishima:** Be over sooooooon   
> 

* * *

Mishima and Ryuji sat in the middle of the living room of the barren-looking apartment, sorting through boxes and occasionally stopping to eat. Ryuji and Ren had gotten most of the furniture set up the night before, so it was at least livable now, but their belongings were mostly still scattered around in an unorganized mess. They hadn't thought to pack things in a way that would make unpacking them very methodical, and now Ryuji was paying for it. 

Mishima opened a box of clothes, pulled out one of Ren's hoodies, examined it, and then pulled it over his own head. Ryuji chuckled at him and reached a foot over to nudge his leg. 

“You cold?” 

“Uh, no just… clingy.” Mishima blushed and pulled the hood up to hide it. 

“He's in the bedroom in a coma if you just wanna go in there and jump on him.” Ryuji nodded to the door behind them, grinning. 

“No, I don't want to wake him up! If he's still asleep, he's tired. Just let me wear his hoodie in peace.” Mishima shoved Ryuji's leg away from him and resumed going through another box. 

“You're always stealin’ our clothes. Maybe you're the real Phantom Thief.” Ryuji leaned back against a box and just watched Mishima do all the work. Ren's hoodie was just big enough on him to make it look cute. When Ryuji and Ren swapped clothes, it didn't have the same effect. Their sizes were too close. But Mishima was noticeably shorter than both of them, so he got to reap the benefits of oversized comfy clothes. 

“Maybe so. Have I stolen your heart then?” Mishima looked over at Ryuji as he spoke, smiling big like he was real proud of that one. 

Ryuji laughed and crawled over to put his arms around him and rest his chin on his shoulder. 

“You didn't send me a calling card first. So I don't think it counts.” 

“Oh, hm… How did that go?” Mishima put on a deeper inflection, like a bad impression of Ren's Joker voice. “Ryuji Sakamoto, we know of your crimes. Your nights of stealing the covers and your merciless teasing of your boyfriends shall come to an end. We will steal your heart and make you confess to your sins. From, the Phantom Thieves of Hearts!” He managed to keep his voice steady through his entire monologue, but cracked up as soon as he got the final word out. 

Ryuji tried to silence him with a kiss and he was slowly muffled, humming and sighing into his kisses instead. The door opened behind them and they jolted away from each other instinctively, looking like they had been caught doing something bad. Ryuji relaxed into laughter, but Mishima just sat there frozen with wide eyes. 

A very tired Ren rubbed at his eyes and walked right between them to sit on the couch. 

“Oh, don't stop just cuz of me…” he yawned and leaned down to steal Ryuji's bowl off the ground and help himself to his food. 

“That is _not_ yours!” Ryuji clambered over and snatched his food back. 

“It's cold now. Obviously you weren't even eating it. I saw you.” Ren pointed an accusatory finger at Ryuji and then at Mishima. 

“Yours is in the fridge.” Mishima finally got his bearings back enough to speak up. 

“Aw, thank you, sweetheart.” Ren beamed at him. 

“Why're you bein’ so sweet to him but I'm gettin’ my lunch stolen? You're playin’ favorites, dude.” Ryuji sat down on the couch with his hip up against Ren's and Ren put an arm around his waist and leaned into him. 

“Fine. Good morning, my love.” Ren pecked him on the cheek and he grumbled. 

“S'not mornin’ anymore. I was startin’ to think you were just pretendin’ to sleep so you wouldn't have to help unpack.” Ryuji resumed eating his lunch and Ren did his best to annoy him into giving him a bite. 

Mishima got up and wandered into the kitchen. 

“Are you a baby? Do you need me to feed you? You can't feed yourself?” Ryuji's tone was harsh, but Ren was making him smile too hard for him to really come off as mad. He offered up a bite of his food and Ren happily took it. 

They playfully squabbled until Mishima came back with Ren's food, warm from the microwave, and handed it to him. 

Ren took it and then pulled him down into his lap, making him yelp. He pressed a kiss to his cheek and then pulled his arm away from Ryuji and started eating like he hadn't had a meal in days. 

“Ryuji, have you been feeding him? He's starving!” Mishima feigned concern and pretended to feel for Ren's ribs, which just made him choke when he jabbed into a ticklish spot. “You need to take better care of him!” 

“Oh, you gotta feed these things? I thought they were like cactuses 'n shit. Just give 'em some water sometimes 'n they're fine.” Ryuji put his empty bowl back on the floor and flopped over on his back against the opposite armrest, feet against Ren's hip. 

“You're so negligent.” Ren mumbled into his food. 

“Is he not taking care of you, honey?” Mishima latched onto him tighter and glared at Ryuji, who just rolled his eyes at him. 

“No, he's horrible. Absolutely terrible.” Ryuji kicked at his leg. “ _See_!” 

“Ryuji, please be nice to Ren, he's a delicate boy. You'll make him cry. What would your mother say?” 

“Don't bring my mom into this. You know she likes Ren better than me.” 

“She's _my_ mom now.” Ren had inhaled his food at record speed and set his bowl down on top of Ryuji's on the floor so he could wrap both arms around the boy in his lap. “Thanks for lunch.” 

“Of course.” Mishima kissed the top of his head and held onto him, eyes on Ryuji. He got a small smile, a sign that he knew everyone was just teasing. 

“Hey, I have a hoodie like this.” Ren pulled at the hem of what Mishima was wearing and examined it. 

“Yeah, your boyfriend's a thief.” Ryuji spoke up before Mishima could say anything and the comment made his face flush. “He's building a collection of our shit, I swear.” 

“I always give it _back_!” Mishima tried to defend himself. 

“Nah, you've had one of my shirts for like… almost a year now. Cuz you stole it right after we started dating. I'm not gettin’ that one back. You probably sleep with it.” 

Mishima tried to stammer a response, but couldn't get any words out. Ren was laughing into his shoulder. 

“ _You_ have one of my hoodies too!” Ryuji jabbed Ren with his foot again. “I'm gonna go naked if you two don't stop!” 

“Ooh, is that a threat?” Ren stopped laughing long enough to raise an eyebrow at him. 

Ryuji just kicked him harder. 

“Do you want your hoodie back?” Mishima sounded embarrassed and tried to hide his face in the too-big sleeves. 

“Aw, no, we're just messing with you. You can wear my stuff. It looks cute on you. You're so tiny.” Ren nudged his hands out of the way and kissed his cheek. 

“Yeah, you look cute as hell. I'm just givin’ you a hard time.” Ryuji sat up and stretched. He ruffled Mishima's hair, then dragged another box over and settled back down on the floor to resume sorting things. 

Mishima tried to get up, but Ren held onto him to keep him in his lap and gave him a concerned look. 

“You upset?” 

“Oh, no, just embarrassed, I guess…” He looked down at his own lap. “Wearing your stuff just makes me feel safe, so I… I didn't realize it was a big deal.” 

“Aw, it's not… we're not upset. We were just teasing you, but we won't anymore, okay? Not worth it if it hurts your feelings.” Ren squeezed him then let him go. 

“Hey, I like it when you take my shirts and shit… It's cute. I have some of Ren's too, you just can't tell cuz we're the same size. I'm just bein’ an asshole cuz I love you.” Ryuji smiled apologetically at him from his place on the floor. 

Mishima plopped down next to him and pulled another box over to help. 

Ren laid back on the couch and did nothing much at all while they worked. 

* * *

>   
> **Ren:** Heyyyy.  
>  **Ren:** I just want to do a feelings check-in?  
>  **Ryuji:** Wdym  
>  **Ren:** Like it's been a couple months since I moved back and I know all of us had some reservations about our relationships existing in the same spaces irl.   
> **Ren:** I just want to know how we're all feeling about it right now. Make sure we're ok.  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah I'm ok  
>  **Ryuji:** Nice havin u here… comin home to u…   
> **Ren:** Awww :)  
>  **Ren:** Yuuki, are you here?  
>  **Ryuji:** Might be in class  
>  **Ren:** Oh right. My smart boy.  
>  **Ryuji:** Lol   
> **Ren:** But how do you feel about me and him? That's ok? When you come home and we're already together? When we go on dates without you?  
>  **Ryuji:** All good  
>  **Ryuji:** I like comin home to both of u actually   
> **Ryuji:** Feels good  
>  **Ren:** Aw we love youuuuu.  
>  **Mishima:** Hey! Sorry let me read  
>  **Ren:** Hi! Take your time.  
>  **Mishima:** Ok yeah I'm here now  
>  **Mishima:** I feel pretty good  
>  **Mishima:** I wish I was living with you but… there's not much I can do  
>  **Mishima:** I do feel a little left out sometimes  
>  **Ren:** Can we help you feel less left out?  
>  **Mishima:** No idk… it's not your fault  
>  **Ren:** Well no, but if we can adjust anything to help you then we will.   
> **Ryuji:** Ur always welcome   
> **Mishima:** I know but it's not the same. I don't get the… domesticity. Or whatever  
>  **Ren:** Do you feel like we're excluding you from your relationships because you're not in the apartment with us all the time?   
> **Mishima:** I feel excluded but it's not like YOU'RE excluding me it's just life yknow  
>  **Ren:** Ooh.   
> **Mishima:** It'll be ok! If I start feeling worse I'll tell you I promise  
>  **Ryuji:** So what Ren asked me  
>  **Ryuji:** How do u feel when me n him go out  
>  **Mishima:** I like hearing about your dates  
>  **Mishima:** It makes me really happy to hear all the cute stuff… Cute stories  
>  **Mishima:** I like seeing you both happy  
>  **Mishima:** And I feel sad sometimes again just cuz I'm not there all the time but I know I CAN be there when I'm able to and it's not that you don't WANT me there   
> **Ren:** Right.  
>  **Mishima:** And the same goes for your dates like sometimes I'm a little sad because I wish I was with you but I know we all need space   
> **Ryuji:** I feel the same abt that  
>  **Ryuji:** Sometimes a lil jealous   
> **Ren:** You're jealous?  
>  **Ryuji:** Only sometimes  
>  **Ryuji:** Just over stupid shit   
> **Ren:** Nothing's stupid right now.   
> **Ryuji:** Like if I'm at work and I know ur both at home together I just get kinda jealous cuz I wish I was   
> **Mishima:** Oh yeah   
> **Ren:** So not like jealous of the relationship itself, just jealous that schedules aren't synching up?  
>  **Ryuji:** I guess  
>  **Ren:** Elaborate, babe?  
>  **Ryuji:** Nothin I was agreeing  
>  **Ren:** Ok you seemed vague. Jealousy of relationships we need to talk about.  
>  **Ryuji:** It ain't like that  
>  **Ren:** Ok :(  
>  **Ryuji:** What  
>  **Ren:** Just worrying.   
> **Mishima:** What are you worried about Ren? Talk about YOUR feelings  
>  **Ren:** Haha right. Ok.  
>  **Ren:** I guess I worry that a lot of stuff is my responsibility since I'm the one who proposed the whole thing with being with both of you, so now if something goes wrong it's on me.   
> **Ren:** If someone gets too jealous or you're mean to each other or anyone is unhappy, I feel responsible.   
> **Mishima:** You're not though :(  
>  **Ryuji:** Ur not  
>  **Ryuji:** Oh lol same   
> **Ren:** Thanks.  
>  **Ren:** I love you both a lot is all.  
>  **Ryuji:** Wouldn't have guessed  
>  **Ren:** Wow.  
>  **Mishima:** Hey be nice  
>  **Ryuji:** Luv uuuuuuu   
> **Ryuji:** N u don't have to take blame for shit   
> **Ryuji:** We have a good system now n if one of us is upset we just talk it out and try to work on it  
>  **Ren:** Yeah I guess I should follow my own guidelines, huh?  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah you should :(  
>  **Mishima:** What can we do to reassure you and take some weight off your shoulders?  
>  **Ren:** Just listening is good… talking about it. I do feel better.   
> **Ryuji:** Good  
>  **Mishima:** I haven't been the best about asking how YOU feel though and I'm gonna be better about that  
>  **Mishima:** You're always asking after both of us and doing these check ins and I haven't done the same   
> **Ryuji:** I need to be better abt that 2…  
>  **Ren:** Aw guys, I'm ok.  
>  **Mishima:** None of us are ALWAYS ok though so we should do better about asking   
> **Mishima:** Especially if you feel so responsible. If one of us is asking the questions and initiating these conversations it takes some weight off of you  
>  **Ren:** I'm gonna cry right here in Leblanc. Right in front of Sojiro.   
> **Mishima:** Noooo!  
>  **Ryuji:** Aren't u supposed to be………… working  
>  **Ren:** No customers. I'm on break.  
>  **Ren:** But thanks, seriously. You're both so wonderful to me, I couldn't ask for better boyfriends :(  
>  **Ryuji:** U can ask all u want but at some point ur gonna have 2 many bfs   
> **Ren:** Can you just be nice to me? Accept my love?  
>  **Ryuji:** I'm always nice to u :p  
>  **Mishima:** Hey be nice, seriously   
> **Ryuji:** I'm just jokin  
>  **Mishima:** Yeah I know but I think Ren is already upset so… can you just be genuine  
>  **Ren:** I'm ok.  
>  **Mishima:** :/  
>  **Mishima:** There's a time for teasing   
> **Ren:** I'm really ok. That's just how he shows his love lol.  
>  **Mishima:** Still  
>  **Ren:** He's been typing for a while…   
> **Ren:** Are you mad, Ryuji?  
>  **Ryuji:** I love u Renren. More than anything in the world n u make my life so much better. U saved me from a rly rly bad place and helped me understand that my life was still worth living n that I still had a place in the world. U make me feel like I can keep goin. U make me strong and happy and I rly wouldn't be the same without u.   
> **Ren:** Oh JESUS.   
> **Ren:** Ryuji…! T___T  
>  **Ryuji:** I kill u?  
>  **Ren:** YEAH!!!!   
> **Mishima:** Aw… I'm gonna cry   
> **Ren:** I AM crying.  
>  **Mishima:** You're such a sweetheart when you stop the teasing asshole act for a second  
>  **Mishima:** Sweet boy   
> **Ren:** Oh no, he's typing again… I can't take any more, please spare me. My heart is weak. I'm at WORK.  
>  **Mishima:** Oh no  
>  **Ryuji:** And Yuuki I luv u so so so much. Ur soooo strong like the strongest person I kno n ur always finding a way to keep goin and seeing the light in shit. Ur so SMART and dedicated to ur passions n that's what made me fall for u. U kept me goin when I didn't have anything else n showed me things would be ok. U are like a beam of personal sunshine in my life… U light everything up and make it warm   
> **Ren:** OOOOOH GODDDD. TOO MUCH.  
>  **Mishima:** Ok??? Thanks for making me cry???   
> **Ryuji:** U kno it  
>  **Ryuji:** U ok?   
> **Ryuji:** Both of u  
>  **Ren:** NO!  
>  **Mishima:** I love you :( wtf  
>  **Ryuji:** :p  
>  **Ryuji:** U rly ok Renren?   
> **Ren:** Yeah. God I love you. I'm good. Overwhelmed but good.   
> **Ryuji:** Yuuki u good?  
>  **Mishima:** Yes  
>  **Ryuji:** Rly?  
>  **Mishima:** I think so  
>  **Ryuji:** Ren's gonna ask u to elaborate  
>  **Ren:** Elaborate?  
>  **Ryuji:** Gottem  
>  **Ren:** Hey.  
>  **Mishima:** Oh um just complicated feelings I think   
> **Mishima:** Idk yeah I'm ok  
>  **Ren:** :(  
>  **Mishima:** I know it should be totally obvious from what you literally just said but… you love us both? Ren's not just… coming in first   
> **Ryuji:** No no no  
>  **Ren:** Yuuki…  
>  **Ryuji:** I love u both more than anything ur both so important to me   
> **Ryuji:** Nobody's coming in 1st  
>  **Ryuji:** Or u both are idk  
>  **Ren:** It's not a competition.  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah that  
>  **Mishima:** Ok yeah I know… just my same old paranoia   
> **Ryuji:** I'll be here to keep beating ur paranoia off with a big stick  
>  **Ryuji:** Cuz I luv u   
> **Ryuji:** N I'll tell u that whenever u want  
>  **Mishima:** I love you  
>  **Ryuji:** ily2   
> **Ryuji:** Very much  
>  **Ren:** For what it's worth, I'd also like to butt in and say that I love our precious boyfriend Yuuki very much.   
> **Ryuji:** Fight u for him  
>  **Ren:** I will not fight you, first of all because it would be an embarrassment to you when you lost miserably, and second of all because I'd much rather share.  
>  **Ren:** Sharing is caring, Ryuji.  
>  **Ryuji:** Rollin my eyes  
>  **Ren:** That's fine.  
>  **Ren:** Wanna kiss about it?  
>  **Ryuji:** Yeah  
>  **Ren:** Pucker up, fool.   
> **Ren:** Ok, Yuuki? You're quiet.   
> **Mishima:** Yeah I'm fine  
>  **Mishima:** You're cute  
>  **Ren:** Thanks, I know :) But you should say something nice about Ryuji too, it's not nice to leave him out just because of my cuteness.  
>  **Ryuji:** I am cute u asshole  
>  **Ren:** Yeah you are.  
>  **Mishima:** Ryuji is a very cute sweet boy who I want to kiss   
> **Ryuji:** Come over here and do it coward  
>  **Mishima:** Give me an hour   
> **Ryuji:** Deal  
>  **Ren:** Enjoy your kissing, I have to go back to working now.   
> **Ren:** Are we all good?   
> **Ryuji:** I'm good  
>  **Mishima:** I'm good :)  
>  **Mishima:** Are you good Ren?  
>  **Ren:** I am fantastic.  
>  **Ren:** Love you both. Ttyl.  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to link this some time ago, but here are some [vaguely relevant fanarts](https://gavarts.tumblr.com/post/185047639534/i-wrote-and-am-posting-a-little-fic-called-mutual) I made for my own fic because I'm That Guy.


	13. Chapter 13

Things felt very close to perfect. 

Ren and Ryuji both worked a lot, with Ren often working odd hours at multiple jobs and coming in late at night or leaving just as late. He had days where things were hard, where he couldn’t stop remembering all the punches that had been thrown at him and the pain that lingered from them. But on every one of those days, from the two years since he had moved back to Tokyo, he also had people who loved him, who would protect him and tell him he was strong and brave and important.

Ryuji found something he loved. And it was never a replacement for his own athletic career that had been snatched out from under him, but sometimes it felt close. Seeing kids do what he had dreamed of doing and being the one who helped guide them to where they wanted to be was at least a close second. It was fulfilling in the way that track had been. And he would never let these kids fall prey to someone like he had. They would never have their autonomy ripped from them like that as long as he was around.

Mishima never truly moved into the apartment, opting instead to stay closer to his school, but he crashed there so often that he might as well have. 

On most weekends, Mishima made himself at home, setting up camp in the living room to work tirelessly on coding and writing and whatever other activities demanded his attention. Ryuji and Ren danced around him as quietly as the two could manage (which wasn’t very), and tried to give him space, but one of them would always inevitably end up caving and drawing him away from important things for a movie or a nap or going out together somewhere. They were both proud of him for how hard he worked, but they were also both aware that if no one pulled him away every now and then, he would never do anything _but_ work.

Ren frequently came home from his late night shifts to find him asleep on the couch with his laptop still open to his coursework in front of him, or asleep in bed with Ryuji, limbs tangled and both dead to the world. 

Other nights, he would come home to both of them squeezed into the tiny kitchen, laughing and playfully fighting while trying to get dinner ready before Ren’s arrival, and usually failing at that. They’d welcome him home before gently pushing him out of the room and out of their way. 

The three of them would sit down together and eat while they took turns intently listening to each other recap their recent experiences, giving loving support where it was needed and teasing jabs where it wasn’t. After so much time together, their relationships felt smooth and stable and, at least in Ren’s opinion, it always felt like coming home when he was with both of them. Anything life threw at him could be softened by their presence.

Overall, Ren didn't think there was a way that he could be happier. Most people were lucky to find one love like this in their life. 

He had lucked out and found two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all folks!
> 
> The boys are in love and happy, thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.
> 
> I am as always [uprightmoon on twitter](http://www.twitter.com/uprightmoon) and [mishimalovemail on tumblr](http://www.mishimalovemail.tumblr.com). Please come talk to me if you're so inclined.
> 
>  
> 
> THE EXTRA ZONE:  
> \- [ren gazes lovingly at mishima by FletuEtLutum](https://twitter.com/FletuEtLutum/status/1146531248627572737)!  
> \- [bisexual idiot sandwich by me](https://gavarts.tumblr.com/post/185047639534/i-wrote-and-am-posting-a-little-fic-called-mutual)  
> \- [just a casual kiss between bros by whambat](https://whambat.tumblr.com/post/186108800053/everyone-go-read-mutual-by-mishimalovemail)


	14. EXTRA: 8.5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> howdy folks, i just dug up this extra scene i forgot i wrote from the depths of my docs. it fits in chronologically during chapter 8, between ryuji and mishima coming closer and ryuji kissing mishima. it's just straight pining.
> 
> enjoy!

Ren was waking up from a half-conscious attempt at a nap when his phone buzzed and jolted him mostly back into the conscious side of things. He was grateful for some sort of stimulus. Unless he was at school, he didn't have much to focus on anymore and it led to a lot of seemingly unending boredom. 

His gratitude was short-lived however.

**Mishima:** Hey can we talk?

This was it. One or both of the only people keeping him tethered to some sort of stability had grown tired of the distance. They were sick of his moping, sick of comforting him late at night, sick of being in this complicated situation he was in the middle of. He was being broken up with. There was no way around it. 

He swallowed hard before continuing the conversation.

**Ren:** Yeah, what's up?  
 **Mishima:** Um… Kind of a lot  
 **Ren:** Yeah? :(

There was a long pause that left Ren with enough time for his thoughts to scatter in several directions. Mishima was lonely and couldn't take it anymore. Mishima felt used by him leading him on and then leaving like this. Mishima had moved on. His love for Ren had faded with the physical distance between them.

Ren's chest hurt.

**Mishima:** Sorry I'm just trying to figure out how to say all of this  
 **Mishima:** I'm kind of overwhelmed   
**Ren:** It's ok.   
**Mishima:** Basically I think I have a crush?  
 **Ren:** Oh?   
**Mishima:** Is that ok?  
 **Ren:** Yeah, of course that's okay! Tell me all about your dream boy. Or girl?  
 **Mishima:** Boy...

Ren actually laughed out loud in relief. Was that all this was? Just Mishima coming to him to gush about a boy? He felt stupid for being worried. 

But what if this was just a segue into a breakup? The nausea rolled over him again and he shut his eyes. When he opened them, he had several more messages.

**Mishima:** And well, he's someone you know  
 **Mishima:** One of your friends  
 **Mishima:** I uh  
 **Mishima:** I have a crush on Ryuji  
 **Ren:** OH MY GOD?

Ren buried his face in his pillow and laughed again, harder this time. Morgana made a noise of annoyance as he was woken from his nap at the foot of the bed. Ren kicked his feet a few times happily. 

**Mishima:** What???  
 **Mishima:** Ren is that good or bad :(  
 **Ren:** Extremely cute. Please go on.  
 **Mishima:** God ok   
**Mishima:** You know we've been hanging out a lot lately and I told you a while ago he asked me for a hug   
**Mishima:** Ever since then he hugs me every time we hang out and he'll put his arm around my shoulders while we're walking   
**Mishima:** I didn't think he was my type because I've always seen him as so loud and all over the place but  
 **Mishima:** He's so sweet?   
**Mishima:** Ren he made me dinner ;__;   
**Mishima:** He told me he'd cook me whatever I wanted and I thought he was joking   
**Mishima:** His mom wasn't even home, he just made dinner JUST FOR US?   
**Mishima:** But uh god I really like him and every time we hang out in his room I just want to put my head on his chest   
**Ren:** He likes you.  
 **Mishima:** WHAT??  
 **Mishima:** DID HE TELL YOU THAT  
 **Ren:** No, but I know all of his moves and those are the same ones he used on me.   
**Ren:** He starts getting physically touchy with people he likes. Arm around the shoulders or waist, hugging a lot, finding excuses to put his hands in your hair or fix your clothes. He's clingy.  
 **Mishima:** Oh my god   
**Mishima:** He's always touching my suspenders and trying to fix my hair  
 **Ren:** He's super into you.  
 **Mishima:** No!  
 **Ren:** I can almost guarantee it.  
 **Mishima:** What if he's just lonely? :(  
 **Ren:** Nah, he totally likes you. And he has really low impulse control so he'll probably get sick of it and make a move on you soon. :p  
 **Mishima:** I don't knoowwww :(  
 **Mishima:** What if he just misses you and wants someone to be close to? Cuz I get that, but… Idk   
**Ren:** He's not like that. He cares way too much about other people to want to use someone like that. He probably sighs deeply as he thinks about you when he falls asleep at night and daydreams about holding your hand in class.  
 **Mishima:** Oh my god stop  
 **Ren:** Want me to pry?  
 **Mishima:** NO!!!  
 **Mishima:** Please don't tell him I told you :(  
 **Ren:** Alright, but I think you should tell him.   
**Mishima:** Idk maybe but I just kind of like having a friend for once…  
 **Mishima:** I don't wanna ruin it   
**Ren:** Aw, babe… Even if he doesn't like you back (which I HIGHLY DOUBT) it's not going to ruin anything. Ryuji is super sweet. If anything it'll go to his head that boys think he's cute and it'll inflate his ego a little.   
**Mishima:** :(  
 **Mishima:** We're hanging out tomorrow after school… I'll try to psych myself up   
**Ren:** You can do it! I believe in you!   
**Mishima:** Stoppp   
**Mishima:** Thanks though. I love you so much   
**Ren:** :D

* * *

Ren waited with bated breath the next day for Mishima to update him on his efforts in wooing Ryuji. He got the usual casual texts throughout the day, a message that they were going to go hang out at Ryuji's, and then nothing. For hours. 

He didn't expect either of them to give him a play-by-play of their time spent together, but he was lonely and nosey and wanted to know if his boyfriends were going to become each other's boyfriends.

He scrambled for his phone when it finally buzzed. 

**Mishima:** REN!!!!!!  
 **Ren:** Yuuki!  
 **Mishima:** Oh my god I'm freaking out  
 **Ren:** What? Did you do it?  
 **Mishima:** NO I'm such a wuss   
**Mishima:** But he HELD MY HAND  
 **Ren:** Aww, Ryuji's got it bad.  
 **Mishima:** We were walking to the station after school and he just reached over and grabbed my hand while he was talking like it was no big deal and we held hands all the way there  
 **Mishima:** I'm gonna dieeee  
 **Ren:** Nope, no dying.   
**Ren:** Do you seriously still not believe he likes you?   
**Mishima:** I dunno :(   
**Ren:** Oh my god, he does. He super likes you. How did he act the rest of the time?  
 **Mishima:** Normal, I guess? We studied for a while and played a game together and he didn't say anything about it   
**Ren:** You got him to STUDY. He's so trying to win you over.   
**Mishima:** I mean it didn't last long  
 **Mishima:** Uh I did notice he kept kind of staring at me and then looking away but it's probably just my imagination   
**Ren:** Yuuki I love you so much but you are being so oblivious right now. PLEASE tell him you like him before you both combust. You're killing me.  
 **Mishima:** I'll try :(   
**Ren:** This is so cute. You're both so cute. He hasn't said anything to me about it but I just KNOW he's on the same page as you. He's so soft about people he likes, he's probably just too nervous to say anything so he keeps touching you and hoping you'll do it for him.  
 **Mishima:** I can't imagine him being shy  
 **Ren:** He can be. He gets embarrassed easily about some stuff.   
**Mishima:** Ok I'm gonna do it   
**Ren:** Do it!  
 **Mishima:** Uh, soon   
**Mishima:** The timing needs to be right   
**Ren:** Such a romantic.

* * *

Ren quickly became a menace. Hearing the two would be hanging out prompted any number of stupid, half-joking responses from him. Anything to get one of them to just make a move already. 

_Hold his hand for me._

_Give him a hug for me._

_Tell him I love you for me._

_Give him a kiss for me._

Evidently, that was all it took.


End file.
